power & control in dating relationships

My therapist told me that there are 4 pillars to a healthy relationship. Respect, Compassion, Companionship, Trust (trust has two levels; 1. trust that your partner will be reliable; 2. trust that your partner will not be unfaithful).

Thank you very much, Anonymous39281. That link is very valuable to me. In the near future, I am going to start dating after a long pause. Most of my relatives are in dysfunctional relationships. "I deserve a healthy loving and supportiv relationship" is my motto.

I really need help me and my girfriend are arguing too much and its to our breaking point.

Also, I would recommend you the following mental approach: Even if they say that you are the "verbal abuser", it is very likely that to at least a half it is her problem, not your. She may well unconsciously project onto you something that she experienced in her early age.
Anyway having said that, use the I-language as described above - own the statements. Good luck!

how do you help a relationship where these things are happening?

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with a 72 year old man, we have a solid relationship with the exception of his 46 year old son playing the power trip/jilted lovers game' he absolutely hates me for no reason and vows to bury me. My boyfriend says it is acceptable in him cause hes just jealous' but the constant tug n pull placing my boyfriend in a you choose situation is killing me what can I do to help him understand this is not normal behavior?

It's fine and dandy knowing these things but rarely do people who are victims actually reach out for help therefore it goes on and on for years and they are trapped in the cycle. The main thing is to realize that this is the way it will be forever so unless you get up and leave get used to it because abusers/controllers NEVER change.

^^This.

The abuser is not going to change. I once had a dream I was a small child, happily playing with my pet alligator while my mother stood nearby, oblivious to the danger I was in, going on about making dinner and keeping house. Much analysis led me to the conclusion that the alligator represented the many father figures in my life, all of whom were unsuitable for the job. Turning an abusive drunk into a good husband, father, and family man is about as possible as turning an alligator into a puppy.

do you think with the likes of these domestic abuse programs that courts hand out these days, an abusive partner can actually change?

They may change some parts of them to appear they have changed when they never will. Why should they? The courts don't care public don't.

I need help. I have been struggling in my marriage for a year now. My husband and I decided that I would go back to school fulltime. I worked part time during this period. Prior to that I worked fulltime as a retail manager and did graphic design freelance on the side. I also contributed to the household bills and paid a portion of the mortage. Currently I pay for my car insurance, groceries and my own expenses. My hours at work got cut ( I am casual).
Last summer I was able to increase my hrs a little bit. to 30 hrs /week I worked 3 10hr shifts. I have been paying for food, car insurance medical expenses and school expenses on less than 8k/year income. I told my husband i needed more help and he said just put it on your credit card but make sure you pay it off.

I got a cavity and he told me that I was in school and needed to make sacrafices. He didn't go to the dentist when he was working fulltime and going to school fulltime and supportting both of us. He told me I didn't need new glasses. That I shouldn't be getting my hair done. ( he makes over 80k/yr)
I told him I needed help with groceries since it was most of my paycheck. He occasionally helped ( begrudginly) Or would ask me what I spent my money on a if I were some errant child. I now have a 4k in credit card debt. I pay for my own school, gas, car insurance, food, and health bills. I am in therapy weekly. I pay for my dogs vet bills.
My husband refused to combine finances. I told him that household expenses for me regularly exceeded my income and he told me that I was irresponsible with money and incurred debt so quickly that it scared him.

I just graduated from nursing school. I am starting to realize through therapy that i have been possibly emotionally and financially abused/ controlled. I am currently looking for a nursing job. I am questioning my marriage.

I told him that I had no idea that he would treat me like a room mate instead of a partner when I decided to go back to school fulltime. My motivation was to have a flexible schedule as a nurse and raise a family. Instead I am happy that I can be financially independent.

I once ate ramen noodles and cereal all week- because i couldn't afford groceries- and my husband got take out and went to lunch at resturants with coworkers. He stopped eating dinner at home- and stopped 'using the kichen'. Claiming i was the only one who was ' messing it up'. We never eat together.
I am the one to initiate sex. He has called me a nempho because I have a higher sexdrive than him and I am female. He rarley cuddles, or says nice things, even a small holding of the hand- nope!
I told him I am starved for emotional and physical intearction. I feel like our marriage is nonexistant. He is also dismissive of my views in politics, religion, spirtuality. I got him a picture frame for his xmas that said ' soulmates' it was really pretty and I put our wedding picture in there. He said he doesn't want to hang it up and that he doesn't believe in souls.

He told me that beleiving in a higher power was stupid and that I am smarter than that. i have always been agnostic- not completley atheist. I have seen a few people die, and some other life changing events that made me more spiritual.

He told me I am eccentric and weird- that I am lucky that I am hot because no one else would want me ( since i am so weird.

He hates my family.
He supports his father who I recently found out molested his sister. He won't talk to his sister about it. He also insists that our future children have a life that is involved with his father. ( I am dead against this ). Last summer I found this out and also had heart problems. I had depression and rescued a puppy - after begging for one for 5 months I got one in september when my husband rolled his eyes and said fine if it will shut u up - but I am not happy about this. I have always wanted a dog and after 10 years of begging for one it was time ( he got 3 cats and I am allergic to them - bad asthma but god forbid we get rid of them!) He made me give my dog back to the rescue( a tin y little 3 lbs puppy). This was at the begining of my last semester. I was an emotional wreck it was a difficult time in school since I was a senior, and the clinicals were very very stressful. I had a panic attack. I was sobbing I couldn't beleive he would make me give away something that made me so happy just because he thought it smelled and didn't want a 'dirty dog' in his house. She is part poodle and I give her baths every week.

