[anielica]

Can someone please tell me that I'm a bad wife so I can quit beating myself up over how crappy my marriage is and start fixing it?

The way I do everything is the wrong day to do it or he can do it better. I think of things to do for him that would be considerate. For example, mowed the incredibly large backyard today so he wouldn't have to do it. His response? "Well thanks, but I wanted to do it." We work the same amount of hours (most of the year...I'm a teacher), but God forbid he does 50% of the chores. He does what he wants to do and whatever he doesn't like doing, I have to do it. I feel like it's always about him, this "poor me" attitude that he puts off.

Whenever I cook a meal, it almost always ends up with, "Well, you know what I would have done?"

Makes sure he lets everyone know what idiotic thing(s) I've done lately to make himself look superior. He loves doing this in front of my family.

Doesn't show affection to me at all except for the once-a-month (maybe) roll in the hay when he has to get it out of his system.

I'm feeling very unloved and felt this way for awhile. We talk about it every few months when I finally can't handle it anymore and nothing gets resolved. I wish I could tell myself that it's all my fault and I'm the terrible one, but I just don't feel it in my heart that it's the truth. Don't know what I can do to fix it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i dont have any advice but i know exactly how you feel..it is almost like he thinks you owe him and hate that your the one that is close to him,and god forbid you should do anything better than he thinks he can do it,and never any responsibility...i could go on, i too am in this situation,when it gets too bad and we come to an agreement it doesnt last long..2 weeks at the most,i just cant figure out why i stay....it is abuse,,,,is there any other abuse?

[jenkins09]

It's not all your fault, it takes two to tango. Have you asked him if he feels respected by you? if he says no, ask him how you can show him. Does he know how you need to be loved? it usually comes down to a lack of communication. If he still acts like an *** after you share with him that his behavior is hurtful, you may want to consider finding a T to help you guys out. Marriage is hard, I dont have to tell you that. Dont be so hard on yourself and keep doing the right thing, even when he is a butt.

[Alexandria04]

I would say "Well, if you think you can do it better, then you do it!" or "Fine, then next time YOU can cook supper." That's probably not the best response though. I would recommend a book I read recently called "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It was really helpful and might be able to help in your situation. I agree though, don't beat yourself up, it takes two to make a marriage. I just think your husband seems to be being overly critical. Maybe you should level with him and say "If you continue to criticize my cooking, then I won't make supper anymore" and then FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. It does no good to threaten and then not follow through. This may seem harsh, but if you ever want him to stop belittling you (especially in front of other people) I really think you need to draw some boundaries in your life. Just my opinion though, take it or leave it. I hope you get everything worked out

[Perna]

It doesn't sound like you are having much fun in your marriage; why do you stay?

When you say you mow the lawn "for him", why not mow it for yourself, make dinner for yourself, do whatever you do because you want it done. If my husband were to say to me, "thanks but I wanted to do it" I'd laugh at him and say, "Nah nah, beat you to it!" If he wanted to mow it he would have done it. But you wanted it done so you mowed it.

If I feel overwhelmed with doing more than what I feel is "my" share, I remember that I could live alone and do everything or I can live with the man of my dreams, in a lifestyle I couldn't afford alone, and do everything. Makes taking out the trash easier for me :-)

Hello, anielica. He seems to be one who is going to find fault no matter what you do. Do you think he would agree to joint counseling? Was this guy ever the man of your dreams? What was he like before the problems started? What do you think needs to happen to fix the marriage?

Good luck.

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by anielica

I think of things to do for him that would be considerate. For example, mowed the incredibly large backyard today so he wouldn't have to do it. His response? "Well thanks, but I wanted to do it."

That IS considerate of you but stop trying so hard when it doesn't seem to be appreciated anyway.

Whenever I cook a meal, it almost always ends up with, "Well, you know what I would have done?"

Ok, how about instead of just cooking something for him..ask him if there's anything in particular he wants and is there any particular way he wants it cooked? Would this work? That way you're sure to do it *the way he would've done it*

What happens if instead of cooking, you go to his favorite restaurant/take out place..and order his favorite food? Does he find fault in that and come up with something you still did wrong or forgot to make you look like an idiot?

Makes sure he lets everyone know what idiotic thing(s) I've done lately to make himself look superior. He loves doing this in front of my family.

Sounds like a jerk.

lol.. what happens if you stand up and say "Yes, I'm an idiot. He does everything right and I'm so stupid. I wish I could be more like him."

Doesn't show affection to me at all except for the once-a-month (maybe) roll in the hay when he has to get it out of his system.

What happens if you try to initiate it instead of waiting for his once a month thing? A guy that only wants sex once a month? Any chance he's getting it somewhere else? Sorry, just a thought.

I wish I could tell myself that it's all my fault and I'm the terrible one, but I just don't feel it in my heart that it's the truth. Don't know what I can do to fix it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's not you. It's him. It sounds like you're asking us to tell you what you can magically run off and do to make him appreciate you and even if you cooked the perfect meal, said or did the right things.. he'd find something wrong and complain about it. How about marriage counseling?

[anielica]

Thank you all for your replies. I guess it all boils down to respect. I do not feel respected in the slightest and in turn, I am very irritable with him which probably doesn't feel like respect to him either.

In response to your question Perna, I stay because I love him and I know what kind of man he was. I would love to have that back because it was then when I was truly happy. I'm a very hard-headed person, but I'm losing the energy to tell him how I feel every 2 weeks and get into it with him.

Mocha, tried initiating it. There was about a 6 month time period a couple of years ago where I was the only one who initiated it and I was being rejected almost every time. My drive and body just gave up. Who wants to be continually rejected by the person who is supposed to be head-over-heels in love with you?

[mystes]

Originally Posted by anielica

Can someone please tell me that I'm a bad wife so I can quit beating myself up over how crappy my marriage is and start fixing it?

The way I do everything is the wrong day to do it or he can do it better. I think of things to do for him that would be considerate. For example, mowed the incredibly large backyard today so he wouldn't have to do it. His response? "Well thanks, but I wanted to do it." We work the same amount of hours (most of the year...I'm a teacher), but God forbid he does 50% of the chores. He does what he wants to do and whatever he doesn't like doing, I have to do it. I feel like it's always about him, this "poor me" attitude that he puts off.

Whenever I cook a meal, it almost always ends up with, "Well, you know what I would have done?"

Makes sure he lets everyone know what idiotic thing(s) I've done lately to make himself look superior. He loves doing this in front of my family.

Doesn't show affection to me at all except for the once-a-month (maybe) roll in the hay when he has to get it out of his system.

I'm feeling very unloved and felt this way for awhile. We talk about it every few months when I finally can't handle it anymore and nothing gets resolved. I wish I could tell myself that it's all my fault and I'm the terrible one, but I just don't feel it in my heart that it's the truth. Don't know what I can do to fix it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There is always a term used and abused
used for a reason , abused for this reason as well

if u no longer happy
then be free

Hope you find the right course of action for you, anielica.