Don't know what to do

So my bf and I have been together about 1.5 years. I really do love him but some things he does upset me and refuses to stop them no matter how much they bug me.

Well this guy and I have been back and forth for years (about 4) and everytime one of us is in a relationship. Then when I wanted to he didnt want to do long distance which I understand. Then when he started to be okay with long distance I had started dating my current bf thinking that this guy was out of it for good.

Well I have always kind of felt like I was settling no matter who I was dating, same with my current bf. I feel like, yes he is a good guy but he just isnt " the one". But I try to talk myself out of thinking that there even is such a thing as "the one" and that, no matter what, our partners will never really be exactly what we want.

Well, this other guy came to my graduation party today and I felt everything all over again. I felt like I could hold him, hug him and just BE with him. We never fight over anything. We have been friends for years and both of us have said that we find something wrong with everyone we date and that it keeps coming back to each other.

We have both compared ourselves to Jim and Pam (if you watch The Office) but our timing is never right. For us to be together, which we have both talked about and definitely want, one of our lives would have to change drastically.

I'm seriously stuck in a dilemma I never thought I would be in. My sister and brother have both told me they can tell this other guy likes me a lot just by the way he looks at me. We have tried dating but, being so many hours apart, it just doesn't seem fair to either one. But I still have dreams about him and we talked after my party today and he said exactly what I said. He said no girl has ever come close to me and that he knew we were meant for each other since the day he saw me.

Once he left I felt like crying. I just have this longing for him that I have never had with anyone and a spark I have never had with anyone before. But on the other hand, I really do love my current bf and, seems as right now, our paths will never been on the same track. Do I stay with the man I'm with and settle but keep my education and career on track? Or do I change my plans a little for the guy that I seriously feel I am meant to be with but change my entire future? I'm so lost. I seriously don't know what to do. All this was fine until he came to my party and he just brought up all these feelings I had been trying to forget about.

Maybe now is not the time to make that decision. Wait and watch and see. Sometimes we try too hard to make things happen. You will know if/when the time is right.

Talk to him about it... don't try to control the situation... on the same note, don't be wondering forever what might have been...

If you already feel that you're "settling" with this bf than you'll probably regret it the longer it goes on. "Settling" doesn't mean happiness. It means safe and secure. But if you change your career/education for this guy and give up everything.. you could have regrets about that too. Anywhere can you compromise? Maybe transfer schools or jobs? What does this guy think of you dropping your life to go wherever he is?

You didn't say what kinds of things "bug" you about the bf. Could you be nitpicking him just because he's not the other guy?

I agree with NuckingFutz, wait and don't rush into anything just because of all the feelings that resurfaced. Give it some time to think it through.

It has been my experience that when you meet the right person, there are no more questions about what you should do or who you should be with. That you are still having questions seems a good indication tat neither of them are 'the one'.

Well the current bf can just be really mean sometimes. Like when we are arguing he will start mocking or making fun of me which just makes the situation worse and he doesn't seem to get that.

But at the same time, I don't know if I'm thinking about this other guy because I'm scared about my current relationship and maybe its just an escape or if its real? And I really do love my current bf and we have a lot of fun together. He always makes me laugh but is sorta a negative person sometimes. I kind of feel like I'm always the one trying to look on the bright side or lighten the mood.

The other guy is always happy-go-lucky but that sorta equals out to not really having serious, thoughtful conversations sometimes. But even my sister and my brother said that they could tell he is just head over heels for me by the way he looks at me. No one has ever said that about my current bf.

Whenever we have talked about potentially changing something to be closer to the other person he always says that theres no way he would let me compromise my education for him and I don't expect him to do that either. Where his career is taking him is towards big cities and mine is the opposite. Whereas my current bf likes the slower lifestyle and outdoors more like me. But he isn't as motivated as this other guy and I am super motivated so that can kind of bug me when someone just doesn't seem like a go-getter.

I just don't know. I find positives and negatives about both situations. And then what if I really do uproot or he does to be with one another and it turns out were better as friends? Ugh! Why are men so damn complicated?

this is a tough situation. how well do you really know this other guy? you said you've been friends for years but do you think you have a good idea of what he's like in various situations or as a boyfriend? well, as much as you can possibly know that last part.

it sounds like you have to decide what is most important to you. maybe if you can look at it like what would you regret most if you didn't have it as an old woman? the thoughtful conversations? living a simpler lifestyle? the passion you feel with the other guy? other qualities? which one do you think you'd want to grow old with? maybe try to figure out independent of either of them what is most important to you in a guy. if you and this other guy don't ever try to be together would you look back on your life at 80 and be kicking yourself? i tend to think it's better to give things a real shot, even if it doesn't work out, than to settle. that's my 2 cents.

What I'm worried about is that this is how I have always been. Any guy I'm with I always have at least one or two that I know have feelings for me and are always kind of in the back of my mind. I am just so damn fickle.

When I think about it, my current bf is a really good guy. He just has some issues. But so does everyone right? And then I think why should I give up on him for his issues when I have them too and he has stuck by me when I have gone nuts on him before? And then I'll get little crushes all the time that aren't really anything, just my mind taking me away from whatever relationship I am in.

I really do feel deep down that I love my current bf. And I think if we could get some counseling and have someone outside of the situation tell us what we are doing (even though we both see it but we can't bring ourselves to believe it until someone else says it) that we could be really good together.

I really would like to just stop being so fickle and just make a decision. And I would like to say that I wouldn't end up doing the same thing with this other guy but, truthfully, I have felt this way about almost every guy I have dated. Just can't live without them, then when I get them, I'm looking for the next thing. What is my problem?

Here's what it seems to me, for all it's worth.

I don't think you are truly ready to be settled down with anyone at this time. I think you are still working on who you are and what you want out of your life and this is second to your education and career. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

Maybe it's time to work on YOU and what YOU want for yourself both personally and professionally. Would it be so awful to be a single woman without a man in your life as a constant and date different people? Maybe you need the dating to figure out what you really want out of a partner and staying with one person isn't going to help you find that out now is it?

I've always believed in taking care of the relationship I'm in at the time. Whether that means working harder on it, or figuring out that it's not working and working to end the relationship the best way I can. Until that is decided, I won't even consider another man in my life because it's not fair to me, the soon to be ex, or the new guy in my life. When ending a relationship, regardless of what the reason is, there is always a mourning period. Sometimes it's short, other times it's not. We mourn what we thought we had, we mourn the fact that it wasn't what we hoped it would be, we mourn the fact that we didn't "work". How can we get into another relationship when we are mourning and still trying to figure out what WE want?

Well, that's my take on it.....I hope I've said something worth thinking about saluki....I know it's not easy and I wish you well!


sabby