[CedarS]

Deep breath. I'm working on not taking things personally, on not over-reacting automatically. Deep breath.

I feel all embarrassed and bad, as if I've done very wrong things. Blech. I know this happens to me sometimes and I know what from my past is triggered. Blech. This too shall pass. I'm not bad, I'm not evil, I'm human, I'm okay.

My best friend who also is my neighbor upstairs, has been going through a rough time. Hadn't heard from her for a few weeks so went ahead and sent a friendly light hearted email. Her response just arrived, she sounds angry, unfriendly, and like our friendship may not continue.

Now, I know email communication can suck, and it's easy at times to read things into email words that are not there. And I know of my tendency to think I am somehow to blame for things and why I have that tendency.

The email does say she is unhealthy, her words, and that she is working closely with her case manager, good to hear. She pretty much lets me know that she doesn't want contact from me, to wait until she maybe contacts me later.

I need to remember that just because someone is not feeling well, I am not automatically somehow responsible and bad. Thinking over past conversations with her, thinking that I surely must have done something wrong, doesn't help me at all. It's best to distract myself, live and move on, wish her well, keep things simple.

Ouch. I feel somehow scolded and slapped. I feel stupid. It's just me being triggered. My friend gets to be angry if she is, she gets to have her experience, and I get to have mine.

It feels weird to possibly have a friendship just plain end like that, though of course that sometimes does happen. And it doesn't automatically mean that something is horribly wrong with me.

Sarah

[misty]

((((((((((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[CedarS]

(((skylrks)))

Thank you for hearing me and for the hugs! I'm doing some good things for myself, including eating these amazing fresh raspberries.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi -- It's great that you have this reasonable perspective. It doesn't make the feelings go away, but it does provide a way to distance yourself from them and put them into a less self-judgmental context. Good for you!

[misty]

Glad you are doing good stuff for you.
yummmm!!!!!!! fresh rasberries how refreshing. My red rasberry bushes died I know if I went looking in the country where use to live I'd find some black ones though.

[CedarS]

Thanks everyone, responses much appreciated. I made it through okay, still a touch ouchy, but not overly triggered. I used a cognitive-behavioral writing exercise too, correcting my thoughts on the matter, helped emotionally also.

[Miss_A]

{{{{SarahL}}}} Maybe she just needs some space alone? But its not your fault!

[(JD)]

Yes, this learning is quite a process... you are doing well, imo. You did what was fine, and she isn't open to it yet. The response is all about her, not you, you are correct.

Now, move on to what you wish had happened, what you wish will happen, or dispense with it altogether. You've done your part, imo.

It's past history that causes you to feel like it is all your fault. Don't believe those lies. They weren't true then, and they aren't now.

What is in YOUR best interest now?

[CedarS]

I did really well with all this. Chose to not listen unduly to the old voices and tapes. Took really good care of myself. Moved on.

Day later I went out for lunch as a reward and to celebrate my work.

[(JD)]

So how kewl was that? Good for you!

Sarah,

Hi I've been reading your post, and can so relate to that inner voice. Mine is always telling me how no one wants to hear from me or be with me-- I heard that a lot from my family- when growing up- and still do, when they get the chance!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Chose to not listen unduly to the old voices and tapes. Took really good care of myself. Moved on.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ---- I must say-- That is WONDERFUL!!
and " hat's off to you"--

Thanks so much for sharing good news..... I love to hear about people that are working hard towards positive results-- and you certainly are!!

Can I ask- did you, or do you go to therapy? I've been going for a year and don't think I can accomplish what you've done. Just curious-- you don't have to answer if you don't want to..... just wonder if I'll ever be there?!?!!

Thanks again for sharing!

Mandy

[CedarS]

I'm 47 years old, been in various therapy off and on since about 1988. I also have quite the passion for survival and health, I read a lot, especially on psychology type matters. My quest for understanding even took me in some not so good places, got involved with a destructive cult group, but I survived and got out.

I ain't perfect of course, and I'm like many folks who know good things but don't necessarily do them. Yet I need to give myself credit, I do work hard at the job of being me, I've good self insight and lots of tools in my self-help tool box.

Cognitive behavioral stuff is my favorite lately. Keeping a journal when I can also helps lots.

Practice, practice, practice is the way to go I believe. Habit change is such a worthy pursuit, to change the habit of how we speak to ourselves within.

One way to figure out how you already are -there- in some sense is to think on what you do well, and to reward yourself for all the small steps you take in health. Celebrate and find things to be grateful for.

There are wonderful books out there on goal setting and on how to challenge our negative thinking. And there is also a lot of nonsense out there too, so listen to your instincts, pick and choose according to what really works for you.

Thanks so much for the upbeat feedback too, makes my day.

Sarah

I'm almost your age- I'm 42- I'm getting a late start at getting myself better! ( wish I could have went to therapy when I attempted to 11 years ago-- it's a long story!) I have a lot of "re-programming" to do. I've just started trying to understand things and believe it's a very important thing to do.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My quest for understanding even took me in some not so good places, got involved with a destructive cult group, but I survived and got out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Wow- that must have been something! Sounds like your life would make an interesting book! Seriously!!

I can see where practice, practice, practice is a good way to progress....and "habit change" is very important. That's just what it's like for me-- Habit... I find myself thinking negative things about myself way before I even realize it! It's such a habit- I spose.

You have many great ideas, like the one where you said :
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
reward yourself for all the small steps you take in health

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I've never done that-- I'll have to try it.. I'm sort of a perfectionist and if it's not the TOTAL outcome- then I feel I've failed. The "small steps"-- I'll have to remind myself of that- thanks!

I wish you continued progress in your life--- you're an inspiration! Thanks again for sharing!

Mandy

[Raynaadi]

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