[meApe]

Today my wife and I talked. She admitted that she feels something for this other guy is working on letting him go. She says she feels emotionally distant from me is scared that I'm going to hurt her again. She wants to feel wanted by me and she wants to feel loved by me. I guess I was buying her flowers and stuff, but during the presentation it wasn't heartfelt enough. Am I supposed to not ever show her that things hurt? Every time I see her am I supposed to show that I'm excited to see her? I girls want to see it in our eyes and they want feel it when we talk to them. Its there when I see her my heart does flutter, when she gets near my breathing changes, I love the smell of her hair. I tell her these things, but how can I show her enough?

[perpetuallysad]

Maybe the problem isn't with you. I don't know the entire situation, but its entirely possible she's projecting her problems onto you so that she doesn't have to deal with her responsibility in this emotional affair.

[meApe]

maybe, but she would never admit it though. I still need help though, if ever another woman wanted me now would be the time. I so desperately want to be needed.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like you are both wanting the samething but not getting it from eachother? Have you considered marital counseling ?

[meApe]

she refuses

[Alexandria04]

I read this really fantastic book (maybe some others on here have read it too) called the five love languages. It talks about how there are five love languages (obviously) and that most of the time a husband and a wife have a different "language" but that we usually try to show love in our language. For example one of the languages is giving gifts and this might be what you are doing with the flowers etc. because you think that is something you would like, but maybe her love language is quality time (or one of the other languages) and she would rather spend time with you playing a game or something than receiving gifts. I hope this makes sense, but there are five different languages and I thought the book really made a lot of sense. I am not suggesting this is the only problem but find each other's love language and learning to "speak" it might help your relationship some?

[perpetuallysad]

I'm sorry that things are going like this for you. Are you two able to talk? Was she just open about being attracted to this other guy or is it something that you found out inadvertently? How long have you been married? Do you tell her the things that you mentioned here, like loving the way she smells?

The languages of love thing is sooo true. My husband is definitely a gift giver. He's extremely kind and thoughtful and generous (sometimes to a fault!). My language is literally language. Its much easier for me to just say to him what I think than express it any other way. I'm very uncomfortable with romantic gestures, yet he loves to do romantic type things for me. But I have learned rather than hurt him by refusing the gifts/gestures or not graciously accepting them to, instead, appreciate the thoughts behind them. Maybe there is some way to get that across to her?

I don't know. I am really sorry you are hurting.

[NuckingFutz]

I am sorry that she is putting you this thing with this other guy and not wanting to go to marriage counseling and not acknowledging your appreciation of her. Have you asked her the hard question of what she needs from you in the marriage? Her behavior confuses me.

[shezbut]

meApe,

I wish that I could add "thumbs up" to posts that I agree with. Maybe high-tech members here will add that possibility.

Anyway, I am sorry that you and your wife are having a hard time seeing eye to eye on things. It isn't unusual for these issues to pop up, especially in this day and age in the Western world.

The problem becomes how willing are you (and she) to work through your problems together and grow stronger? It's a huge challenge for people to remember those who really mean something to them nowadays. If you're both religious, perhaps seeing a priest (pastor, rabbi, whatever) with this can help you re-gain strength and faith in one another. If your wife is very against seeing a counselor, you might want to start seeing one yourself. Let them help you work through your issues and grow.

It would be very nice if your wife was determined to save the marriage. A lot of times, that's exactly what you both need to make it through! Unfortunately, we can only control what we do and say. That means that YOU can go and get help. You can't make her go with. You may need to back off a little bit to gain better perspective. Probable effect is that your wife will either run away or she'll hold on tightly to you. (A lot of people need the drama in their lives ~ they need to feel needed by others.)

I assume that making your wife run is the last thing that you want. And I don't blame you for feeling that way. Just a warning: you can get sucked in hard by this cycle and it hurts. It hurts everyone involved. But you do have the power to get help for yourself. To set limits, and stick to those limits despite the intense emotions. And you can still be there for her, but you can only go so far. Hopefully, she'll soon enter into counseling as well to get help for herself, and you can grow as a couple.

I wish you both the best ~ and hope that this made some sense!

I'm scared. My wife and I have been married for seven years now. Now that I look back I can see my mood swings have erratic at best. This last year has been absolutely horrible. I became cold and distant. There was a point I didn't want anything to do with her. She then cheated on me two months ago. She told me about it. I started going to a psychiatrist but not really intensely yet. He put me on mood stabilizers and something else. I recently found out that they had been in contact for several weeks after the one encounter. They even sent lewd pictures and text messages. I demanded that all contact stopped. Last week she finally told him that she did not want to talk like that anymore, but she still works with him.

The things I've done to her over the years. Also at one or two points it could be deemed marital rape. I don't really blame her. Although I wish she didn't have to work with him. Our entire family is based on her income and benefits. She swears there is no longer any connection, but it seems like over the last two weeks I loose it about once a day or once every other day and we fight and fight and fight. She has asked what she can do to ease my mind. All I do is accuse her of things I can't prove. I'm afraid she'll leave me if I don't find a way to start controlling this, and she wakes up not knowing who I'll be. Heck I don't know who I'll be. Over our whole marriage I've made her cold and distant towards me. Every time she reaches out I yell. Then I cry and apologize. We have a good day and I start yelling. I can accurately say that she has not started one fight in two weeks with fourteen days we fought maybe 10. There has been no evidence of anything in that time too.

Now that we know what is wrong with me she doesn't know if she'll be able to help fix me because she is hurting too.

This post explains more of the problems you and your wife are experiencing. Are you receiving professional help? Both of you have some things to work on. Maybe it is time to get started?
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