My mom is worrried. Even his own mother noticed that when asked a question I look at him for approval first. I have been told I apologize to him if I laugh at family events. ( he has told me my laugh annoys him). He told me I couldn't have anymore carbs recently.
He won't let me cut my hair, he tells me how to style it and how to dress.
Recently he suggessted I stop eating so I lose some weight.
( I am healthy and working out daily 5'8 and 157lbs- yes I want to loose weight but the healthy way.. ( used to be anorexic in teens)

He owns a lot of guns, and is always into hating something. Muslims, 'asians', now its the govermnent. He has toned it down a bit recently. but sometimes its alittle hard to deal with.
he is very negative. He rarley wants to do activities.
I want to go kayaking, or cook dinner together / even eat togeter, work in the yard, go on weekend trips, even go to the shooting range. - i want to go parasailing, skydiving, or hiking, biking etc. Nope.
He prefers to play video games while life passes him by. I wanted to get apothecary jars for the kitchen as a decorative item- he said no it dones't have utility ( $ it was 5$!) and I wasn't allowed to get it). Despite not having a lot of income I buy flowers for the porch, and do the gardening in the front of the house so it doesn't look like an abadoned wreck. I try to write him love letters I even bring him roses sometimes just ot be romantic or save my money to take him out to dinner.
I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling. I voiced all of my worries and concerns and told him I almost left him 2xs this year to stay with my mom or a friend until school was over since he was stressing me out so much.

I feel really tired of putting so much effort into everything . I feel drained. I am begining to think that staying in this marriage is not a good idea. I am heart broken. Help! What should I do? How do I know if there is financial abuse or emotional abuse going on ?

Wow dominique...you've been holding a lot in for a long time, or so it sounds. I like to see give and take in a relationship but that doesn't always happen. I understand your anguish. Stay or go is a hard question for someone else to answer. I was wondering how long you and your husband have been together.

I'm glad you are in therapy. You need someone there for you to help sort things out. There are many wise and helpful people here on PC. I hope you can find some answers to your questions and some comfort.

Wishing you the best.

Thanks Muser. We've been together for 14 years - since I was 15. Lived together for 8 years, and married for 3 yrs.

You are going through both,more emotional abuse then the other one. Has he allways been that way or did it start when you went back to school and work?

Sorry to hear about everything. I understand what you are going thru. My ex made me feel the same way.

dominique. Maybe hes just tried from college and work and it doesnt make ppl the same when they are exhausted all the time. Tell him what you told us. If that dont work go to counseling. If that dont work i think you know whats next

if more love than hate, there is no abuse. just don't pick anyone off the street I think. relationships aren't available to everyone and this is an issue if "you" are the one who seeks it. I feel having a girlfriend gave me a stable backbone all my life even tho we are currently not seeing each other. Knowing I knew someone that was that special to me and to them was something I can't create with my hands and will forever be the way I live my life I think

I think the link shows that it isnt right that a person does this to another. for years i kept going back bc of such love with this man, but after awhile u got to look at things without being so emotional, in a sense, does love pay the bills? the fact is what you need and what u dont. u need money to live, u need food to eat, but u dont need someone manipulating you no matter how much love there is.

like brainwashing? I think entertainment brainwashes people because of the anxiety to let it go to be yourself again. letting go is a step to independence and self growth. hard work is (you are right) the only way to heal anything in life. feelings or companions.

What happened also to the meeting the right person. I think I may never find them, but it is also dependent on how well you want to form a personal relationship with a person. right you need penang and self esteem, but it is dependent on the moment if you engage or pull back. In my youth I kept to myself and everything always happened for me which, has stunted and depleted my adult search for love, but I have hope that I am a great person with still enough to offer that which I seek.

I can catagorize myself as a loner now, but looking at my past I don't doubt for the future. Things will always get better for everyone, just some people don't see it whenever they go. Patience is a matter of consultation and finding the right person goes as far as you are willing to take it. If you are looking in the wrong places you will know where the right ones are. being alone is very hard though. If you are lucky enough to substitute that for a guidance person, then all you need do is rest on eachothers laurells and it 'will' work out fine.

I have come to understand after 5 years with an controlling man, that there is no changing them. they wont change unless they take a stand to see how they are and try to change..but if it doesnt last for more then a week, and ur back to square 1 again, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE..there is no other solution. These controlling men (and I am sure women too, dont take offense) do it because they know they can, and if u dont accept it, someone else will. I feel sorry for his next victim but I want a better life for myself, dont you?

Em, I would really be thinking second before even considering having children with this man..he supports his father after what he did? I dont know how ur staying, I would not be able to be around a man after finding out this. His views are so negative, has to be very difficult being around a man like this..he is more the abusive, he is cruel and negative. Please be careful..

You are improving your life already when you say you should be independent. doing so is a further step in the right direction and more improvement to add on. leaving a person for your own reasons tho will get you into any trouble that comes along because tough love is a close love you have to appreciate to understand. so if he beats you then I say get the hell outa there, but there 'is' a diff between tough love and abuse. do you remember being a kid and all you wanted to be was that super hero on TV and when you looked at their life in stories and books and such then you would learn how they got to where they are? it was not easy for them and there would have been multitudes that don't make it where they did. if you don't make it is a reason to hold on and keep trying. noone sees your suffering, but people do care.

Thanks for this... I left a marriage less than a year ago and after looking at the wheel I didn't realize how abusive he was in so many other ways besides the physical beatings. I know this sounds strange because I feel like a dope writing it but I am having such a hard time getting over the fact that he felt it was okay to use me and treat me so wrong with no remorse.... I don't know how to move past this. I don't want anything to do with him and haven't since I got a restraining order against him in Feb. but I can't understand why I am so hung up on what I did to put the vibe out there I don't matter...how do I continue to want to achieve anything when I have never meant anything to anybody...how do you go about mattering?