[scotlandskye]

I debated about posting this or not, but I figure what do I have to lose and I'm really curious to see what others think about this topic.

Is is possible for two people who are friends and have a history of flirting pretty heavily (and it isn't that he flirts with anyone else like this ) to have sex and things to remain the same and to go back to as they are? It isn't as though either person wants a relationship with the other...it's a sexual thing basically. Both are curious what it would be like...

I say yes....I don't know if I normally would, but there is more to this then I can get into right now. I don't know if it is an embrassament issue for me that I can't get into it or what.

Open to any thoughts and or opinions on this....I know I'm vague at the moment but have to be....

[sabby]

I have never heard of any relationships such as "friends with bennies" working out to where they can go back to the friendship as it was before the bennies. It's just impossible to do I think. I suppose I could be wrong.

It always seemed that one of the friends ended up having more feelings for the other than was planned on or wanted. That puts the friendship in a whole new light. It would have to take some pretty remarkable people to keep it even close to what it was before an encounter like this.

As an example, I'll use myself for a moment. I have an old high school friend.....he was my first true love. We were exclusive for almost 2 years through high school. We lost track of each other for many years and then found each other on the net. We began communicating through messenger and email. It was great getting to know him again and to see pics of his family etc.

Now that we are both divorced, he wants to "get together" for old times sake. We have quite a history and I know he wants to compare then to now (you know, being older and having more experience type thing). I've actually considered the idea of "friends with bennies" with him. I thought, well, I'm pretty safe with him, he's a great guy, very caring, compassionate and silly too. I actually got to see him a short time ago and we considered.....but I just couldn't go through with it. I knew it would put our relationship, our friendship on a different plane.....I didn't want to loose where we are for where it might take us.....it could be disasterous.

Since you can't give us much background info at this time, it's hard to say if this could work for you or not. You are not me.....so who knows. I'm just going by my own experience and that which I have seen with other family members and friends who have gone though this as well.

I wish you well no matter what you decide!


sabby

[thunderbear]

Hey scotlandskye. I dont think it would be a good idea. It could ruin an already good thing. I had a best friend that I had known for years and years. I was good friends with both him and his wife. We kinda lost contact for a year and when I came back to our town, I found out that him and his wife were divorced. We stayed really good friends then we decided to take it to the intimate level after months of flirting and flirting. I could'nt care about him in the way he wanted. He loved me but I only loved him as a friend. After he I told him that, it hurt him so much. I felt so bad for making him feel that way. By getting intimate with my dear friend cost me a genuine friend. I will always regret that. I loved him. Not only did I lose his friendship I had also lost his ex wife's.

[jerrymichele]

IMO I think that I would need to think about how close the two of you are. If your really close I would do what Sabby has done.

[AAAAA]

My opinion mirrors Sabby’s. I’ve never heard of this working out, one person ALWAYS develops feelings they never intended to while the other carries on with the business as usual attitude, unintentionally hurting a dear friend.

There are so many things that can go wrong in a situation like this, why chance it? There are SO many people out there that you could have a sexual relationship with, why risk losing a friendship?

It’s all about pros and cons in my opinion and only you and she know whether it’s worth it.

[scotlandskye]

Thanks everyone! To provide more information to the situation and don't know if it will make a difference or not. This guy and I are friends but we aren't like best friends, and or friends that hang out so to speak. We know each other from work. He works a different department then I do. He is part time so we only see each other a maybe 2 or 3 times a week at work. Not like we talk outside of work. We text back and fourth but it is all flirting. So I don't know if that makes a difference. I am physcially attracted to him, but not in the way where I want to date him. Oddly enough that isn't what I want. I'm not one to just have sex with anyone because of my past.....for some reason I am sexually attracted to him. I don't think if would affect what we have, but I also could be wrong.

I don't know?????

[Lost71]

I have 2 friends like this and having sex never hurt our friendship any. But maybe that's just us...or maybe we're just sex mad

[scotlandskye]

Phew good to know there is someone out there that it hasn't affected the friendship. I can't see where it can hurt since we are like best friends, talk and or hang out all the time. There is only one other person that I have been sexually attracted to and it was a good friend. We did act on it, and it was tough at first because it brough back all the feelings that use to be there. But he and I are still friends. He is married.

This guy....I don't know what it is about him?? Can't stop thinking about him and or being with him like that. He seems to think that because I have never "been with someone like him" that I won't be able to walk away. If I really though there was a chance that I couldn't walk away I wouldn't even think about it. Wouldn't do anything for my depression and I don't want to go back down that road. I just want the fun and is there anything wrong with that??

