Writing for closure

I moved in to a mobile home with a friend of mine in order to gain some independence from my family. I was a bit homesick at times (I was 3.5 hours from my parents) but I was enjoying having freedom. I had a job that I enjoyed and actually started dating-something I didn't do back home for various reasons.

My friendship wasn't the best and I made a really bad judgement call in order to try to save it. I allowed my friend's (brand new) boyfriend to move in with us. I didn't know anything about him, and her mother made it clear that he did not approve of him moving in so I would have to lie to her (which was very hard because she treated me like a daughter).

Not long after this guy moved in, I started seeing red flags. He had a prison record, he had a few restraining orders against him. He had a pretty bad temper which made me extremely uncomfortable, especially when he blew up at me when I was trying to joke around with him. He was also lazy, unemployed and a total free loader which I tried to put up with because my friend was in love with him and I was trying to support her.

When I saw his temper though, I did everything I could to try to get my friend to see him for what he was. But she just turned a blind eye and the two of them began ganging up on me. At first it was little things-I'd invite my boyfriend over and everything would be fine-but after he left they would bad mouth him, tell me he was no good and that he made them uncomfortable when he was there (which was bs because we'd stay in my room mostly to avoid the two of them). If I asked them to do something or not do something (such as having friends over past 11pm on a weeknight) they would agree-but call me controlling.

One night my friend's parents stopped over for some reason or another when they were out (they were always out, which was extremely lonely for me as I didn't really have many other people to hang out with)...when they stopped over I was totally off guard and hung over from being out v. late the night before. When they saw this guys stuff all over, they began to question me about how often he was there and was he "really" living there. I denied that he was living there (and felt like crap). Her mom could tell that I was unhappy though and she called her daughter on it.

After her parents left I went to bed and feel asleep. I was sleeping for about two hours when they got home. They forced me out of bed to "talk" to them...which was b.s. as all they did was blabbling to my friend's mom. I really was half asleep and felt sick to my stomach and just didn't have the energy to argue but I stood my ground until the boyfriend screamed in my face that if I wasn't happy with the living situation I had to "get my s*** and move the f*** out" (mind you, I was the one paying rent). I yelled back that I was tired of all this and was going back home. I went to my room, locked the door and started calling my parents but decided to sleep on it instead.

After that, I stopped feeling safe. The next two days after work I was scared to go home (the first day I came home long enough to change into gym clothes and get my iPod, I left as they came home but I ran to my car and drove off before they could try to talk (yell) at me again. The next day I drove straight to the mall where I proceeded to have a mini anxiety attack where I couldn't focus my attention on anything except the situation...I called my friend's parents and asked if I could come over so I could talk to them. I went over there and spilled everything. The two of them went to the trailer and made him leave and for a short time my friend started to see him for who he was (especially as he called us repeatedly to the point we had to turn our cellphones off and unplug the house phone). But they of course got back together the next day, even after me and her mom attempted to stage an "intervention".

After that I crashed. About a week later I admitted that things were not going to improve and I called my parents to tell them I wanted to move back in with them. The last month I was living there was complete hell. My "friend" constantly picked fights with me in order to make me feel guilty (which of course she denies). She began lying to me as did her boyfriend. During the process of moving I reconciled with my ex boyfriend who means the world to me and is basically the best thing I have in my life aside from family...and they constantly tried to break us up by criticizing our mutual decision to to try to make things work again and the boyfriend kept texting my boyfriend asking him why he was dating such a b****... The weekend before I moved they cornered me again...once again made me feel unsafe in my own home to the point where I really started to become paranoid that he was going to cause me physical harm.

I'm home now and I finally feel safe-but pretty much every single night I have nightmares about this guy and I can't seem to stop thinking about the situation.

And I'm upset because I allowed him to pretty much ruin the "good" life I was finally starting to lead. Now I'm stuck at home with my parents (who I love, but at 27...kind of need my independence). I felt accepted at my job and I was GOOD at it...and I'm isolated from my boyfriend.

