I just realized

Gessh, 4 am, I am watching a movie.. AJ strolls down stairs. I am pretty zoned into the movie, not paying much attention to him... He asks where is the spaghetti sauce.. I told him his dad brought some groceries and I made his dad a "huge" plate of spaghetti. The guy was hungry.. He chowed down the spaghetti in no time. AJ said why are you making up stories.. What! I am not making up stories.. Your dad ate the spaghetti.. And AJ went on and on and I murmered, ok I know I should not have said this, but I did, "geesh psycho".. and AJ flipped..

He said don't you ever say that again. I can hurt you more than you know. I said you can't hurt me any more..You have already done a good job hurting me.. So I zone back to the movie and out of the corner of my eye I saw AJ grab the dog food dishes and was going to throw them.. Since I did not feed into his "anger".. He put the dog dishes back on the floor and made something to eat...

And I might add, leaving the kitchen a total mess.. Anyway, I just realized that AJ "wants me to be afraid of him".....Thinking this has to be a "control" issue.. Along with his abusive ways...He can be soooo nice and yet he can be the devil...What a combo....Guess the bottom line is he wants me to be afraid of him..

I also realized that I am starting to "numb" out again.. And I bet tomorrow I will even forget what I am feeling this morning...Thinking not only do I zone into watching movies, I must be zoning out to what goes on here..Maybe I am zoning into the "Pollyanna" mode.. Ha! I am zoning into something, whatever it is, because things change so much here, I wake up, and say woooooo, what the hell, and then wham, I am gone.. Ha! Thinks I like being gone much more than "waking up".. ha

Since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, I write here. I try talking to AJ's dad, but he gets toooo upset and to be honest, he really doesn't need any more stress...Poor guy has more than enough on his plate.. And this stuff with AJ.. Maybe I am over sensitive. Maybe I let little things get to me..Maybe I make mts out of mole hills.. Maybe just maybe I just need to zone out all the time...

.....I feel so guilty writing these awful things about AJ. Makes him look really bad and that is not my intentions..I don't know what makes him rage at me. I don't understand..He can be as nice as he can be ugly... shrugs da shoulders..He has lots of good qualities....he don't be l00 percent bad..sometimes I like him.... right now I don't......

I am not writing this for responses. I just need to say what is happening with me. And da stuff that happens here..I really do need to do a blog. A blog can't be that hard. And I can rant all I want without such a public display....Definately going to check into blogs tomorrow....

Off to happy, sleepy land for now.......

AJ has some serious issues. He only thinks of himself and expects someone else to fix the messes he gets into. He needs to finally, FINALLY, realize there are consequences for his actions. Who will bail him out when you and his Dad are gone?

Yes, you are oh so right.. AJ only thinks of himself...And there is no one to bail him out of any situation when his dad and I are gone...Sad, tho, then it will be too late for him to wise up as to what he is doing to me and in may ways, the way he is using his dad... very sad indeed...

I don't know how to respond to all of this anymore.. I am thinking that all of this isn't just about AJ.. I, too, have some issues with depression, according to the depression tests. But if I was as bad as these tests results, I'd think I'd be in bed all the time.. Anyway, I have other issues, anxiety, and I don't go beyond the yard, which is an improvement, because for several years I did not even go outdoors...SO with him venting his anger at me, throws me back l00 steps.. Because I force myself to do things, it isn't easy for me sometimes.. So I am not dealing all that well with his "attitude"... We both probably have issues.. I am atleast working on mine..or trying to........ Can't say that for AJ...

He knows better to talk to his dad the way he does me.. He knows what he is doing.. He knows how hurtful he can be.. He admits he is a jerk towards me.. yadayada...

I've got to pull myself together and stop letting AJ walk all over me. Everything is too overwhelming now.

AJ knows there are consequences for his actions...I think we are at fault..AJ's dad is financially bailing out AJ.. Guess my "bailing out" is doing the required chores to maintain this house...I don't know why we are doing this... I do know we need to stop doing what we do..........I don't know what our excuses are... AJ knows what to do, he just won't do it..