I have been sexually abused and raped and for the longes time I was lucky that I even wanted to do anything and when in a relationship I'm still very hesistant and shy and won't do anything right away, but this is different. Normally I would feel cheap and like I'm I don't know.....

Sorry got off topic.....

I have a friend who has what she calls 'f' buddies and has been using them like this for years, there are several she uses and has only ever had a problem once when she chose an ex boyfriend and he couldnt get the hang of how it worked for her.

So it can work out as she proves but I dont think its for just anyone as lots of people (me being one of them) would get jealous.

[marjan]

Honesty, I don't think there is such a thing as being friend and have sex!!!!!
It won't work, sorry....you can't have sex and then stay friend...sex brings so much closeness, how can you ignore all that connection and if you have friendship connection too, then there is so much bound....
why not dating each other?

Originally Posted by marjan

Honesty, I don't think there is such a thing as being friend and have sex!!!!!
It won't work, sorry....you can't have sex and then stay friend...sex brings so much closeness, how can you ignore all that connection and if you have friendship connection too, then there is so much bound....
why not dating each other?

As I stated I know it can work as my friend does it with friends she has had for years .....

[lynn P.]

I think it depends from person to person. If you both go into it as we're going to have sex but this doesn't indicate we're a couple and we'll still be friends - then it would be okay like Tishie said.
The only problem I see happening is - this is a guy from work and guys talk and I wouldn't want you to be where the other guys think "well maybe she'll have casual sex with me too. That's the main problem. Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend? - I wouldn't want this to hurt another woman.

[jerrymichele]

Honestly from what I'm reading in your posts I really don't think that you should do it. You seem so undecided about it, so if I was you I just wouldn't do it. Then ask yourself this. Let's just say that you did do it, and all of a sudden he finds someone else that he wants to mess around with, how do you think you would handle it? Do you think that you would feel used for his own needs. Also it sounds like that he is only talking to you about sex. He might not even think of you as a friend. It sounds like he's just working on you just to get you in the bed. Sorry I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I just think that you should look at it from both ways. I would tell him that you just want to stay friends for right now.

[KathyM]

I think it would definitely alter your relationship. What if it turns out to be a horrible experience - and he wants more? Wouldn't it make the work environment a little uncomfortable? Even worse, what if it turns out to be the best you've ever had? What if some flying little fat kid with an arrow shoots you and you fall in love with this guy? What does he know about you? He'd know you like to sleep with men who flirt with you.

I met my husband at work. I was attracted to him and flirted almost shamelessly, but I couldn't seem to get his attention. It wasn't until after months of trying that we finally started seeing each other. The reason he ignored my flirtation was because he had a girlfriend in another state he saw on the weekends. He waited until things were over with her before he paid any attention to me. This impressed me because I knew I could trust him. Most men would have taken advantage of a little "something on the side" during the week - I wouldn't have known - he didn't. Now that we're married, I don't have to worry about women who flirt with my husband at work.

He was impressed with me too. I was very physically attracted to him, but we dated a long time before we became intimate (he jokes he was about to give up on me, lol). He was impressed because it told him I don't sleep around and take a sexual relationship very seriously. I'm not a prude, I just wanted to get to know him and give myself the chance to fall in love with him before giving him my heart. It was worth the wait for me. IMO, there's nothing better than having sex with someone you love with all your heart and soul. We've been together 20 years, and I still have a crush on him.

However, I DO remember lust and "one-night-stands" have been going on since....forever. Good luck, be careful, and have fun.

[Shangrala]

Absolutely, yes.
However, it solely depends on the mutual agreement between partners, and the necessity of maturity of those involved.

If it is of the same goal of those involved with a shared understanding that this is what they want...I see it very possible. Open relationships are often practiced among people with such free-thinking attitudes, which is not only perfectly fine, but successful, as well. (There was a time that it was a practice of mine, as well....although have long since "tamed" over the years). I know it is very possible.

However, in your case and from what you have provided, I would not think this would be remotely likely.
You have far too many mixed emotions involved. Uncertainty is one thing that has no place in involvements such as this, as these encounters are purely based on the physical gratification.....and emotions (regardless of what level), only create problems.

It definately has to be a based on mutual concent with open communications. No room for indecisiveness or hidden alterior motives....otherwise it will prove disasterous.
I would definately refrain from venturing into any kind of open relationship with this person as there is obviously more there which you are attending to.

Hope this helps some.

Shangrala

[Umm_kelly]

If he isn't the kind of guy you want to date, it probably isn't a good idea to have sex with him. If sex turns into deeper feelings on your part it would suck to have fallen for a guy who isn't good for you.

