Looking for advice.

A little about me. I got married to my best friend in October 2009. He lives in an apartment for his job 3-1/2 hrs away. He works in construction and has a great job, and I'm in the health care field and I have a great job. We have been trying to find him a job closer to home, but no one is hiring right now. The weekends are great, and then once he goes back to the apartment, it's 4-5 day struggle to keep him happy, and this affects my work too. Never thought that this would be happening to me, because I have always been the optimist, and thought that is what I married. Every day is a struggle, and I love him very much. I never seem to know what to say to him to make him happy. Seems that I never can. Thought chatting about this can give me insight on how to talk to him and help him and me. Thanks, Becky

Hi Becky,

My sister married her husband 20 years ago. The first 12 years of their marriage were like what you are going through now. Except he didn't make it home that often. Sometimes it was only once a month. His jobs were sometimes 600 miles or more away. All in all, they lived one kind of married life and then 12 years later, he got a job in their town and they had to learn another kind of married life. It was HARD. But, they did it, one day at a time.

I know your marriage is very new. And that means you are still learning what works. But my first question would be, why would you think that his happiness is your responsibility during those 4-5 days that he is away from you? Actually, his happiness is not your responsibility at any time but we'll just go with the 4-5 days right now. Could that be a bit co-dependent of you to take responsibility for his feelings? It would seem that as long as you are faithful and remember that you are a team when you make major decisions while he's gone, you are holding up your part of the deal. I would be careful about falling into the no-win habit of feeling responsible for the entire success of the marriage.

Just my opinion. I've had LOTS of experience, both pro and con.

Welcome to PC and there's lots of wonderful people here to support you.

Hi newlywed, welcome to PC! I would underline what Vickie said about his happiness not being your responisibility. Sure, we can do things that we KNOW will make others happy or unhappy. But in the big picture, as mature adults, we each have to learn how to take responsibility for our own emotions.

One thought I had, not knowing your circumstances, is that maybe it would be easier for you - being in the health care field - to relocate than it would be for your husband? The current job situation is much more difficult on construction workers than for people in the health care field. So maybe that is something you two can think about and discuss?