[Yoda]

When I was six, seven, eight, nine, ten years old my uncle (mother's brother) sexually assaulted me. She invited him to spend time at our house in summers because his familiy lived in poverty and she wanted to give him opportunity.

She did not know I was assaulted until I was forty-one years old and my then BF was angry at me and called my mom on the telephone and told her. I was at mom's house where we were having a party for children. She walked into the room after the phone call and asked me if it was true. I said yes. She said, well how far up did he stick it. I wanted to sink into the floor because aunts and children were in the room. Then she said I think your father did it. Parents are divorced and mum still has anger issues and wants me to side with her.

I had been staying with mum for three months preceding this conversation. I moved back in with my violent BF that day because I could not deal with her. blah blah blah I later killed BF in self defense. Had major PTSD. blah blah blah

PTSD from BF is better. I have not mentioned the sexual assault to my mom since then. But she at times will invite me for dinner and will invite my uncle too and she doesn't tell me. I don't know until I get there and I pretend nothing ever happened.

I am tired of pretending.

Mom invited me for Easter dinner a week ago. Today she mentions that she isn't sure if uncle's wife will be able to attend because her mom is sick. I said you invited ----. Yes.

Tomorrow we are supposed to eat at 2pm. I am going to call and ask if my uncle has left yet around 2:30 and I expect he will be there. I am going to say, I don't want to keep pretending that nothing ever happened. Call me when he is gone and I will come up to eat leftovers then. I don't want to talk about it because you don't believe me anyway. If you want to know what happened ask him.

What do you think might happen? Is this a good plan? Do you have a different idea?

If your Mother does not believe you and insists on inviting your abuser, the accommodation you make is more than reasonable. Frankly, I think it is very unfortunate that you must deal with this man in any fashion let alone because of your Mother's doing.

[Catherine2]

Yoda...
It is a healthy decision for you to set boundaries on your Mother and her actions.
Jmo, but you have put up with her disrespect for a very long time.
I believe your refusal to keep pretending is a giant step in taking care of yourself...and realizing that you are a worthwhile human being.
Akin to saying, "I will no longer allow you to treat me this way."

You are being fair, Yoda, in what you plan on doing tomorrow.
If by any chance he has not left yet; leave. Don't explain...walk out of there with your head held high.
Be consistent and she will realize you are not coming to family events when your abuser is there. An alternate plan like you suggested re coming later for leftovers is a valid one.

Best wishes...

Catherine

[lynn P.]

((Yoda)) - first let me say how sorry I am, this happened to you. I find it very maddening the way your mother responded when you told. I can't imagine not supporting my child like that I think you're right in not wanting to be around him.

My BIL tried to assault me when I was 13 and I remember hating him and gritting my teeth when ever I had to be around him. Both my older brothers were assaulted by my mothers brother when they were young. I have a feeling my 1 brother told my mother when I was 6 because, all of a sudden he just left town and was never heard from again. I think my mother basically ran him out of town.

It makes me so sad, that this is, an all too common occurence. It's the main reason, I won't dare trust my girls around anyone. I've taught them it's fine to be rude even to family and friends if they feel threatened in that way. Do what ever you need to do, to make yourself feel safe Yoda. You don't even have to go at all if you don't want to.

[scribbling2much]

Myself, I would leave if the uncle showed up.
It just seems like self-torture to be in the same room.
I've seen that Mom's go into denial, because if anything bad happened to their kid, the think it would be their fault, the relationship dynamics are outrageous, and not healthy to have to be around.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by scribbling2much

I've seen that Mom's go into denial, because if anything bad happened to their kid, the think it would be their fault, the relationship dynamics are outrageous, and not healthy to have to be around.

That is what I am thinking. She cannot accept that she put her child into this situation therefore it did not happen. I don't know how my new defiance is going to affect my relationship with my mother and my sisters that live with her. I can't fix them. I'm having a heck of a time trying to fix myself.

[Ft1980]

If you know you are in the right, you really shouldn't hold back. Do what I would do and let it all out and just before anyone speaks say something that will make them feel guilty!~!

[Ft1980]

You should do what I would do and let it all out, them before anyone says anything say something to make them guilty!~!

[dfh932]

((((((((((yoda))))))))))))
I havent posted in this forum much. nice to meet you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I would not go there if he is there ! !!! i agree with you, and you should not be around that man, no way. If mom can't accept it and allows him to come around like that, then she can spend time with him. Not fair.
You deserve to feel safe there. They might not like it right away, but they will deal with it with time. it's better to have boundaries and stand up for yourself and let them decide how they are going to react.
If he is going to get to do what he wants now, so do you.

[Yoda]

So I called my mom on the day we were to have dinner and asked if my uncle was there. She said no but he would probably stop by later in the day for leftovers. I told my mom I was uncomfortable when he was there because I felt like I had to pretend he never sexually assaulted me. She said, that really happened? I said yes. She said I thought you were making a joke when you said that happened. A joke? I said no remember when my BF was angry at me and he called you on the phone and told you your brother had assaulted me when I was young. She said no that isn't what happened. I said don't you remember denying it in front of children and my aunts at my cousin's bday party but that is not how she remembers it.

So whatever. My son and I went to her house and ate and a few hours later my uncle came up the driveway to get some food and I went upstairs to avoid seeing him. He was only there about ten minutes or so and then my sister yelled from the bottom of the stairs, all clear. I wonder what my mom said to my sister. Nobody asked so I did not bring the subject up. I don't really want to discuss it with them just want them to respect me enough to not force me to see him.

One of these days it would be interesting to see how my mom recalls it all. I can't believe she thinks I would make a joke about something like sexual assault.

[jenkins09]

I think it is in very poor taste that your mom even invited him, let alone stays in contact with him. If someone ever abused my child in that way, there would be hell to pay.

Keep your head up.

Sorry your Mom has such a selective memory, yoda.

Be well.

[50guy]

Good for you......stick to the facts and don't back down. It was very brave of you to handle things the way you have.

[Ft1980]

ALways stand by your guns. It really works.

Also what they said. yup!

[Tatyana2009]

Hi Yoda,

Reading your posts I think there is more than one issue.

One - the abuse from your uncle
two - the relationship with your mom and her abuse
three - your own boundaries and self esteem.

They are all complex and I think once you focus on the third one the other two will loose their strength of impact.

I think it is very significant that your mother is denying your reality. To me - she is not a mother. Forgive me. Mothers protect and believe their kids. Why is she still in contact with your uncle... I am so sorry. It must hurt so much. I do not think she has a selective memory. I think she deepens the abuse and in that way coludes with him. I would be very angry if my mom wont believe me on something like that and wont do everything to protect me. But then again - I would have told her straight away that this is happening... I am not criticising you. I am criticising her. And I think when you work on your boundaries maybe think of them also in contex of your mom.

I do not think being anywhere near your uncle, even in the same house when he is in another room, is a good idea. Please stay safe and look after yourself.

[NuckingFutz]

Anyone who messes with someone who has killed in self defense before is playing with fire.

so not only has your uncle abused you...... Your mom is now mentally abusing you and playing games. It's like she's purposely putting you together in the same room to see what will happen.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Anyone who messes with someone who has killed in self defense before is playing with fire.

You would think so. After I shot my abusive BF I had two neighbors tell me at different times that they would like to rape me. WTF? No wonder I prefer to be with my horse more than people. I am beginning to think the horse is smarter than most people I meet.

How tragic people say and do such hurtful things.