[scotlandskye]

Tishie......Thanks....I have friends that have what they call "f" buddies also. I don't know if this guy would turn into one of those or not or if it would be a one time thing. I'm ok with either.

marjan....Thanks....yeah dating would be ok, I don't have an interest to date him. I'm not interested like that. It is more sexual then anything else. Not use to this feeling either or an attraction quite like this.

lynn P......thanks......We both would be going into it knowing excatly what is is and what it meant!!! There would be no strings and or no committment on either end....no he doesn't have a girlfriend...I did my homework lol.....brought up a good point about it being someone from work and guys talking....would like to think the he wouldn't be that is something I didn't think about...thanks

jerrymichele.....Actually oddly enough it isn't me with the issues on this. I only brought it up here because I was curious what others thought. He is the one that thinks that I will have the issues and won't be able to walk away. If I could get him over here right now...well I wouldn't be typing this. I know this is what I want and I know that I will be ok with it. He is the one that thinks not necessairly that he is great in bed, but that he knows what he is doing and has the personality and all that that goes along with it. He has never had anyone who could just walk away. Well there is a first time for everything. No worries you didn't hurt my feelings. No it isn't all sex talk. We have known each other basically for two years. We of course talk cause of work and all. We started a little flirting here and there, but in a non sexual way. It escalated. I make more the sexual comments then he does. if he were to find someone else and mess around with them...one I probably wouldn't know and if I did I would be ok with it. I know I say that now, but I am 98% sure I wouldn't care because I'm not into him like that...Does that make sense??? Again oddly enough it is me that wants this. I wouldn't say I want it more...was my idea I guess is what I'm trying to say.....

kathyM....Thanks.....Yeah I tried to tell him what if he ended up wanting more...Was told that wouldn't happen. I told him that if he ws SO sure that it wouldn't happen to him, why was he SO worried that it would happen to me? Possible that the little fat kid with the arrow could hit me but don't see it happening. Aww that is a great story about you and your husband and I think that is great I really do. I'm not one to sleep around...Yeah I know then why did I start this post right??? I'm sure that is going through minds here. In my 37 years I have only had 2 one night stands and can count still in single digits how many people I have been with sexually. It is a big deal to me and it hard for me to open up like that. That is why this feels so different and strange to me. I would never normally think of doing anything like this. It is so off the wall for me. New found confidenence? I don't know...I know that I will respect whatever he decides. THanks


Shangrala...THanks!! Maybe when I started this post I was a little hestitant about what I said in fear of what others would think even though no one here knows me personally but still. I am the one all for this. It was my idea. He is for it, but the one worrying about how I will feel after. I know that I can walk away. I know that he and I can continue as we were. I have no doubt in my mind but he is the one hung up on it. I have told him and not every woman is the same. We don't all react the same way to things. He may be use to women wanting more, but I don't see it happening for me. I'm the one who has laid it all out there what I wanted, my intentions which are purely sexual....he has the hang ups.

Thanks everyone

[lynn P.]

Thank you for the reply Scotlandskye - I think it might be tricky if word spreads and other guys start talking - but that's up to you.

This got me thinking - that guys have casual sex all the time but as women, we're afraid of getting a bad reputation(slut/hate that word) or worried about getting emotionally attached. I think if a women feels like having sex with no strings then she should go ahead, as long as she's being safe. This was an interesting thread and it's a good sign that you're in control of who you want to be with. Good luck.

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Thank you for the reply Scotlandskye - I think it might be tricky if word spreads and other guys start talking - but that's up to you.

This got me thinking - that guys have casual sex all the time but as women, we're afraid of getting a bad reputation(slut/hate that word) or worried about getting emotionally attached. I think if a women feels like having sex with no strings then she should go ahead, as long as she's being safe. This was an interesting thread and it's a good sign that you're in control of who you want to be with. Good luck.

Lynn you are welcome! Thanks for replying....You do have a point there...something to think about

Yes this is an interesting thread and kind of glad that I did post it and is interesting to see what others have to say and what they think about it. I was thinking along the same lines as you! That guys have casual sex all the time and it is ok but women if we do it it isn't ok and it is frowned upon more. We tend to think of ourselves as sluts/*****s (hate those worse also) I know that we are more emotional then men and tend to fall easily and want the feelings, the romance the whatever....But what if you just want the sex, the passion, the whatever it is you crave? Because we are women does that me we should think about it more and worry that it makes up bad? I can't stop thinking about it for some reason. I'm usually the shy quiet one. But you know I like this boldness, this assertiveness, and for once NOT being afraid to say what I want and NOt feel bad about it. I can't even begin to explain the feeling. Now if I can get him to believe that I can walk way and that I would be the FIRST woman to walk away from him Told him if he was so sure that I would, then let me prove him wrong. Maybe he is afriad that I will walk away???

