Yes thats where I am now. He is 20 and in prison, his father was and is useless I was egg cook and bottle washer, I took him to all his appts I went to all parents evenings. I could go on and on and on about the things I did for him and his father did nothing.

Yet he does not want me to visit him he wants his dad to. He says I left his father and am keeping the children away from him. This is a lie. He never phones them he never visits unless I take the children to him. I have told my son this with carefully chosen words as I dont want to run his dad down as I know I will be told off about that too.

I cant win ....

I am very unhappy about things.

My mum (his nan) had a phone call this morning in which he ran me down again and she got angry at him told him a few home truths and put the phone down on him, it wont make any difference as he makes his mind up and thats that.

I feel I have given my all to this child for nothing.

I was a good mum I am a good mum. I have six kids five are well adjusted and good kids who love me its just him who has problems and always has from birth. I have given him more than any of my others as he needed more but in return I get hate.

I dread him talking to his older brother about me as I know they will fall out over this.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I was a good mum I am a good mum. I have six kids five are well adjusted and good kids who love me its just him who has problems and always has from birth. I have given him more than any of my others as he needed more but in return I get hate.

I dread him talking to his older brother about me as I know they will fall out over this.

Pardon me I don't don't know your whole story - is this your oldest son from your 1st marriage.

((Tishie)) - so sorry this is a difficult time for you. Sounds like your son is angry and his father(your ex) probably tainted your relationship with your son. I'm sure you were and are a good mother.

[jennaorgana]

hugs from me tishie. kids act strangely no matter what the age. he is probably just as cocnfused as you are.

Yes first marriage.

I left when he was 11 I took him with me he has ADHD ODD OCD poss BPD he is very aggressive and hyperactive. Failure to thrive as well when a child also milk intolerant.

He was with me till he was fifteen when I tried to kill myself not being able to cope with things anymore. He went back to his father but soon was being arrested continually from shop lifting to mugging to fighting anyone and everyone.

During his first prison stay I left to move to the other end of the Country he knows has been told countless times he has a home with me anytime which he refuses to take.

He has spent most of the past four years in prison for which he also now blames me ! I am dumbfounded to be honest.

[lynn P.]

I think he's just looking to blame you, because he's not mature enough to blame himself.

[KathyM]

((((Tishie))))

I don't know what to say, but I feel your pain.

If it wasn't safe for you to be around your husband, you had no other choice. If your husband loved your son, he would make an effort to resolve your differences. He would admit his role in your son's strong emotions and current predicament. If your husband was a strong man, he would have the courage to accompany you to the prison for a visit to vouch for the extreme struggle you had to face as a single mother.

[AAAAA]

(((Tishie))) I KNOW you are a good mother, even to this very difficult child. Even to this day you’re willing to forgive and accept him with open arms, you love him unconditionally.

There are none so blind as he that will not see. This young man is not yet ready to accept responsibility for his actions. It’s so much easier to blame you, someone that he knows loves him unconditionally, than to take a look in the mirror.

He knows full well that if he were to lay the blame on his father’s door, his father would tell him to get stuffed and not give it another thought.

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Someday hopefully a light will go on and he’ll gain some clarity.

[Rohag]

Hi, Tishie. I'm sorry for your pain Somewhere (can't find it now) I read about roughly similar situations in which a child strongly identifies with the absent or remote parent regardless of the nurturing character of the near/present parent. I hesitate to add more because I don't trust my memory of the article (book?).

Creeping senility permitting, I'll pass on better information.

[NuckingFutz]

Hey Tishie, sometimes the hate directed at us is not of our own making. Perhaps working with a therapist familiar with disorders like ODD can help you through this very trying time. My neice has this and has been in therapy since she was five. I hope that other website I mentioned here last fall helps. Safe hugs for you Tishie.

[Rhapsody]

If its not to painful... May I ask what his basic childhood was like growing up?

[billieJ]

Tishie, you are a good mother, and you have done everything you can. Your son has many emotional/mental instabilities. You have given him much, but when we give love from ourselves, it is NEVER for nothing, no matter what the apparent outcome. Please remember that. Your son has a lot of growning up to do. Eventually, he will realize the truth, and you will have a chance to forgive him. Look to that day, and live the rest in the knowledge that the universe is perfectly balanced. If it were not, all the various planets, moons and what have you would go crashing into one another. Please try to be at peace in the knowledge that you have done what you can. When something else presents itself that you can do to resolve this situation, do that, and resume your peace, allowing the situation to work itself out according to divine plan. billieJ

[Typo]

((((((Tishie))))))

I don't know what to say hun, just wanted to stop by and give you a great big hug and my support. For the two years I have been here and ran into you in chat you have been a very very kind and caring person. Please be kind to yourself hun.

Lots and Lots of hugs
Typo

I had had enough and wrote him an email (you can email prisoners now weird hey) telling him all the things I had done for him as a child while he was growing up.

How his father did nothing.

He phoned me up to say he now remembers and is so so sorry for being nasty to me, we had a long talk on the phone and it was all good.

So at last (for a while till he forgets again) things are looking up and I will be going to see him on Saturday the 2nd I think it is any ways a week this Saturday ! I cant wait ! I am really excited about it. We leave on Monday and should arrive at my mums on the Tuesday.

Thank you all for your advice and help I really needed it.

[lynn P.]

((((Tishie)))) - that's fantastic news. WOW - the power of good communication. I'm so happy your email had a positive impact.

[AAAAA]

Ah Tish, that's great news! Perhaps he's growing up.

We can but hope ....

[englishteacher]

((((Tishie)))) That's lovely news! Sending you good vibes and thoughts for that visit!

[jennaorgana]

i was just thinking about you tishie. lots of hugs from me

Hope it works out for the best.

My mum (his nan) went to see him and his brother (my oldest child) on Thurs, mum told me today that he is very positive about us meeting next Saturday and really really looking forward to it so I am happy.

We leave here (the north of Scotland) for London on Monday afternoon and should arrive Tuesday morning, we are driving with four children two adults and a dog wish us luck ! lol.

Will spend a few days with my mum then see Christian on Saturday which will be grand ....

I will let you all know how we got on.

I am hoping eventually to get him to go back to seeing a shrink as he saw one from age 7 to 14 then long story wont bore you but he didnt go anymore.

He has lots of mental health issues which really need to be addressed and possibly medicated.