[peaches100]

I did something last night and am trying to figure out if i was wrong in doing so. It's a long story, but i'll try to be brief.

When i was 8 years old, i suffered SA from a neighbor. One of my good friends was often with me when we visited his home. I don't remember if she was ever with me at the time the SA happened because i also went to see him alone. But i know we went there together sometimes.

When i broke down a few years ago, part of it was due to this SA. Because i can only remember bits and pieces of it, and because he is now dead, i have had no way to get the full picture of what happened, or to get closure. Because of this, i called my old childhood friend a few years ago when i started dealing with the memories. We hadn't been in contact for almost 20 years. . .but she had been a good friend I'd kept in touch with from 1st grade until early adulthood (she even flew out to be at my wedding). I was hoping that by contacting her about this, i could get some support and validation for what happened to me (and possibly us), and maybe even a few more pieces to the puzzle that i may not remember.

Well, my old friend blew me off. She told me that she didn't remember ever even going with me to visit this neighbor as a child. There was one other friend of mine who also went with me (a mutual friend of hers), so i asked her if she would find out if this friend recalled anything. She said she would talk to her and call me back. She never did. So i called her. When i did, she said my other friend also claimed not to remember ever going to see this guy. Shortly after saying this, my old friend said she was moving the next day. When i asked if she would give me her new address, she claimed not to know the address yet. I asked her to please get in touch with me once she got moved, and she said she would. She didn't. I felt really disappointed and hurt because she had been such a good friend, and i thought she would be honest with me and support me, not deny it and try to get rid of me.

Fast forward to last night.

I was looking at some Facebook pages, and i suddenly thought of this old friend. I wondered if she had a Facebook page, so i typed her name in. Yes, there was her picture. She had a page, and there was also a button to send her a message. Seeing her page brought back all the memories of our childhood days, the good times, and also the SA and the deep hurt i felt when i reached out to her and she blew me off. So i sent her a message. In it, i mentioned the good times first, but then i told her how, a few years ago, when i called her about our visits to Mr. * and how i was struggling, that she really hurt me by not supporting me and brushing me off, never to contact me again. I told her that i wasn't wanting an apology or explanation, but that when i saw her Facebook page, i just had to tell her what was in my heart. I also told her that i was still struggling with what happened with Mr. H, and that if she searched her heart and found that she remembered anything about those days, to please contact me. I gave my snail mail address. I closed by telling her that i cherished the years we were friends, and that i always would.

This morning, when i told my husband that i'd sent my old friend this message, he told me i did the wrong thing. He said i should have left it alone, and not tried to force my friend to think/talk about it. He told me maybe she had forgotten about it for a good reason and wouldn't be able to handle it. He even asked me, "How would you feel if, after reading your message, it brought back a bunch of crap for her and you found out she then committed suicide?"

When i told him that i thought my friend did the wrong thing by blowing me off, he told me i expected too much from people and always have. He said i expect a loyalty that for most people just isn't there. He said my old friend did not have any obligation to help me, that i should have just accepted it and let it go. I objected and told him that if one of my old friends called me crying because she was remembering some abuse from our childhood, i would never deny or make excuses to get her off the phone. The only right thing to me would be to help her, he referred to my emotional/mental problems (BPD traits), saying that yes, i would do that, but it is because my emotions are exaggerated. In other words, that i am not like most people, and i have to accept that most people are not like me. They don't feel the level of loyalty that i do toward friends, that they are mainly driven by self interest, and that if it takes blowing off a friend to protect themselves from bad memories, they will do it.

I feel confused. Was i expecting too much from my old friend? Was i wrong to bring up our visits to Mr. * and to ask for her support? Was I also wrong yesterday to email her and tell how i was hurt by her actions?

I don't understand. I don't feel like i expect too much from people. But i do admit that there are often times when i see people saying and doing things that i would never dream of doing. . .things that seem selfish or heartless to me. I feel like i am only expecting people to do the right thing, the compassionate thing. Am i wrong???

[peaches100]

PS - I sent a brief email to my old friend this morning, apologizing for the one i sent last night. I told her that the experiences with Mr. * were something i needed to work out, and that i should not have dug it all up for her, that it sounds like she has gotten past it or forgotten about it and moved on.

I feel sad though. I don't understand why what i did was so wrong. i just wanted support from my friend.

Sounds like your husband is one wonderful guy.

[Perna]

You didn't do the "wrong" thing; you did what you thought was best for you, at the time! That is different from what your husband might have done but your husband is not you. "Wrong" is often an unhelpful judgment rather than something we can use; although, your husband's using it did get you to post here, and that's good :-)

I have the exact same girlfriend :-) from childhood; we were inseparable and I moved away in 4th grade. When I moved back in 11th grade (after going to the same summer camp she had been going to the summer before 11th and being blown off by her there) we got together once and I tried to talk about our early times/memories and she said she did not remember them. I believed her! She acted like she didn't.

