[salukigirl]

I have noticed that in several relationships it's always me that's the crazy one. Noone ever thinks about what the other person is doing to
intentionally push my buttons. So why is it that guys can sit there and do everything in the world to upset me and then when I finally lose it I'm the bad guy?

[JayS]

I'm sorry to say, most men are A-holes and love to play head games.... you need to beat them at there own game and let them look like idiots. This is just my opinion though.

[tonih]

One of the main reasons I am separated from my husband is that he always made me "the bad guy" in our marriage. After much soul searching, I realize that even though he put me in that role, I also realize that I accepted the role of bad guy. I suppose it goes along with the very large bag of guilt that I drag through life. Perhaps you are doing the same in your marriage? Worth thinking about. Oh, and by the way, you aren't the bad guy, just the one who accepts the title. blessings

[Psyched]

Hi Salukigirl,
You helped me with my question, so I'll put in my two cents.
I think maybe you aren't confronting your boyfriends when they do things that piss you off & hold in your anger until you "finally lose it". I can sooo relate! Sometimes I don't even realize that people do things to upset me until much later, & confrontation scares me. They probably don't think they're doing anything to bother you if you aren't saying anything. Or maybe, since you're allowing them to get away with doing whatever they are doing (I assume) which they know isn't right, they take advantage of you. More people than not will do that; it isn't just guys. I always hear that "people treat you the way you teach them to". That's why I'm trying so hard to learn how to change the signals I'm giving out, & respect myself more.
Hope this helps!

As a man, I invite anyone who thinks most men are A-holes to avoid them. Seems counterproductive to associate with those you have no respect for.

[JayS]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

As a man, I invite anyone who thinks most men are A-holes to avoid them. Seems counterproductive to associate with those you have no respect for.

As a man, I stand by what I said.... "Most" men are A-holes, I know it and I "think" you know it but just won't admit it.

[AAAAA]

I know it's off topic, and I apologize for that salukigirl, but I don't think either gender has cornered the market on being an A-hole. If these are the only type of people you're meeting then you're going to the wrong places.

Jay I think you give your sex too much credit, women have their own games.

On topic, salukigirl why would you remain in a relationship with someone that goes out of their way to upset you? I would say it is you, but not for the reasons you suggest. You're picking the wrong men.

[salukigirl]

I guess I don't feel like I give off the impression that I allow that kind of behavior. Especially because when he acts like that I just get up and leave. I fight back definitely. I never just sit back and take it. But I notice that when I see him with his mother. If his mom says no to something he wants, eventually she WILL give in and let him do whatever he wants. I imagine it has always been like that. So I feel like maybe she brought him up thinking that he can say/do whatever he wants with women.

But I don't want to say it like that because he is not a womanizer. Doesn't cheat or anything. He helps me cook, he does the dishes, does laundry. So he isn't disrespectful in that sense. He just sometimes becomes overpowered with control almost.

99% of the time, he realizes that he is overreacting. I give him a minute to cool down and he apologizes and everything is fine. He even went to the doc and got meds because he said the stress of writing his thesis was driving him insane and it has gotten a lot better. He doesn't over react nearly as much.

But it seems like that one time he does he goes overboard. I feel like he's just really aggressive and defensive in general and that comes out when he feels threatened. And I don't know how to handle it so that he gets the point. I feel that he genuinely does not like acting that way.

He told me that when he acts like that its like hes blacking out. He doesn't even realize what hes doing or saying. And I can relate because that's how I was before I started on Lexapro. I would just go overboard without thinking.

I don't want to get out of the relationship. But I don't know how to get my point across. I feel like if I give in and forgive him that it wont sink in how serious I am about it. He has gone to counseling with me and has agreed to go to more but the student center counseling takes forever to assign couples to someone so we haven't had another appointment yet.

I want to believe that he wants to change. He hates it when his dad acts like that but then he does it. I just have to hope that he sees it in himself and doesn't like it about himself because I know me nagging wont do anything but cause resentment. I really would like to work it out though.

Good luck with the counseling, salukigirl. Learning to effectively communicate with each other certainly is worth the effort.

[salukigirl]

AAAA - I don't know how I give off the feeling that I don't respect myself. I admit I have picked some crappy men but I think he is different. Maybe that's naive but I feel like its different bc he actually cares and I do feel like he wants to change. I just have to hope this isn't one of those times I'll look back on in 10 years and go 'man I was a friggen idiot'

[AAAAA]

I don't know where you inferred that I don't think you don't respect yourself. Actually, based upon your previous threads I think quite the opposite. Even so, it's possible to repeatedly seek out the wrong men.

[Psyched]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I don't know where you inferred that I don't think you don't respect yourself. Actually, based upon your previous threads I think quite the opposite. Even so, it's possible to repeatedly seek out the wrong men.

I think maybe Salukligirl confused your reply with mine, b/c I did mention something about working on respecting myself more.
Salukigirl, I hope that you didn't take that personally- I wasn't inferring, either, that you give out signals that you don't respect yourself. I felt like I could relate to your problem, & was giving you advice based on my personal experience. You did say in the first post that this happened with several guys & not just this one boyfriend, so I thought it was a pattern. Maybe AAAAA is right & you are just picking the wrong guys. I don't know the answer; just trying to help. Best.

[salukigirl]

AAAA and Psyched - I wasn't taking it personally or the wrong way or took offense to it. I know that in the past I have been guilty of putting out the image that I didn't respect myself. The same stupid stuff that I see girls doing now and it makes me upset. Maybe because I didn't respect myself before it doesn't really matter the image I put out now? Like I got into the routine of choosing disrespectful men because I never did respect myself and now that I do I'm still making the same choices?

I'm not sure if any of that made sense lol

We actually had a BIG talk today. I gave him a ton of examples of things he does that show him being very defensive and trying to put me down. He opened up a little and, like I expected, he got a lot of crap when he was younger. Went to a Lutheran school where they guilt you like crazy for even thinking the wrong thing. He has a little sister and said his whole life he has had to defend himself against things she would try and pin on him. His dad is kind of a jerk too and flips out over little things so I can definitely see where the pattern began and how he could learn to react that way.

But after a long time of talking and getting him to calm down and talk to me normally, he admitted he does it. Said that he doesn't like himself like that (which I liked because I want him to do it for himself not me). I'm just glad that he sees the things that he doesn't like in himself and wants to change, not because of me, but because he doesn't like the person he is when he gets like that.

And I will say in his defense that he has gotten a lot better. The past couple days were the first in a couple months where we even so much as argued. I think he is trying to be a better person and, as long as he WANTS to try, I want to try to work with him on it. After all, all relationships go through ups and downs and what makes them good is when you want to stick around after the downs right?