[Shangrala]

scot~

MY bad! Obviously misunderstood....lol...(that's what I get for trying to be responsive here as I'm trying to pack for my move...lmao).

Bravo for your assertiveness, awareness and understanding of what you know you want for yourself. I have faith that with such self-structure all will go just fine for you....so long as your partner is equally willing.

I honestly believe there is nothing wrong with desiring casual sexual encounters. It is our human nature to have these physical desires, yet we fight them due to our cultural hangups & social expectations. Blegh...lol.
So long as we use caution, are mutually concenting there is no reason why both genders cannot persue this pleasure equally without any repercussions.
Granted, there are many who require the emotional bonding...equally fine. To each their own....yet, still, the "free-minded" seem to still have that stereotype label applied to them, regardless. Unfair, but reality.

Btw...There are many men-*****s out there, as well as female horn-dogs....roflmao. All depends on who's casting the judgements, I suposse.
Personally....it's all good.....so long as whoever is exploring their's seriously practices safely with high regard to respecting the realities of what carelessness CAN create.

Happy trails to you. I wish you the best.

Shangrala

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Honestly from what I'm reading in your posts I really don't think that you should do it. You seem so undecided about it, so if I was you I just wouldn't do it. Then ask yourself this. Let's just say that you did do it, and all of a sudden he finds someone else that he wants to mess around with, how do you think you would handle it? Do you think that you would feel used for his own needs. Also it sounds like that he is only talking to you about sex. He might not even think of you as a friend. It sounds like he's just working on you just to get you in the bed. Sorry I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I just think that you should look at it from both ways. I would tell him that you just want to stay friends for right now.

I totally agree. I had a "friend" like that. We both agreed it was just for monogamus sex. We were'nt really the best of friends we were just aquaintances. But we had grown up together and I knew he was safe and he knew I was safe. We seen eachother for a little over a year. Then he found a girl he really liked and, thinking it would'nt bother me, quit talking to me. I was saddened. Because even though the relationship was a purley physical one no strings attached, I had grown close to him and since he and I both agreed to a sexual-only relationship, he was'nt obligated to hang out with me anymore or just talk on the phone. His girlfriend wuld get jealous and etc etc. It's just a bad idea. Sex is complicated. It brings alot of emotions and feelings. You can say now, well we don't have a close friendship, or I know so and so who does it. But sex will bring about feelings whether they are romantic or just careing, they are strong emotions. And the friend who has "buddies" and says she does'nt care, deep down you don't know what she is thinking or feeling. Or it could go the other way: He could start to get deep feelings for you and you don't want relationship. So then he gets hurt. Sorry so long, it's just I have been on both ends of the friends with benefits and it will always end up hurting someone.

[jerrymichele]

Sorry I guess that I read your post wrong. IMO I think that times have changed somewhat, and the sterotype with women being called a slut has changed. Personally I see nothing wrong with casual sex. I have been like this before after my husband and I split up. Even though my ex and I didn't click we did still had sex. And just let me say that I about went nuts not getting it after the split. LMAO it's so true. I even had a buddy. lmao I had no desire to be emotionally involved because I was still dealing with the pain from my breakup. No disrespect to any man reading this, but I was doing to men what they do to woman. Not that I'm implying that all men do this, but I have seen a lot of it. I didn't just sleep with anyone though. I do remember one time this guy gave me a ride home from the bar. He thought he was going to get some, which in my mind he wasn't. He had been buying me drinks all night. Well anyways right when he dropped me off there was another guy waiting at my door for me. Talking about someone being pissed that guy was really pissed. During that time I always had one coming and one going. I could tell you more stories, but that might end up being a book. I will say that even though I was hurting I was having fun at the same time.

[Xelora]

I think it really depends on the people. Maybe some can, I don't think it's for me at this point anyway. It's too confusing of an attachment thing.

[scotlandskye]

Thanks everyone! Appericate everyone responding and interesting to see what everyone thinks!

[kris9999]

I don't think it's a good idea, HOWEVER... I have known of some adult friendships that have tried the sex thing and they still remained great friends. But this is with adults who are much more mature than people in their teens or 20s. People that young aren't ready for a relationship like that and eventually their emotions will get in the way of a friendship.

I do not agree with sex at all outside of a relationship and I know if I wasn't married, even if I did think it was wrong, that I would not have the maturity to be able to handle that. Sex is a very intimate thing and can cause a lot of problems if you aren't ready to face them. If you really want to keep this friendship than I recommend not doing this. I am not saying that you are not mature, but from this post it is obvious that you are unsure and being unsure can cause problems as well.

Take care and I hope everything works out for you