[grace02]

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years turned my life upside down a month ago, when he announced that his ex-wife wanted to try to make their relationship work again after being divorced 5 years. I guess neither one of them really ever completely closed the door on their relationship. But he and I were very close, we were about to move in together and everything was going great with us. I was( am) so in love with this man and had complete trust in him. I am still reeling from the shock, it happened completely unexpectedly.
I am grieving, big time, and still trying to come to grips with what happened. He tells me still loves me and that he doesnt want to lose me. We cried together and he begged me not to turn my back on him.
He still calls and we have seen each other a few times (no sexual contact) but as time goes on, I realize more and more how wrong it was, what he did. It was like he wanted to look into the possibilty of making it work with his ex ( although they had a very dysfunctional marriage) but didn't want me to go away. I am the one who has had to draw the line and tell him we can not be hanging out together (even as "friends") right now.
I refuse to be in a triangle or share him with anyone.
I don't think he is deliberately trying to have both of us, but he just doesn't want to lose me either.
Well after a great deal of pain and grief and complete shock at what he did....he basically ruined what was a really great relationship between us...because things can never be the same again....I am starting to see things more relaistically and I see that I need to stop talking to him and seeing him altogether and I need to own the fact that what he did was really callous even though he tries to sugar coat it.
I am in counseling and it's helping me to look at the situation more objectively, but the pain is still so intense....I miss what we had so badly.
I alternate between longing to be with him and being really disgusted with him for being so selfish and callous of my feelings.
I have decided to stop pretty much all contact and get on with my life. He says he knows we will get back together, he calls, etc....and I am seeing more and more that I am allowing him to treat me with disrespect by continuing to communicate and spend time with him. I am working on letting go, and I told him that. It has been a month of complete emotional hell and I know I still have a long way to go before I heal from this.
I feel like, I had placed so much trust in him and he let me down so badly, that I am just sick to death of investing in relationships, they always come to a bad end for me. I don't know if I have it in me to do this again, ever.

[JohnShaft]

I would certainly say do not be a part of a triangle. If he wants to go to his ex-wife, then let him go. This will probably be terribly difficult, but it can't be both ways. I hate to say if he chooses to be with her, I don't think you can ever be a part of that life. Boy I hate to say that, loosing some one is so incredibly difficult.

Please though, don't give up on relationships. I know a woman at my workplace that just did this to a man she was dating, so it works both ways. This can happen to anyone.

[kimmydawn]

grace,

hi and welcome. first, i would like to say that i'm so sorry about what happened. i'm sorrier for his actions after the fact.

all thru your post, i thought, "wow, what healthy thinking despite her obvious pain!". you have such good clarity on who you are and what you will not accept. what a gift!

i wouldn't communicate with him no more. his statement about knowing you'll get back together...ugh! how disrespecful and conceited. he wants his cake and eat it too. i wouldn't give him the pleasure of hearing my phone ring again. i'd change my number!

again, i'm so sorry for your pain. i think you're doing such a good job at working for healing.

be safe, and i wish you the best.

please keep us posted?

kd

[eskielover]

Grace,

You do sound like you have thought through your situation very well despite how close you were with him. You sound like you are in touch with your feelings about the relationship even though you "loved" him.

Above all, take care of yourself & like you said, don't get involved in a triangle relationship. At this point, I don't think a friendship would ever work no matter how bad he wants to. I know it hurts to let go of something you had, but realizing that it isn't there anymore is helping you get through this too & not wanting to be treated like this.

Keep up the strong thinking. You will be successful & there will be someone that may come from out of nowhere that is just right for you,
Debbie

[Artist]

Hang in there. You need to stay strong. You have a lot of support here. You must do what is right for you. He made a choice. He has to live with that choice. He can not have it both ways. if he really loved you. He would not be hurting you like this. It sounds more like he is stroking his own ego. He is more in love with himself then you or his ex. Tell him goodbye and to never contact you again. If he had any feeling for you at all then he should understand that by getting in touch with you he is hurting you.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Grace,
People here really tell it like it is! You definitely deserve better consideration of your feelings, no matter how much he proclaims he loves you. He has put you thru hell in this and I agree with the other opinions here that you can't be part of a triangle. I know you love him, but his actions have caused you intense pain.
I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, and I am impressed with your clarity of thinking, despite how hurt you are feeling. You are a strong woman, and he is the loser in this situation.
Loving thoughts,
Seeker "Patty"