[salukigirl]

When does anger go from being a normal, everyday emotion to a problem? I ask because I feel I used to have an anger problem. Getting mad over the littlest things that didn't really matter. Now I'm starting to see that maybe my boyfriend acts the same way I used to (I acted this way before we got together).

Big things like being short on money or worried about grades doesn't phase him one bit. But man if you try and play Super Mario, you better put in some ear plugs and have an extra controller around for when he karate chops it. I think this guy could break his leg and laugh about it but if he burns dinner he cusses for an hour about it. I can make a joke one day that he laughs at and the next day I could make the same joke and get screamed at.

One day we were marking flags to put on his experimental plots and he said to mark them on both sides. I did it once and said "you can see the marking from the other side so maybe you should just put it on one?" and he says "yeah whatever...it's your ****ing project isn't it?" and gave me the silent treatment for like an hour.

It's just so hard to predict how he will react to anything. He started on Prozac and he has been better but it seems like now that it's been a few months he is starting to revert back to how he was before. Like he is building up a tolerance. Which is expected; but his doc bumped up the dosage and he took it for about a week and felt wiped out and couldn't handle that much - was sleeping all the time, had no motivation etc...

I just don't know how to ask him about it. I feel like every time he gets angry it makes me feel like an idiot because usually he's getting mad at something I messed up on. I feel like it's making me lower than him. I never had a problem with it before because I just fought back and it would be done but now I'm trying to keep myself calmer and not flip out but can't seem to calm him down.

What does this sound like? I can't figure out if it's just him being controlling so he gets mad when stuff doesn't go his way? Or if it's an anger problem? An anxiety problem?

You perceive his anger as a problem and his unpredictability is problematical. Is your friend in therapy? I think it would be helpful if you could attend a therapy session so you could tell the therapist how your friend's anger affects you.

[Rapunzel]

It sounds like he has some control issues, which may very well go along with depression and/or anxiety, but he is still responsible for his own behavior, and if it is a problem for you or making life uncomfortable, unhappy, or scary for you, then you are well within your rights to address the problem or to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. Medication makes symptoms easier to deal with. They don't change attitudes and problematic behaviors. Therapy is much more effective for understanding anger and how to manage it.

Also see:

1. Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
2. Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
3. Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?

more: http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html

[salukigirl]

Rapunzel - some of those things sound like him but not all. He will talk about it and he can control it sometimes.

I talked to him today. Once I caught him in a calm mood I kinda laid it on him. I told him that I felt like his anger was controlling me and explained that it seems like whenever he doesn't get his way he gets upset. I gave him some examples and he apologized but I said I wasn't accepting just a simple "I'm sorry" this time.

I'm getting ready to go off to grad school about 7 hours away here in 6-8 months. I said that there was no way I would move 7 hours away, have him relocate and try to find a job and then have nothing change and then both of us be across the country. He admitted that he wouldn't want to be with me if I acted like that.

I kind of gave him an ultimatum. Basically if I don't see any real effort before then then I am moving by myself. And for the first time in the year that we have been dating I saw him get teary eyed. We talked while at lunch that way I was safe from him screaming or overreacting. I think if we wouldn't have been in public he probably would have cried which would be a first. I told him that I was afraid that he wouldn't take me seriously. I said that I was being 100% honest and that I was not about to live feeling controlled and powerless just because we have fun together most of the time.

I think it may have finally dawned on him that I will in fact leave if this doesn't change. But I also told him that he has to not like it in himself for it to stop and that I wont nag because if he doesn't wanna change, he wont.

So tonight we were sitting on the couch and he asked if I wanted to play Super Mario and I made him pinky swear he wouldn't flip. So we played for a good 2 hours and he didn't cuss or anything. I think he kind of realized that if he just chilled it would make me happy, which in turn makes him happy lol.

Granted this is only one day so I'm not getting my hopes up or anything. And I hate doing things like ultimatums or threats but I feel like that's the only way to show him how bad his anger is. Maybe when the smoke clears a little I will talk to him about going to see a T. He went once and the woman he saw said it would be better to go to couples but since it is through the school you can maybe get one appointment per semester. I just don't think he has anyone to talk to about it and I would advise him to come here but this is like my own little place and I feel like if we were both on the same site we wouldn't be able to open up fully. Well hopefully something happens cause I might snap on him soon if it doesn't.

It is a start. Well done.

[Rapunzel]

Very well done. And it sounds like he did respond well and was open to working on it. I hope he keeps it up.