[earlyninties]

i am depressed, i really try to be a decent person at work. people seem to mess around with me at times and it really brings me down to where i probably am not nice to people who are fairly nice to me. i don't get upset quickly but it all seems to come all out at once on rare occassions. i get the feeling people really don't want me there because im not a happy person, and they try to make me talk somedays and it just gets me even more upset when they talk about me. people can really screw around with me, i'm not usually that way wth them. i dont really know who to trust anywhere at work. any advice?

[Perna]

Hi, earlyninties, welcome to PsychCentral.

When I read your post I was trying to find the "main" feeling or thread/message but I got confused with where to focus. I couldn't tell if you feel more, people don't want you there because you're not a happy person or if you're just a quiet, okay person and people mess with you which makes you worse? Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? :-)

"it really brings me down to where I probably am not nice to people who are fairly nice to me" I get the thought that you wish you could put up with their "teasing" or screwing around with you? What is the nature of their screwing around with you?

I think work can often be like grammar school playgrounds with people trying to be "popular" and backstabbing others at the same time they may feel bad about themselves too.

For me, knowing myself and being friends with myself and supportive of how I am and what I say and do was the best thing I did for myself. I use to be talked about at work too because of the way I am/act but I could go with it, even exaggerate it because I realized it was literally entertaining other people and they were enjoying me and the entertainment.



My 50th birthday party at work where I'm being lei'd by an orange gorilla :-) Another woman I worked with turned 40 two years earlier but was upset about being 40 and when the business owner's daughter wanted to roast her, I sacrificed myself and my 50th birthday in her place!

Look hard at the people who are fairly nice to you and try to start a little interaction with them, tell them a little about yourself/your interests and/or struggles. If we move inward on ourselves, we can only go in so far but moving outward provides more space and opportunity. Use some of your limited energy getting to be friends with yourself and a few others and that might get you more energy. If you talk to one or two people, they're likely to help you when others try to mess with you or, if you can "put up with" or make a little bit of fun of your not talking (pretend to be a mime?) a bit of good humor will get them to not mess with you as much or as often?

[Psyched]

Hi earlynineties,
I can strongly relate to your experiences. Sadly, I think that most people who pick up on a weakness in another (such as sadness, loneliness or insecurity) will try to use it to their advantage. I have a problem with always trying too hard to please everyone at my own expense. I will even be nice to people who are a**holes to me. I can't help it, b/c I just always assume that everyone is like I am; that they are good people who wouldn't hurt a vulnerable person. Unfortunately, that isn't the case, & I can personally attest to that. Not everyone is like that, but most people are insecure & many will bully others & put them down to try to make themselves look superior. Pretty pathetic but true. The pattern I've found myself doing is that I'm too nice & let people walk all over me. At first, I don't even notice what they're doing b/c I give people the benefit of the doubt. But then they just get worse, & when I do realize what's happening, I internalize my anger & continue doing what they want. At some point, I will end up being passive-agressive or exploding, which makes me look like a Jekyl & Hyde, & people are perplexed by my reactions. What I've learned is that I can't control other people, I can only control myself. They aren't going to change, but if this is a pattern, then I have to change myself & stop people from doing things to me before it ever happens. I am working on boundaries. Also, I try to limit the personal info I let others know about me in every aspect of my life. I was told that people should always do that in a work environment. Some people can get away with chatting about their lives & be happy-go-lucky, but I'm better off not revealing much with my particular problems. Especially since people will target you if they know you're weak. So I suggest that, if you're co-workers are causing you stress due to social issues, try to just concentrate on doing your job well. Pretend you're really shy & use it as an excuse not to talk to them. Why would you want to, anyway, if they're being jerks?
Good luck.

[earlyninties]

that's good stuff guys, i appreciate that. i would say i'm quiet at work, i close myself off to avoid people picking. i'm sure there's things others find bad about me, so i like you said try to do a good job and that alone. i've learned the hard way that everyone is not going to be my friend, especially in a work environment. what u said about the jekyl and hyde thing certaintly rings a bell. i don't have much of a social life out of work, so when i first started a job i didn't take it too serious. since then i have become a "good worker". and now like it's always been with certain others, i am told to just ignore them. i'm tired of hearing that and am thinking i have to be a tougher person i don't know how to go about being taken seriously. i'm not the type of person to say my boss for example what's his name decided to throw flour in my eye while i was cleaning the oven i think u should talk to him. nobody has my back but myself is the way i see it, i feel i usually get senseless advice anyway. i didn't physically do anything wrong to certain employees for them to take all their agression on me. i feel handicapped in that i don't follow with the gossip either which i'm probably a target of as well. it's hard really to say who really is genuine.