[mellijoy]

I joined this forum because I feel like I have no where else to go. I am in the military and have been married for a little over 2 years. My husband followed me to my first duty station in Florida and now he followed me to my current duty station in Washington state. He was so depressed in Florida (for 3 years) but he blamed it on the fact that the economy was so bad down there and he couldn't find a job (he's a photographer). All we wanted to do was move then everything would be better. Well we did move, to Washington, about 3 months ago and it hasn't gotten any better, if anything maybe it's worse. He keeps saying it isn't me, but I'M the one who keeps him moving around with the military, I'M the one who keeps uprooting him and forcing him to leave his friends! He gets angry about this sometimes too, he broke a chair last week. I'm not afraid for myself or anything but I am afraid of what he might do to myself. He has not been able to find a job up here yet or meet many people and this is what he's blaming the depression on (even though he is convinved he isn't depressed) but I think it might just be him. I feel like he's stuck in this hole and I can't help him out. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. He still tells me that he can't live without me. But what do I do??? It breaks my heart watching him hurt like this!

Is he willing to see a professional to determine if he would benefit from medication and/or therapy?

[Catherine2]

mellijoy, hi

jmo/jme...Army brat and I'm also a Veteran

Being the spouse of a career military person takes a special kind of person. It takes getting used to being "second."
It also takes some planning on the part of each one of you so your marriage remains happily intact...and your career is not adversely impacted.

The suggestion by TheByzantine about couples therapy is a good idea. Many issues can be addressed and solutions worked out that will benefit both of you.

mellijoy, in all honesty, perhaps part of his depression is from the moves...but a bigger factor may be not being able to find a job because of the economy.
This is not your fault...it's something many military families face with reassignments.
It's also something that just plain comes with being in the military. It takes the spouse some time to make the adjustment, but it will take some honest communication.

Please stop taking the blame for this--he knew, or at least had an idea, of what it was going to be like...the reality of it can be a challenge, but it can also be met.

Your love for him is obvious and so is your desire for him to be happy. He has the responsibility of finding the things he can do to make things easier for himself--it requires being creative and willing to do legwork.
Photography. He can investigate the possibilities of photographing weddings, graduations, etc. at reduced fees in order to get established...part time work in the Post Exchange hopefully in the camera department, any number of things that *he* can do to establish himself and start a support/professional network.
Starting at the bottom might be tough but it is a start.

If he refuses to attend couples therapy, go yourself. At minimum you will be able to let go of the guilt and blame. It will also enable you to focus more clearly on your duties as the soldier...your mind has to be able to concentrate on your responsibilities.
Seeing the difference it will make in you will most likely make it easier for him to go with you.

My best wishes,
Catherine

[uossyb]

Your situation is so similar to mine. I got a job overseas about a year ago and my boyfriend was unable to find work for the first 6 months we were here. He started to get very depressed and even though he has a good job now he is still really really down. I feel so guilty because I am the reason we are here but I have worked very hard to get where I am in my job and I am loving the work here. I am also unsure that simply moving will solve the problem as I feel that while moving OS may have started things, the depression is much deeper now (but I have told him that I will leave if he wants). My contract finishes at the end of next year - and although we do plan to go home then - I can't imagine watching him like this for another year. He has admitted that he is depressed - but will not seek professional help and is not very good at talking about his feelings with me either. I have said that I am always here for him - but apart from that I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. It really helps me to read your story because I know I am not alone.

[mellijoy]

Thank you all for your support and suggestions! My husband has actually been taking some steps to get some help with the depression. He saw his doctor and although he does not want to be on antidepressants he did agree to some mild anti-anxiety meds for when he starts to feel like he's losing control. It seems to have helped him just being able to talk to someone besides me. He is starting counseling on his own this weekend, which I hope will help. He feels like he needs to go on his own for a little while because it hurts him to see me upset by his depression, I think as much as it hurts me watching him experience it. We had some family visit over the holidays which I think help, it definitely helped me!

As far as my career in the military I think I am just going to take it one step at a time at this command. We'll see if it will be better for me to get out at the end of this tour or to stay in for another one.....

[newlywed09]

Hi Melljoy,
I'm new to this forum, but can really relate to your situation. My husband and I both have jobs, but 3-1/2 hrs apart, and only see each other on weekends. We are trying to find him a job closer to home, but construction isn't happening here. I have a great job, and we have a farm. He makes me feel like it is my fault that he is so unhappy. I'm trying to get him to go with me to talk to our preacher, but he says it's our problem, and no one elses. What did you say to encourage him to see someone. After reading your post, it gave me a little hope.
Thanks, Becky