[thunderbear]

I don't know why my husband does'nt listen when I try to talk to him. If I have a panic attack he gets mad. When I get scared he's very flipant about it and says things like "what's new". I don't have any emotional support around here when it comes to my mental illness. I am so tired of feeling like I'm in his way all the time. I am in everyone's way. All the time. I can't go shopping or out to eat because I am scared to be out like that especailly with the swine flu going around like it has. I'm just here.

[Junerain]

Could you show him this post, to show that you took the trouble to write it out and everything, that it means that much to you? Could both of you go for marriage counseling?

[gimmeice]

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Have you tried talking to him about this when he isn't upset? Sometimes when people are upset they don't listen very well. Another thing, have you considered couple's therapy?

[salukigirl]

To me it almost sounds like narcissism. When people are narcissistic they don't have empathy for others. If he is in a good mood and you aren't he doesn't empathize with you. Or, on the other hand, if he is upset, he views everything you say as being upset even if you aren't. Like if he is in a bad mood or really upset and you are excited about something he might only focus on the bad.

Its really hard to deal with people like that because they tend to never take responsibility for themselves. Its hard to distinguish what is your fault and what isn't when someone acts like that all the time. I have dealt with it before and I always ended up apologizing and questioning whether I had a real reason to be upset, and I did, but he convinced me otherwise so I was always in the wrong.

How old is he? I only ask because once someone gets to a certain age I imagine theyre pretty set in their ways by that time. I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go because it sounds like he would say "fine, go" even if he didn't want it, just to prove himself. I think that you should write down everything you're feeling and give it to him in a letter when you're not around. If he is by himself he wont have time to turn it around on you and he wont have any tones to interpret wrong. If he is upset he is going to hear what he wants to hear, but if he is simply reading a letter, it might be easier to get the words instead of the tone.

I'm not sure I would bring up counseling just yet. If it suits you, I would see a therapist by yourself first and then, after talking it through with your counselor, invite your husband to come along. That way it wont make him feel like the reason you're going is only because of him. He will feel like he is participating instead of being put on the chopping block. And he might want to go anyways. I dated a guy that hated not knowing what I was talking to a stranger about for an hour every week and begged me to come along.

Either way, I think you need to evaluate what you're willing to go through to sacrifice your mental health. The main thing to focus on is yourself.

[quote=salukigirl;1200077]

How old is he? I only ask because once someone gets to a certain age I imagine theyre pretty set in their ways by that time.

what age is the certain point that person won't change???

just curios

[thunderbear]

Well, I have always wanted to try mrriage counseling but he don't want anyone even a doctor knowing his business so intimately like that. He may be narssisitic. Actually that makes alot of sense. When he's having a flare up or something related to his Crohn's I help him as best as I can because I know he hurts. But when I have a bad moment in the day he gets aggravated with me. He thinks (I think he thinks) that if I have panic attacks all the time, then I should be "used" to them and deal with it without freaking out. He says things like "I have Crohn's I have a real problem. Your's is imaginary deal with it" Things like that. It pisses me off and makes me feel so alone here. And unsafe. Not because he hits me or anyhthing but because I am scared all the time because of past truamas so I worry and fear alot and to know that no one will calm my fears or be there for me makes me feel unsafe. Oh Timeisback he's 31. Is that old enough to be set in your ways?

[billieJ]

Oh, brother! So Crohns is a real problem and panic attacks are not? I see. I'll bet he DOES avoid therapy. If I were that insensitive, I would not want it discovered either. Providing that he doesn't physically abuse you as well, I would show him this whole page. I was a social worker for more years than I have been a patient, and I know an emotionally neglectful, even abusive, man when I read about one. Blessings and Luck to you as you try to live in such stressful situation. billieJ
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[salukigirl]

I wasn't saying that there is any specific age. But take my dad for example: he is 58 and even though he has probably a dozen drinking-related illnesses he refuses to quit drinking and says its because he is too old now so he might as well not quit. My T told me, when I was with my ex who was only 22 at the time, that HE was even over the age of "changing". He told me that once a person comes to a set of ideals and lives with those for long enough, they just aren't as open minded to changing them and, in turn, changing themselves. Personally, I know Ill still be changing at 31 but that's not to say its the same for someone else. Some people just get really comfortable with their status or position and its pretty scary to totally change yourself because that means admitting there is something you NEED to change about yourself. For him to ever accept that he needs to think that there is something wrong with his behavior and clearly he doesn't.

Whether its out of a lack of respect for you or himself, he clearly doesn't view this as something needing his attention - that's why I brought up narcissism. The only way I can get my boyfriend to listen is when I say "take this for example...if you were to do this and I reacted this way...how would that make you feel?" and then he sits down and thinks and realizes "okay, I wouldn't want her to act that way so I don't want to act that way."

So maybe go to him and say (or in a letter) that if he were to have a flare up of Crohn's and you said "you should be used to this by now, suck it up" how would that make him feel? How would it make him feel if you said these things to him? And maybe actually say them once in a while. My boyfriend learned a lot from me doing that. If he would fly off the handle I would just act cold and insensitive and he would say "why are you doing this?" and my response was "so you can say those exact words to me when I'm upset but it's not okay for me to act the same way" Then it kind of sank in how he was behaving. I hate playing mind games with people but for some people thats the only thing that gets through to him. Sounds like you are going to have to try a few things before you find the thing that fits for your relationship.

[thunderbear]

I kinda let him have it today on the way back from the doctor. I think he got the point. Mabye he did. If he did'nt he will when he feels sick. But yeah billie he thinks panic attacks and anxiety are brought on because of something your doing and if you change the way you think, ten you would'nt have panic attacks and be scared.

[jerrymichele]

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I have been threw these things with Jerry before with my panic attacks. Maybe you could ask hubby to go to a Dr.'s appointment with you. Maybe the Dr. can talk to him about your anxiety. Jerry use to get mad at me when we would be driving somewhere, and I would make him turn the car around to take me home. Let us know how your doing?

[Pomegranate]

Yup, I'd give him a good strong dose of his own medicine. Treat him the way he treats you. That may open his eyes a bit. Also I would start making it in his best interest to go to marriage counseling. How do you have a relationship with somone who isn't even trying to understand and support you? That's very bad for your mental health. Mental health issues are just as important and valid as physical health issues.