[hchie]

My boyfriend is so caring and loving and we get on great. He's very emotionally supportive and is always there for me when I need him. I couldnt ask for more after a failed marriage. We loved each other and he saw a future with me and we talked about moving in together. Everything was rosy. I suffer from manic depression but whilst with him have never been so happy and stable in the last year.

Ok, Last saturday he got very drunk. I'll be meeting a good male friend of mine and going to a club soon and we discussed this. My male friend does have a soft spot for me and my boyfriend isnt happy about me going out with my friend but we talked about it constructively and he accepted it. He also told me how much he loved me blah blah. Then later he hit me on the leg and the bruise came up on monday. He was so sorry and made me hit him back but as much as i wanted to as angry and upset, I couldnt do it. He told me when he has more money again he will lavish it on me and take me out on the town, wherever i want to go. He seemed really sorry and seemed to be trying to make it up to me...

On 2 previous ocassions whilst very drunk again, he put his hands around my neck and squeezed lightly until uncomfortable. There had not been any argument just one of our deep conversations we have when drunk.

I know I'm a victim of physical abuse and everyone will tell me to leave him but when he is sober which is 99% of the time, he is the sweetest man. When he is very drunk as opposed to drunk then things happen.

we've text tonight and he's told me to trust him, give him one last chance and that it will never happen again. He has not blamed me in any way but has called himself an idiot. Yes he is more than an idiot but what i've read abusers normally blame the victim for their abuse together with giving verbal abuse and/or emotional abuse etc and I've not had any of that at all, far from it. I said i would give him one last chance and told him things wont be the same until I regain the trust and he said that he understood. I will also ask him to cut down on the drink with me and I'm sure it will happen as he's mentioned we drink too much at times. What do you all think ? If I leave him, i will be so upset but knowing if i'd gven him one more chance he couldve changed for the best, will forever get to me. however if i stay, there is a chance it may happen again but this time I will try to control him and protect myself and get away...for good.

I think he is trouble. Maybe one more chance if he agrees to be evaluated for alcohol abuse. Even then, someone putting his hands around your neck is trouble.

things won't change with him unless he makes some changes in his life. it's one thing to say let's not drink so much but chances are he may or may not follow thru with that. i think you'd be better off telling him you won't be with him unless he goes to AA regularly. he obviously has a drinking problem. if he's choking you when you aren't even fighting what will he do if he's really mad at you while drunk? you've already given him several chances. i think you need to set strong boundaries (action) rather than just talk about this. talk is cheap. by the way, these are not "small signs of aggression". it is clearly abuse. please do take care of yourself.

[Envision]

Two things stand out to me in your post. Yeah he needs to get evaluated about his drinking issues, this is heading down the wrong road, at least right now. Maybe they can be fixed. The other thing is you said you've never been so happy in the last year since you've been with him, yet you make it a point to go out with a guy "friend" to a club and this "friend" has interests in you and you don't understand why your b/f doesn't like it? Is that any way to treat him, sounds unappreciative and on the playing games side to me. Let's not confuse these two separate issues as one doesn't justify the other. He should not be doing what he is, drinking or not. It also shows me that you didn't respect him or yourself much to do what you did. If he really means as much as you say to you, help him get some guidance with his drinking and explore within yourself how important he really is and how you would like to be treated in the same scenario. Keep talking with him and set boundries and follow up daily to make sure he has plans to see someone about his drinking. I hope it all works out for you and you have another great year of feeling good.

[hchie]

Thanks for all your responses, they are all appreciated.

My male friend is a very good friend who I've known for 20 years before I ever knew my boyfriend. I see no problem with meeting him and going out. My boyfriend does not know him so is unsure of his incentives but I know that nothing will happen and should it happen my friend will not go any further when I explain i am already with someone. He will respect my wishes as he is a good friend. I have explained this to my boyfriend but he is unsure and I dont blame him either as he does not know him, but that doesnt give him an excuse to punch me. Dealing with it by talking further would have been the ideal ie "i dont want you going out with your friend because ...." i would have worked something out.

[salukigirl]

I think if this only happens when he is drunk I would refuse to see him unless he quit drinking. Then again I did that and he just drank behind my back and became physical anyways. They have to want to change for themselves or else it won't stop. Guaranteed.

[angie2716]

I can't say much because I stayed with my husband. But it gets worse! My husband doesn't physically abuse me anymore but he is verbally and emotionally abusive. But what I can do is be here for you if you ever need to talk. I hope it gets better for you hun! I wish you the best of luck!

[NuckingFutz]

I think you did not cause his drinking and no matter what you do you cannot cure him. You can do something to put your life on track even if he does not change. I want you to do 1 thing. I want to recommend that you find an al-anon meeting in your area and attend a meeting. I read through your thread and found you negotiating with yourself and attempting to convince some of us that your bf is a good guy and find a solution (just one more chance. you gave him 3. Won't you give yourself a chance? I have the number to the national domestic hotline: (800) 779-7233. They are open 24/7. Please do not be passive in this matter. Wish I had warm fuzzies for you but I offer help. Good luck to you and keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Wish I was with you to help you through this. Been there done that. You are also welcome to PM me anytine you want.

[hchie]

Thanks for all your responses - really appreciated.

A bit upset with some of Envision's post. My male friend is a very good friend of 20 years. If I said that i did not want it to go further, my friend would stop as he has respect for me. I also DO understand why my boyfriend is unhappy with me going out with him (tonight), the reason being is that he does not know him and is not sure of his incentives. This is understandable, however he should have asked me not to go out with him.... and we could have worked around it. I need all my good support network around me at this time, not to have a moan at them, but just keep me happy as its been hard this week.

I will give my boyfriend one more chance as its the first time i have actually spoke to him seriously about the situation and he seems to have taken it on board... If he should cause me any pain again, physically, or decide to become emotionally or verbally abusive to me, please believe me, i will not stay with him. He needs help, I know. He's had an abusive past. I am no therapist but I can help him in the right direction, I hope... He really does seem to like me and he knows, as of this week, that its over if he punches me again. This time I am prepared for it unlike other times, and will try and control the situation and protect myself. 99.9% he is a good person. I have to believe in this and him.

[CJR520]

Move out and don't look back! Why would you want to live your whole life like this, and why do you want to meet another man who you know has feelings for you? That would surely upset my husband! Doesn't make much sense to me.

[Envision]

hchie- Sorry for the part that upset you. I was simply adding my take of what you described. I'm glad you had a great year with him, that your doing well and you find a solution that makes you both happy.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi, I have been with someone 6.5 years. Things were great most of the time. But - he was drinking too much (still is) and he was abusive.

The thing to understand with this is - that abuse and drink are 2 different problems.

Not all drunks are abusive and not all abusive guys are alcoholics.

He needs to go on a programme to help him stop drinking and also on an abusive man programme.

You need to stay away from him. He is dangerous.