Question

How do you know when you're asking too much from your partner?

Tonight I was feeling really lonely and depressed, and I needed comfort and love from my boyfriend. He's a morning person and I'm a night person. He fell asleep on the phone, and I started to get upset. He did eventually wake up and told me to "Stop whining" in kind of a mean tone. I interpreted the whole thing to mean that he didn't care that I was upset, didn't want to help me, only wanted to go to sleep. This all happened around 12:30.

I used to be worse about picking fights after he fell asleep, but since they put me on Prozac, I've been doing a lot better. This was the first one since they put me on prozac, a little more than two weeks. I also felt like this was completely different from before prozac -- i wasn't mad, I was simply sad and lonely, and needed comfort, and then really hurt when he got mad at me for whining.

Is it wrong for me to expect comfort from my boyfriend? Am I too demanding? What should I be doing differently? Should I learn to deal with my pain and emotions by myself?

I am in therapy.

What do you all do when you need emotional help at night?

Thanks ahead of time for your time and help.

I don't know the answer to this but there is always people here on PC who can help at anytime of the day - a few are up most of the night (well I'm in Australia and it seems that way)

(((romansunburn))) So glad youre feeling better on the prozac. You are not whining when you ask for comfort, you are expressing a deep need. Its not wrong for you to expect comfort from your bf. You would comfort him if he needed it. Men want to be the rescuers and protectors of the woman they care about, your bf may be frustrated with himself that he has not been able to do this for you. No, you should not have to deal with your pain and emotions alone. I glad to hear that you are in therapy. I hope it helps you sort things out. Be well and keep reaching out.

Have the two of you talked about what appears to be an ongoing issue? Do you believe your friend as a general rule does not care if you are upset and sleeping is more important than wanting to help you? Does he often imply or state you are whiny?

Good luck in working through this.

We've tried to talk about it, but we can't really come up with an answer... It's not that he doesn't care about me or that he doesn't want to help me when I am upset... He simply has a life of his own that he needs to take care of first, such as getting enough sleep to go to work the next day. I realize I need to be less dependent on him. But I wonder where the line between being dependent and simply needing help is and at what point I'm asking too much from my boyfriend.

What would have happened if he would have told you that he was sorry, but he was exhausted and had to go? I think the “stop whining” comment was on the rude side. This is really a tough situation.

On the one hand, our loved ones are supposed to be there for us when we need it. Even if all they can do is listen.

On the other hand, life still goes on while we’re in crisis. They still have jobs and responsibilities they have to attend to. They have their own health to think of as well.

I think what I would have done differently is simply hang up the phone when he fell asleep. He physically just didn’t have it in him to give you that extra attention you needed at that time. Sometimes we do have to deal with our issues on our own. I’m a night owl myself, when I’m having a rough night I come here. I also have a friend that is a night owl and if I’m having an especially bad night I’ll shoot her a text saying “bad night, if you’re up, call me.”

You remind me of myself. I know how you feel when you feel that loneliness.
Although I'm not one to judge, here's what I have in mind for you:
Love is a commitment, an emotional, mental, and physical investment into another human being. You form a partnership, trudging through obstacles together as you both sojourn towards the end of your road of happiness together ultimately when you both part from this world.
Getting through obstacles and issues and working to solve problems together.
If either of you ever counted on the other, more than rarely, to do something or another, I guarantee neither of you would or could do it, simply because you just wouldn't, which would incidentally create problems, and you know the rest.
Think about what makes him happy too, but remember that you should never sacrifice yourself for anyone else completely.I know..nothing truly good can ever be attained or obtained without sacrifice, but make sure you don't sacrifice yourself, instead, sacrifice a bit of time or something that you do a lot and do it less or something like that. Don't sacrifice who are you, but instead compromise on the little things, the little things add up to big things in the grander view of this picture.

this sounds like a tough situation. i can understand your boyfriend being really tired because he is a morning person, but to say "stop whining" seems kind of rude. i think it would be more helpful if he just told you he's extremely tired and got off the phone rather than falling asleep on you. you need to schedule your crises earlier in the evening.

i don't know if this would appeal to you at all but i call a prayer line. it's 1.800.4.PRAYER. they are there 24/7. they really are wonderful and compassionate and they do hear from God if you're into that sort of thing. it's a christian group and they will ask you if you are a believer, but if you tell them no you're not ready to make a decision but could you still have prayer i'm sure they would. i'm sure they'd be more than willing to pray for peace or anything else for you.

((((((((((((((Ro Ro)))))))))))))))

I dont' know an answer to tell you, since i struggle a lot with the same issue, heh maybe we will find the answers and share someday

I know what I do though when I'm feeling down and I know partner can't be there at the moment, I come here, or text a friend that may be up at that hour, if I can't get ahold of anyone I put in a movie (usually finding nemo it's my happy movie) curl up in bed with my little stuffed ox and focus on the movie, makes me feel less alone and helps me get through that moment.

Sending many peaceful thoughts to you
Typo aka po po

Thanks so much for all of your replies. It really has helped me feel less like a horrible, overly needy girlfriend.

I have discussed, both with my boyfriend and my therapist, that it would be best when I'm upset to simply get off the phone. The reason I didn't this time was because it felt so different than other times. I used to get really angry and irritated, and I could tell I was picking needless fights simply to vent frustration. This time, I was just lonely and wanted to be near someone. But I agree, getting off the phone would still have been best for our relationship.

I like Typo's suggestion of watching a movie, and I will probably start doing that. Last night, I actually flipped through a large picture book of baby animals, and, while it didn't make me feel less lonely, it did at least raise my mood a little.

I have been coming to PC a lot more recently to try and deal with the loneliness. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and my second pdoc appointment on Friday. I will talk to them both about this new issue.

My boyfriend and I are back to normal, yet I'm still not sure a solution has been reached for what to do in the future. Basically, I will just have to find other outlets at night (like the movie and picture book). It's hard, cause I don't have many friends. Even less that know about my depression.

Thanks again for all your help! You've all made me feel much better on several different levels.

,

Ro

You sound a lot like me.

I live with my bf, but it seems he is always preoccupied with work and his mates (Who are also work colleagues) and I manage to feel terrbily lonliness, even if I'm sitting right next to him. He is not the most emotional person, and getting the message about how i feel across to him is really not easy.
And all I yearn for is some understanding and sympathy, someone to hold and love me and say a word to make me feel better.

Lonliness and insecurity is so hard to deal with - ask me. It's one of the reasons I am really considering going to see my psychologist again, I feel meds are only part of the solution

Good luck with the meetings, RomanSunburn. It appears you are close to a manageable solution.