[Toller]

Hi,

I've been dating my girlfriend for 5-6 months now and she is very sarcastic and on the whole hypocritical. Either she is too dumb to notice it or is really mean and selfish. She hurts me a lot with things she says and does and only seems to ever think of herself. I am very quiet and shy, she knew this when we first started dating and it didn't really seem to bother her then, but she has been at me to communicate with her and I am unhappy with the way things are so I try to talk to her but then she doesn't even listen to anything I say. I told her why I was unhappy and giving examples and then she just turned everything around that I said. She told me that she thinks about what she says before she says it. If that is true then she is really mean. She knows that I have been sexually abused when I was younger, then she told me that I've got to stop living in the past. At the time she said that comment to me I didn't really think about it because I was already upset about other things she said and only later it sank into me. I would never say that to anyone, if she had any clue as to how I am feeling then she should never had said that along with the other things. She made me even more upset than I already was and I left crying. I had to walk away from her. I don't like her tone or attitude. I wish she would actually think before she speaks and stop being so sarcastic, almost everything she says is with sarcasm. Talking is very difficult for me and especially so when the person in question, who on one hand badgers me to talk and then, doesn't even listen to me when I try. I feel I can't win in any situation with her. She complained that we haven't had sex for 2 months. I stopped having sex with her because everytime we did, she would complain about something she didn't like so it became restrictive and I was only left with 2 options during sex and then the last time we did have sex, she told me we only had sex when I wanted it and not when she wanted it. So, what do I do? I stop, I don't ask her for sex or make any moves. 2 months go by while I wait for her to ask me for sex or at the very least let me know and she does nothing. Then she complains we don't have sex. ???? She makes things very difficult for me. I told her why I haven't had sex with her and I've been waiting on her then she comes out with that she was brought up not to be like that??? She's not to ask for sex??? Then she goes on to say she doesn't want to do anything because she knows I had been abused. That makes the comment about me not living in the past hypocritical. I've not to live in the past but it's alright for her to use my past as an excuse for not asking me for sex. Other than it just being a really stupid thing to say in general as well. Did she think about that one before she said it?? How do you get through to someone that has their own blinkered view of the world and denies or turns everything around that you say?

[FeelingHopeful]

Hi Toller. Sorry to hear your going through such a tough time. Sounds like you could use a friend. I had a question, when you say she didnt like some stuff during sex, and it became restricted thats odd to me. If she knows you were sexually abused when you were younger which im so sorry to hear about(HUGS!!) That doesnt sound good if she has a sexual prob with you. Victums of sexual abuse have difficulty with intimacy because of what they have gone through. Is She reading up on stuff? Infi to help you and her and understanding. Maybe she has not educated herself on this. What concetrns me more is the sarcasm though.Is that recent or was she always that way?

Hello, Toller. You have told us about what you dislike about your friend. What do you like about her? There must be something good about her that keeps you in a relationship that is the source of so much distress.

Ann Landers was famous for asking a person in a difficult relationship: "Are you better off with or without this person?"

Are you better off?

[Toller]

Hi,

Well the sarcasm thing I think is inherent with her. It's always been there but it seems to have got worse. I noticed that her mother is exactly the same it seems to come out as an automatic response. Though her father and sister are not like that at all, they are great in fact. I think she picks up a lot from her mother. To be truthful I am not good with relationships at all. This is the only best one so far. But she really confuses me with things she says and does, I think it's maybe because she is so hypocritical and sarcastic. She will say one thing and do another and complains about most things. She wasn't as bad when we first dated. It only seems to get worse now. I tried talking to her in the hope it will make her think about things and not just come out and say hurtfull stuff. But I don't think she can learn.

I don't know if I am better off with or without her, but I don't think I can live with her tone and attitude. I know I can't be doing with that. It doesn't help either that I am going through a rough time and feeling pressured. There are times particularly when I feel pressured that I need to be on my own, I can't be around anyone, I need to get away. I told her this and she doesn't understand it at all and made things worse by doing the exact thing that makes me this way by badgering me and putting pressure on me to explain it. I don't need to tell her or need her to understand it. I just need her to accept it. In a way I feel trapped and I need an exit, a way out. The more she gets on at me the more she pushes me away.

[jerrymichele]

You might want to take a break from the relationship for a little bit. Or just break it off.

[SilverNeurotic]

You said you have trouble talking to her. Have you tried communicating by writing letters to her, it might be more effective and at the very least, she won't be able to interrupt you. I would try that and see if anything changes. If it doesn't change, then as jerrymichele suggested, it might be helpful to take a break from one another and see what happens.