[BlueHen]

Our (my wife's and my) dearest couple friends ("Husband" and "Wife") who have been like family to us for 30 years are splitting up. Husband had multiple affairs and has now fallen in love with another woman. We are devastated as is Wife. She is a wonderful woman. My therapist (who herself left her husband of 46 years) opined that I am being judgmental in my disappointment and criticism of Husband, who confided in me about the other woman and has not yet told Wife. Wife wants to go for counseling despite his multiple affairs and doesn't know it doesn't have a chance because of other woman. I would love not to be judgmental as I love them both. Am I "wrong" to be upset with Husband? Therapist tells me I don't know their marriage but I do know them both very well -- even though I did not know about the affairs. Isn't there a fine line between "judgmental" and "caring." I personally think that one of the problems with society is that anything goes, there is too little shame. What do others think?

[NuckingFutz]

I do not think you are being judgemental from the post yot wrote at all these are your reactions and feelings which are to be honored.

[salukigirl]

It's hard to tell what is being judgmental and what is just having an opinion. You are allowed to think and feel whatever you want. It is absolutely terrible for anyone to continue a marriage and string a person along when they are blatantly in love with another person. I would judge him up and down all day long. I think it becomes a problem when you put yourself into the situation without being asked. And intentions have a lot to do with it. Are you thinking and saying these things literally because you think it's horrible or to maybe cover up problems in your own marriage? Like if I see a girl that is dressed like a total floosy, before I say anything I think to myself "am I saying this because I really think it is inappropriate? or am I saying it because I wish I could do that or wish I looked like that? I think when you find the answer to WHY you're saying it, that's your answer to whether it's wrong or not.

And as for your therapist - just say "I'm not paying 100 bucks an hour to hear YOU talk!" lol

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by BlueHen

Husband, who confided in me about the other woman and has not yet told Wife.

I think it is very wrong that the Husband has confided in you something he has not told the wife yet and is expecting you to keep his secret for him. He's splitting your loyalty between him and his wife. Yuck. He's placed you in a very awkward position. How is his wife going to feel when she knows you knew about this other woman when she didn't? He is not being a good friend. I would tell him I don't want to be his confidante anymore.

I would support both of them in efforts to go to counseling. They need it. The marriage therapist can help them, even if they end up splitting up. My former husband and I went to couples therapy for quite some time after we decided to split up and it was very helpful. Just because you decide to divorce doesn't help with the pain, and a therapist can help with that. I think the therapist, if he/she is any good, will quickly realize the H does not want to stay in the marriage and will get to the heart of the issue and help the H tell the wife what he needs to, and maybe in a way that can promote some healing. The therapist can also be a support for the wife when she realizes this is the end of the relationship (if this is what happens).

My thought is the husband is a philandering jackass. How likely would it be that the wife would want counseling if she knew the latest round of hormonal injections? I would tell the therapist her judgment is not worth a spit in the wind.

My thought is to tell the wife to hire a good lawyer.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

My thought is to tell the wife to hire a good lawyer.

I agree on that. Even if she hasn't decided for sure to get a divorce, it is good to have the relationship with the lawyer in place just in case they move forward on splitting. She can get some initial legal advice about her options, etc., and help head off any negative legal consequences such as if she gets fed up and decides to move out of their house. (You should never leave the house, unless it is for safety reasons, as it can have legal ramifications.) The lawyer can help her be prepared for all eventualities... just in case. Meanwhile the therapist can help with the emotional stuff. Even if she and her H don't see a marriage counselor together, she might consider seeing a therapist on her own.

Best of luck to your friends, BlueHen, and I hope you can extricate yourself from this difficult position the H has put you in.

[BlueHen]

I like what you have said. I did send her to a lawyer immediately. I do think we are judgmental to convince ourselves that we are right and to prevent ourselves from taking the same inappropriate action. I also think my therapist is wrong on this one -- and too harsh. But I still love her and respect her (see, I am not judgmental!). Many thanks to all of you.

I recognize I was blatantly judgmental and apologize to anyone I offended.