[radio_flyer]

Call me whatever but geeshhh my son is lazy and a slob... His dog peed on his bed and he asked me to clean the mattress.. I asked him to help me and he said I do better work.. I said let me TEACH you and he blurted it is a woman's job...I gave him that woman's glare...Did not affect him one bit..

Someone wants to see the sofa I have for sale and I asked AJ to tell them to come in around back to the entrance where the sofa is.. Hinting his living room is dirty. HE flipped..I asked him to pick up his shoes he has by the front door.. So if they guy does come he can get in the front door.. AJ blurted he keeps his shoes there so he can put them on when he goes out side.. He has l0 pairs of shoes lscattered from the door into the living room... YOU have to walk over the shoes....HOuse is small, his coffee table is larger than the foyer.. When you open the door all you see is junk in the closet and shoes...then the filth....clutter... whatever you want to call it...

He really is lazy....... If he is that d epressed he'd be too depressed to entertain his ladies.. I told him "ladies" do not like filth... He says they keep coming here. I reminded him the same ones don't return.. One girl was here the yesterday and she said she doesn't know how he can get a girl because his house is so filthy... duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

He wasn't raised this way.. I have never in my entire life lived this way...And I no soon clean and he filths it up in one day... He struts like he is king.. I don't get it...Only reason I try to clean a bit is because I literally can't stand living this way... Living this way is very depressing... Nothing organized.. Nothing looking nice and comfy...You can not walk in one room and sit and feel comfy...you sit on a chair and the dust flies everywhere...
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... I raised a slob......... sad........sad.......sad......He is a male chauvinist ta boot... I am not even sure but he tends to be narcissistic... although I though a narcissistic was cleaner...

I could go on and on but my fingers are already tired......What a hoot...

He is very good at pointing out "others" flaws... Yet he doesn't see his.. He doesn't has flaws... he is the smartest and the best of everything.. yet all he does is SIT AND THINK... omg.... mama hush

I mentioned again for him to look for a T.. He said he doesn't need a T. He said he is smarter than any T and that he has all the answers.. Yet all he does is sit all day and think... I am so sick of him thinking I am gonna scream

[englishteacher]

How old is he? I only ask because if he's an adult, then maybe it's time he found his own place. Why should you put up with his bad attitude and slovenly habits?

[englishteacher]

Way off topic - what's a poobah?

[radio_flyer]

Have no idea what a poobah is.. Sure hope it is good cuz it looks like I am a poobah.. At first I thought a poobah was a pooka.. A pooka fits me better lol....

The son is 29... This is idealistically his house.. It was meant to be his house.. His dad's good intentions might have been a giant mistake.. I am here because I am nuts.. I thought I could help him and get the house in order.. Painting, putting in hardwood floors in the bedrooms, new interior doors. Things to make the house look nice, yet he doesn't take care of anything... Computer junk everywhere...I dunno.. He is way too old for me to be complaing about..I think I have to accept that this is who he is...... And encourage his dad to sell this house when the market picks up.. He basically want to find a woman to clean cook for him... GOOOD luck I tell him... shrugs a mother's shoulders.....

If he even tried... To be a homeowner takes responsibilities... And AJ is proving that he is not responsible...... He isn't even looking for a job..... Yet he drinks and parties and sleeps and thinks

[englishteacher]

I'm sorry radioflyer. I guess we never stop being parents...(mine are 18 and 10, so I'm not even close yet)

How does he pay for partying if he has no job? Be careful that you are not enabling his bad habits.

[radio_flyer]

He fixes computers on the side for extra money.. I don't think he fixed many computers recently...He is a good talker.. He knows he needs a job... That is basically all he does is says he Knows he needs a job.. There isn't a lot of action with his words....If I hear him say he want to sit and think one more time I am gonna blow... lol.....I thought I knew him... Maybe I don't. I don't know any more....I just don't know....

I wrote this thread to get things off my chest...Because holding it in makes me feel ill, sad and overwhelmed.. Getting it off my chest helps....As for what he will do, guess only he knows... I can't make or suggest anything because he knows it alllllllllllll...

[radio_flyer]

Even tho I am a "complaining" mother it does not mean I do not love my son. I would not love him more if he was working.. I love him as my son.. Whatever he does. It just means I do not always approve of the way he does things or some of the things he does or does not do........His does not need my approval to do whatever he does.. What I am trying to say is that he is not expected to live his life as I want him to. I think I explained that ok....

It is not for me or his father. It is for HIM and only him. I don't really know if he is content living the life style he is living. I know it is the "easy" way..And maybe it just kept being tooooooo easy....I would just like to see him be more responsible...He isn't a kid anymore...

Anyway no matter what, a slob, or a neat freak, I will always love him the same.... He doesn't have to earn my love.. It really is unconditional... Mothers have that for their children.... They don't always have to be approving of what their sons do, but it never means they aren't loved........... or loved less because they aren't going down the right path of life.........

poobah

Alternative spellings

• pooh-bah, poo-bah, Poo-Bah

Etymology

From Pooh-Bah, a comic character in the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta The Mikado.

Pronunciation

• IPA: /ˈpuːbɑː/
• Audio (US)help, file

Noun

Singular
poobah

Plural
poobahs

poobah (plural poobahs)

1. A person holding multiple offices or positions of power, all at the same time.
2. An important person.
3. A pompous person.

Quotations

1885 — Gilbert & Sullivan, The Mikado It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services!

Derived terms

• grand poobah

Appears AJ has some poobah in him. Why do you stay, radio_flyer?