I just need a way to get closure so I can finally get over this anger and hurt.

It really is awful to go through upheavals like this.... ya never know with some people, but you never said how long you had known this person before you decided to room together, nor did you mention if you moved into her trailer or was this a mutal decision???

Hopefully you've learned that no matter how great a friendship you have and for how long, it is always wise to get everything down ON PAPER, in writing, before taking a step where your living space could be vulnerable..... I don't care if you were best buds for 10 years, they aren't a friend if they can't understand the need to get all the details ironed out before you sign on the dotted line for anything like a lease, a car, a loan.

three and a half hours away from your folks is a good distance, but left you a bit vulnerable and with no support. Next time make sure EVERYTHING is in writing, both of you know what is exactly expected (no pets, no boyfriends move in, and what the consequences are if someone decides to break the covenant), maybe next time try this experiment a bit closer to home....

and I understand the trauma has left you shakey, but they are 3 1/2 hours away, not likely to stalk you.... try taking a meditation class or learn deep breathing techniques to help with the stress...and just chalk it all up to a life experience you had to learn, nothing is lost if you learn from a mistake and you really have to stop replaying the old tapes running in your head..... It's over, it's in the past, now you have to live one day at a time, do healthy things that will get you started on the right path again.... the hardest thing in the world sometimes is letting go, just deciding that from this moment on, it's a new ball game.... I wish you much good luck and keep your eyes peeled for roommate wanted signs on campuses, in supermarkets and on the church bulletin boards...sometimes the best roommate will turn out to be a total stranger, because you both enter into it with no warm fuzzy emotions to block reality. It will be more a set in stone contract that will protect both of you and set firm rules right from the get go.

SilverNeurotic, I am glad you are out of such a bad situation. I hope soon you find peace. Good luck in regaining more independence in a healthier environment.

Pax vobiscum.

dpst said: It really is awful to go through upheavals like this.... ya never know with some people, but you never said how long you had known this person before you decided to room together, nor did you mention if you moved into her trailer or was this a mutal decision???

I had known this girl since we were 13 or 14. We are 27 now. Her sister and one of my cousins are best friends too, so she seemed the "safest" person to room with. We moved into the trailer together-prior to that, we stayed with her parents for 10 months while we looked for a place of our own.

Hopefully you've learned that no matter how great a friendship you have and for how long, it is always wise to get everything down ON PAPER, in writing, before taking a step where your living space could be vulnerable..... I don't care if you were best buds for 10 years, they aren't a friend if they can't understand the need to get all the details ironed out before you sign on the dotted line for anything like a lease, a car, a loan.

The trailer was a month to month agreement with the landlord and there wasn't any paperwork really to sign. When I agreed to let the boyfriend move in, I put down some ground rules and asked if they would sit down with me so we'd iron out the details. Then they were never home for us to actually do this.

and I understand the trauma has left you shakey, but they are 3 1/2 hours away, not likely to stalk you.... try taking a meditation class or learn deep breathing techniques to help with the stress...and just chalk it all up to a life experience you had to learn, nothing is lost if you learn from a mistake and you really have to stop replaying the old tapes running in your head..... It's over, it's in the past, now you have to live one day at a time, do healthy things that will get you started on the right path again.... the hardest thing in the world sometimes is letting go, just deciding that from this moment on, it's a new ball game.... I wish you much good luck and keep your eyes peeled for roommate wanted signs on campuses, in supermarkets and on the church bulletin boards...sometimes the best roommate will turn out to be a total stranger, because you both enter into it with no warm fuzzy emotions to block reality. It will be more a set in stone contract that will protect both of you and set firm rules right from the get go.

It's easier to say that I'll just leave the situation behind and forget about them. I still have connections up there, my boyfriend and one of my coworkers who I was close to. Eventually I'll want to go up there to visit, it would be nice if those visits wouldn't be so nerve racking.

When I move out again, I will probably try it solo. The thought of rooming with a stranger creeps me out.