Lots of people literally don't remember and some people don't want to remember or even try to remember. None of those scenarios is "wrong" anymore than remembering is right/wrong.

I think it was okay that you wrote her a note; it was about "You" and who you are and telling her you wish she'd helped you, etc. is not wrong and she can keep not responding to you, not wanting to remain in contact with you; that's her perogative. Friendships can/do end just like any other relationship and they can be mutually ended or one-sided, etc.

But I wouldn't worry about what you did/said to your friend on Facebook. It sounds very legit and about you and your concerns and that's always okay to talk about! However, the other person doesn't have to respond and that's okay too. However, if she does not respond, then I wouldn't continue to write her as you've had your say, you said it well (I believe :-) and continuance would be imposing on the other at this point if they don't wish to continue the friendship with you.

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by peaches100

PS - I sent a brief email to my old friend this morning, apologizing for the one i sent last night. I told her that the experiences with Mr. * were something i needed to work out, and that i should not have dug it all up for her, that it sounds like she has gotten past it or forgotten about it and moved on.

I feel sad though. I don't understand why what i did was so wrong. i just wanted support from my friend.

You sound much like I am. I relentlessly see the good in people, despite that it simply is very difficult to find in other's anymore. (Well, more often than not, anyway, the good is hard to find). It's taken me years to come to the realization that many simply are self-absorbed to the point they'd rather not attend to the support of other's during their time of need. That realization hasn't changed me, it's only taught me how to be more selective and aware of others..a means of self-preservation, so to speak.

I don't think that by contacting your friend the first time for support was out of conduct, (how were you to know how she felt as she never told you she didn't want anything to do with it?).
Although by her telling you that she didn't recall any of it could have been read as the same as telling you she wanted nothing to do with it...and maybe it should have been left there.
She could have made it easy for the both of you by directly telling you that she wanted no part of the memory, however, maybe she honestly didn't remember. It's hard to say, really. Still, what little she did provide you, (by passing it off as having no recollections), was indication enough that she wanted no part of it. (I would have had a hard time understanding her exactness, some, too).

I'm sorry that this left you feeling so alone and abandoned in this.
I think you did the right thing by sending her that email with apology. IMO, that (should) correct this matter ...for the both of you.

You have done nothing "wrong". Try not to ride yourself over this. You sought support from someone who either wasn't capable or was unwilling to provide.
How this ended for you (regarding her), is not a matter of blame.
Try not to go there..ok?...

Shangrala

[peaches100]

I appreciate all the support and replies. I realize that maybe my friend isn't lying. Maybe she really, truly does not remember it. I think i was mostly just really hurt about being blown off when i called a few years back.

Yesterday morning, I SAW AN EMAIL FROM HER in my In Box. It said, "T, please call me. I really want to talk to you. Even tonight." She had apparently written it Wednesday night, but i didn't see it until Thursday morning. So i emailed her back and said I'd call her last night.

So all day yesterday, i was on pins and needles about making this phone call and how it would go.

But last night, when i called her. . .

. . .she wasn't home.

I left her a message that i'd try again this weekend, and left my phone number in case she wanted to call me.

I'm on pins and needles again. . .

[marjan]

I'm some how agree with your husband.....I think you should not dig into the old crappy memories....while you can't do anything about it?
I'm afraid that your girlfriend has the similar issue with the guy and she just wants to forget about it or maybe she forgot already....
I, myself, usually forget the bads and just keep the goods in my mind....and so many times when friends and family asked me for so and so in the past, I just simply don't remember it!
take care of yourself and try not to think about what has happened with that guy...thank god he's dead now and most likely he has a breakfast with devil right now!
M.

[Elysium]

(((((Peaches)))))

Perna wrote almost exactly what I would have wrote to you.

I think you're looking for answers and this is okay. Your Hubby had a good point, that she may not allow herself to remember...for her own protection of herself, but I don't think you did anything wrong.

I completely understand needing and wanting that validation. Your abuser has passed on, and this woman is one of a couple it sounds like that may have shared in similar experiences. It's only natural to want to reach out for some sense of validation and closure.

I'm glad that she wants you to call her. Hang in there. It may have been a shock to her to hear from you, and she may not have been ready, at that moment, to discuss the issue. She may have needed a day or two to get right with herself and prepare herself to go back down this memory lane.

Just remember to take care of you. These type of conversations with friends, although they seem like they can help, can often times make wounds deeper.