I am talking in circles now...Thanks for understanding .. Everything is such a mess...Something has to be done...that is for sure.........and it is clear I am not doing what I need to do to make this situation better..

I just remembered that when I was 18, I was staying with my sisters and her husband. I was a "teen" bride and mother. Marriage lasted a year if that and my sister invited me to stay with her.. Somehow I went back to school and got my diploma.. I also worked two jobs after school to save money for a car.. I bought my first car, a blue Hornet.. After I finished high school, I found a full time "office" job..

While staying with my sister and her husband, I went to school, worked two job,s and helped with all of the household chores. Babysat my sis's kids.. Did not cook but every night I cleaned the kitchen and washed the dinner dishes every evening.. I did not date, although my sis's hubby was a cop, so he'd be fixing me up with single cops. Since I wasn't "hot to trot" or "easy" they moved on...

ANYway, the office i worked in had a Halloween party.. This was way back in the early 70's when pot was in. So the weed was passed around, which I did not take any, I did drink way too much.. Was plastered.. either fell asleep or passed out. Got home the following morning and went to bed.. my sis said "you are not sleeping in, there are chores to do... I like said wooooooo... I am outta here... Packed my bags, stayed in a hotel for a few weeks/ Found a basement apartment to rent and the rest is history.. lol.. all my mistakes...

But life is so different now.... so hard...... so much violence... harder to get on one's feet.......Although I did it at l9, it really wasn't that hard then.. I never resented my sister. I felt good being on my own... I did not come from a family of abundance. I expected nothing from my family...

The point is, I did it.. Not that I am all that great... It was just life.. What is expected for one to survive... Forgot what the point I was trying to get at .. geeshhhh

Love yourself, radio_flyer. Be well.

I don't know your entire situation hon but my son was like that in some ways. he did not want to work or anything else really. layed around the house while I worked, came home cooked and cleaned. one day he did something really bad and I got mad and kicked him out. he was 18. it broke my heart but I could not handle it anymore. I bought him a one way ticket to ohio. he is now 33 and doing so great! just bought his first home. guess what I am saying is sometimes we have to practice tough love and make them grow up. today he thanks me for it. he is a good man with a big heart. hang in there hon.

That is really good advice... And things around here are pretty bad... AJ does nothing. Even the female tenant is complaining because he parties all hours of the night and she can't sleep from the noise.. She works and can't be up all night listening to the "drunks" playing all night.

Echo's posted a good thread on adult children. Pretty much said what you said, was to "kick him out".... In this case, it would be kicking him out of his own house.. He doesn't help with maintenance let alone daily or weekly chores.. He isn't working.. Although he goes back to school in June to finish two classes for a degree. Not sure what it is in, just something about computers... All he does is sleep, lay on the sofa and drink and party...... I am embarrassed to even say he is 29....

He suckered me out of $35 last night. He promised to pay me back today.. When I went to collect he threw a soda at me.. Splashed soda all over my sweats.. Been after him for almost a month to add the oil to the gas for the weed eater.. He can't even do that, let alone bring the garbage cans up from the end of the driveway......

These are only a few things I've mentioned..... There is a lot more.... Things are looking grim... He has pushed way over the limits... And I am truely believing the only alternative is to give him 30 days to move out...He is going to have to walk I guess because his car is at a garage for repairs.. I think he spent the money his dad gave him for the parts for his car.. So the car sits.. told him he needs to get it towed back to the house, because the garage is going to start charing him for storing the car.. All he does is flip out ....

I am pretty sure that if he spent the money for the parts for his car, his dad will flip out..... and when daddy flips out, look out.... because he will tell AJ to leave......AJ is using his dad's truck for a few days and his dad wants his truck back... sooooo I am sure the volcano will explode......the valcano being his dad........ and trust me, when his dad explodes, it isn't pretty.........................
hugggssss...