Problems mainaining relationships

Ok, I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I am 27 years old and have two children. I was emotionally abused by my grandfather all of my life and my father was only around when it was convenient for him, so I have issues when it comes to men talking down to me or abandoning me. I was with my kids father and I did everything humanly possible to destroy the relationship. I lied, I cheated, I was mentally and physically abusive to him. When I feel like he is starting to get too close to me emotionally I do something that hurts him to put a distance between us. The other 3 relationships I've ever had didn't not last past 3 months each because when they got close I shut down which caused them to end it. Even with friendships I distance myself. It's like if someone gets close to me they can hurt me so I have to hurt them before I get hurt. I don't want to be like this anymore because it gets me nowhere but stuck in a cycle of misery. My kids father and I decided to give things another try and I am trying so hard not to fall back into the same pattern but it is hard and I don't know how to overcome it or if I am able to. I love him so much more than I have ever let on to anyone but I've hurt him so much that I don't know if he can ever trust me again. I don't know if we should just cut our loses and move on rather than do each other anymore damage. I just need some outside perspective on the situation. Any advice is welcome.

I would go to therapy.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. Does the father know that you are having your own personal problems, know about your past? If not, just try to explain why you did what you did (just like you said it here). I am sure he will be forgiving, as he has agreed to try the relationship again. But weather or not you tell him, I would suggest therapy.

I was in therapy for 10 years and it did not help, I have been medicated since I was 15 years old and have been on over 25 different kinds of anti-depressants, mood stablizers, and bipolar medications. Yes, he and I have been together on and off for 12 years now, since I was 15 and he knows about my past in great detail. He understands the kinds of things I went through he and has even witnessed it first hand. I want to change and I have been trying very hard. I'm surrounded by my past everyday, I help care for my grandfather, the one who emotionally abused me my whole childhood, because he is in the late stages of Alzheimers. I'm always in constant contact with my father because of my younger half siblings. I can't get away from the past because I am surrounded by it. Growing up there was always fighting everyday, never any stability. My grandfather targeted me and my cousin as his source of emotional abuse. I'm actually not really bitter over it now but it really messed me up emotionally. My kids father has been mentally and emotionally abusive to me in the past but it was only after I started lying and cheating. Which I do not blame him, I take responsibility for that. I've been to several therapists, psychologist, and psychiatrist but none of it has ever helped me. I just don't want to mess things up again.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what advice I can really offer right now, as I've never really been in that situation. My Grandmother has late stages of Alzheimers too, so I can deff. see how that is stressful for you, but other than that..Not sure what help I can be. Don't blame yourself though for previous mistakes you may have made. All you can do is take it one day at a time. If you feel yourself losing control, getting ready to 'lash out' (for a lack of better terms) on the father, take a step back and come here and vent. It might help.