[Rhapsody]

VENT away it will do you good in the long run...

My perspective may be skewed by the fact that I was raised by a mother who was pretty absent in the taking care of department but...

It seems to me that giving in and cleaning the mattress did nothing to change you son's view that it is women's work. I don't think that unconditional love means putting up with everything a child does or does not do. I think it means loving them while expecting and helping them to grow up and take care of themselves. He will indeed choose his own path, but loving him does not mean you have to go that way with him and hold him up the whole way.
And having read your comments about why you edited your first post, I don't think you are a nag, nor do you need to shut up. But maybe you need to spend a little more love and care on yourself. That might be the best example you can set for your son.

[radio_flyer]

A million dollar question Byzantie.. Why do I stay? Isn't actually healthy for me. I stayed because I thought I could help. Some things have improved...AJ's anger/rage towards me has changed a little, but not a lot....Maybe I am not gonna last here too much longer... Might be time to be looking to live elsewhere.....Although my intentions are to help, it looks like a very unhealthy environment for me, because all the stress is wearing me down. NOT good for me at all...

[radio_flyer]

Thanks Rhapsody. Thinks I be all vented out for a bit... Looks like AJ's turn to vent at me.. lol....And he is doing a good job at it..

[radio_flyer]

Good points ripley. I do need to do "self care". I get lost in all the confusion and forget about me.. I must learn to take better care of me.

And you are right. Cleaning his mattress did not change his view about women... I am shocked that he blurted out that cleaning is a woman's job...

Again you are right.. Unconditional love does not mean I "doing always for him".. And letting he walk all over me.. He blew up at me tonight and said "you are the adult, parent, why don't you act like one... I was honest.. maybe I should not have said this as it man reinforce his intimidation towards me... I told him I can't be the parent because if I make you angry you break things, throw things at me, verbally abuse me, and this frightens me and you know it.........He did not say anything....... Sometimes I can defuse his rage, sometimes I just walk away... I know better than to interact with him when he is angry.....It only makes things worse.......

Guess this being said, it might be the best thing for me to just move out...Guess if his ship sinks, it is his responsibility... Just hope the captain doesn't go down with the ship... I worry wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much......... Now where is that wine...... OOO gee AJ took it...

Just to let anyone that reads think I drink a lot, I really don't... I've had three bottles of wine since June of 2009... I opened one bottle and had a few glasses but did not even finish the bottle... AJ took the other two bottles....... I talk a lot about wine, not sure why....

[NuckingFutz]

Have been following your posts since the holidays. I hear the love you have for your son, but it is time for you to let AJ take care of his own responsibilities. You need to take care of you. AJ needs to wake up and face the man in the mirror. Hugs!

flyer, it really sounds like AJ isn't going to do anything for himself because you are doing it all for him! unconditional love does not mean doing everything for your adult son. when you stop enabling him then he'll be forced to grow up. it's ok to let him fall on his face a bit. when he gets sick of that he'll get it together or get help. it's time to him to leave then nest and fly on his own.

[radio_flyer]

You said.. "AJ needs to wake up and face the man in the mirror." Boy you got that right..

[radio_flyer]

Bloom...Sometimes we don't see that we are enabling him, but in reality we are.....I have to let go.........Amazing how foolish parents can be...I've been down this road with AJ for a long time...

Amazing how all of this feels so familiar... Can't put my finger on it, but there is this oh so familiar feeling....Maybe I too need to wake up...

(((((( radio_flyer )))))) Love yourself. You are not AJ's servant. You are entitled to his honor; not his belittlement.

AJ has a lot of answers. Let him implement them and learn there are consequences.

Good luck.

[FlamingJune]

I can't believe you allowed him to speak to you that way. He's very disrespectful to you and you deserve better than that.
I think he needs to be given orders instead of pleas and options. You're the ruler of the house. He should know and respect that.
Start charging him for cleaning services if he doesn't do his share of housework. And if the dog pees on the bed again, tell him if he doesn't train the dog properly than either the dog goes or he's going to have to clean up after it. If you can't get rid of the dog than make him lose being able to have the dog go into his room.
I don't think you complain, I think you're trying to create order in your household and that's what a parent does.
He sounds like if you let him, he'll just continue to get worst. I hope you find a way to discipline him so he starts treating you more respectfully. You have enough to worry about.

[radio_flyer]

Flaming Jane... I also can't believe I let him talk to me the way he does. I am not sure if "size" has anything to do with it.. He is 6 ft and I am 5'2. He towers over me and can be aggressive and I shrink/get frightened when he gets aggressive.. I know I should not do this.. It just happens and I panic....AJ is an adult, he is 29... He should know better..I should know better....What a mess our lives can be if we don't keep things together.. I have no excuse for how I react or feel when frightened..... Sad place to be indeed....I am pathetic... :*( ...... I can't even take charge of my own life, I have no business being involved in AJ's life........

When I read all the replies and how "I" need to be in charge... I realize whatever happened to me, sucked out the "life" and "strength" I once had.... NO excuses or pity party for me... What all this means is I am foolish thinking I could help AJ when I have "issues" of my own...........

Sorry for the "negative" but honest post....Guess all of this just "hit" me and reality slapped me in the face and woke me up.. Me being here is like the blind leading the blind.....

radio_flyer, you are in a tough place now. Please be kind to yourself. Find the help you need. Please seriously consider getting out of that place. You do not deserve this.

((((((((( radio_flyer )))))))))