I KNOW that there is a girl who is half sister to my children, my eldest wrote to her (he is 20) she wrote back saying she thinks we have the wrong person. we KNOW we dont, she is 31 with children of her own and has five half brothers and one half sister that she has no idea about.

Do we tell her the truth or leave her thinking her 'dad' is her real dad when he is not, although to all intents he has been there for her all her life ! So he is her dad ! Do we shatter her illusions or leave things be. I am so confused right now.

Or maybe I am not maybe I should leave things be and know this ?

[AAAAA]

Wow, that's an extremely tough question. I think I'd leave it as it is.

[salukigirl]

This sounds like a situation for Springer.....

These things come with time. I think she probably knows the truth but her mind wont let her realize it until she's ready.

Springer I need to get my hair done first ....

[AAAAA]

So what do you think you'll do?

Try to talk my son into letting it go..... Pray I have brought him up well enough that he listens to me.

[AAAAA]

He's a smart boy, he'll understand that you don't visit the mistakes of the parents on the kids. What prompted him to contact her?

[marjan]

probably it's better to tell the family first and find out what they think? you don't know her, but her mom and dad know her better.....

[Pomegranate]

My daughter has a half brother she most likely would not have found out about if I had not told her. I knew he lived in the area and had bad thoughts of them meeting as teenagers, etc. etc. So as soon as she was old enough to understand, I think she was around 12 or 13, I told her about her step brother. Then left her to deal with that information any way she wanted to - but being always ready to support her or answer any questions she might have.

I believe once she was older she did met him, or at least they are "friends" on facebook. (Her father did everything in his power to deny paternity but ultimately lost the case via blood tests.) I would be there for your son, but it's his half sister. Let him work out his relationship with her how ever he sees fit. It may be an unpleasant learning experience at first. But in time, who knows?

Well as I said in another thread I don't agree with secrets, so have always mentioned to all my children that they have another sister somewhere in the world.

He was fiddling about on facebook and mentioned her to me so WE had a look for her and found her.

I am partly to blame for this so I have to try to fix it.

As a very very good friend of mine asked me. How would I feel if this was my daughter we was talking about ? I would hate it to be honest. So........ Its now up to me to try to get this in the right place .

[Shangrala]

Perhaps, contact her parents first, (even though she is an adult and with her own life). Maybe her parents had good reason not to have told her....it's hard to say.
But if she were my daughter, (and I had kept this from her, for whatever the reason), and she was contacted out of the blue by her half siblings, I know that I'd certainly feel violated.

Shangrala

Bit of background.

My ex her bio father was going out with a girl and he finished with her. she said she was pregnant so he went back out with her but she wasn't so they split up again. She then said she was pregnant again but he wouldn't believe her (turned out she was this time). He was seventeen she was sixteen.

The little girl was born ex now 18 mother 17. He paid child support for a year but did not go and see the baby apart from one visit where he received a photo of her (which we have).

The young girl wrote to him when the baby was a year old saying she had met someone else and he wanted to adopt the child. My ex agreed. For some reason they paid back in one go ALL the child support my ex had paid to them. Ex said fine and kept the money and let the child be adopted.

From what I can gather the then young girl and her 'new boyfriend' married and still are some 31 years later. We did not know this prior to looking for her.

So really I feel its best left as it is.

Thoughts anyone ?

Also we have no way of contacting the parents of the girl who is now 32 not 31 as I think I said earlier.

can you explain to your son what you mentioned in your last post? maybe then he'll let it go. it sounds like she doesn't know her dad isn't her bio dad and i'd think that news really should come from her family. i'd think it'd be pretty traumatic for her to find out something so important from people that to her are strangers. it's unfortunate but i'm guessing her parents never told her and probably have no intention of doing so at this late date.

Same thoughts as me ....

Thank you.

[perpetuallysad]

I'd like to give this the perspective of the girl who doesn't know who her real dad is. About a year ago, I found out the man whom I've always thought was my dad (who actually died when I was 1 year old) was, in fact, not my father. I found out my "real dad's" name, but with all the searching I could manage, I've never found him. Personally, it was absolutely devastating to me. The situation was different as my mom intentionally lied to me and I never had a living father. Even now she has only threatened me about trying to find the man. I no longer have any relationship with my mother and this incident was the final straw. I have to say that not knowing, then finding out suddenly is an AWFUL feeling. This girl has the advantage of having a man who did love her and take care of her. I think if I had a "father" the information that he wasn't my biological father wouldn't be as painful. But me having my illusion of a father taken away and knowing I lived my entire life without a living father, only to find out one was alive was reality shattering, to say the least. Either way, if you tell this girl, its going to cause her significant pain. Especially considering that your ex so easily gave up his parental rights, aside from finding out she has siblings, she is going to find out that her bio father "didn't want her". I have no advice either way to whether you should tell her, but think about what I've said. You are going to create a happy situation for your son, while you could actually be causing a great bit of destruction in her life.

This is something my son can live without.

He has four brothers and a sister plus a mum a dad a step dad two nans and a grandad who love him not to mention aunts uncles and cousins who he sees often and care for him as he is such a nice lad and easy to love.....

He will have to learn that some things in life are best left alone.

[AAAAA]

Wow! I think the fact that they (girl's mother and new husband) paid back all of the child support that your ex paid is very telling. It says to me that she wanted to wipe this man totally out of her life so the odds of her ever telling this woman that she had a biological father out there is not good.

I know your feelings on secrets, but some things are better left unsaid. I have never shared with my children that I've been molested or raped. It's not that I feel any shame for these things, I just don't see any reason to share that particular pain with my kids.

Explained to him that its best left alone as she has no idea about her bio father or anything to be honest. And this could/would just cause upset for her and her family that they really could do without. That he has plenty of relatives to be going on with and that if she is ever told then she will remember this and be able to get in contact with him then.

He said....... Ok mum if that's what you think then thats what I will do.

I am so proud of him for not arguing about this.

[AAAAA]

Like I said, he's a smart boy. You should be very proud.

[perpetuallysad]

I'm proud of him to, that's a really mature way to deal with it!

[bipolo]

You really need to leave it alone and let nature take its course. The half sister has been contacted nowits her turn to respond when she is ready.

Totally agree with you .

[anna342]

I've only just seen this, as I'm useless at paying attention to the forums much, but I think you've done the right thing. Maybe one day curiosity will get the better of her, but until then it's probably best not to risk hurting other people through it.