[Evening]

I'm not sure where to really post this so I'll post it here. I was wondering if there are others on here who didn't meet one (or both) of their parents until an older age. I didn't meet my father until I was 18 and it was an extremely dramatic (and possibly traumatising) event, not like the crap you see on TV. I don't really know anyone else who has had a similar situation. I have a friend who has never met her father (actually she's now my ex-friend, as I mentioned a few days ago we had a big fight), but when I told her about it she went and told her mother, which kind of annoyed me because she then started telling her mother a lot of personal stuff every time I confided (my mother was being suicidal and while I was vaguely talking about it her mother obviously already knew about it).
Well I haven't really talked about it with people, it is a very long story (a hell of a story at that I have to admit but nonetheless not a great thing to have gone through).

Are there others on here that have been in a similar situation in that you grew up without a parent? My father didn't even know I existed. We don't have a great relationship. But I'm not sure how much it's affected me. I've never really had an opportunity to discuss it other than to tell the story once or twice. I don't even know how I feel. I don't know if I've blocked it, if I don't care, if I do care, do I want that relationship, don't I want it, it does bug me sometimes.
Maybe others can help me out.

Do you ever wonder if there is a connection between not knowing your father, your childhood and how you view yourself?

http://www.life123.com/parenting/ado...-parents.shtml

[Evening]

Yes and no, it was never a huge deal to me while I was growing up and I had other men around me (although none of them were good influences and all were abusive to either me or someone else in my family). He is not a huge influence on my life I don't think, but at the same time, I think deep inside I'm disappointed, or something, I don't know, that I will never have a good father/daughter relationship with him (or anyone else) and that he's just another alcoholic, drug using, angry man. I think how that affects me is something I'm yet to fully discover.
I will say though that one time it did kind of hit me while I was out shopping one day. There were these 2 girls with their father next to me and they were asking if they could have something, and he said yeah. But the relationship they obviously had was a great one, he seemed like one of those really fun, caring fathers, and I ended up walking away from them practically in tears because I have and will never have that kind of relationship with my father or a father influence. I think that hurts me more than I realise, but I just don't know. I do know it affects my ability to have a relationship in general, I've never had one. But that's something I'm too scared to talk about.
My father and others around him have said and done some very hurtful things to me in the time that I have known him, and my reluctance to talk about him is partly due to my grandfathers attitude about him, he hates my father and won't even take me to see him (yet he'll take me anywhere else I need to go, even an hour and a half drive to get a washing machine), he has only even met my father once. So I feel extremely ashamed to talk about him to a lot of people. I just don't understand what the hell his problem is.

This part of my life is something I haven't talked too much about (and yes I know I talk about a LOT of crap, and yes I could go on and on, and yes I sometimes feel like I have so many past issues that people must think I'm lying, but it's just what I've experienced, too much drama).

This is why I want to know if there is anyone else who has had a similar situation, it may help me realise how I actually feel. I know something is there.
I wasn't adopted also (from the link you shared), my mother just didn't bother to tell him I existed.

[AAAAA]

I did not go through this myself, but my mother and my Aunt did and I do believe that it has affected them to this day. Their father denied being the father of my Aunt (younger of the two) until she was about 12.

When my mother was a few months old, her father came to see her for the first time, had relations with my grandmother again and the product was my Aunt. Why my grandmother decided to continue a physcial relationship with a man that had nothing to do with his first child, I'll never understand.

When my grandmother met and decided to marry when her daughters were 12 and 14, their father finally decided to make an appearance in their life. He said he didn't know that my Aunt was his daughter. His father, their grandfather was an active participant in their life from birth so it was all a load of crap, he didn't decide to even meet his second daughter until it became known my grandmother was finally moving on with her life.

He blew back into their life promising rainbows and unicorns. The man my grandmother decided to marry was not a pleasant man, and neither my mother or my Aunt got along with him. Their father promised to allow them to move in with him if they wanted. He promised them the moon and the stars then wrapped his car around a tree two weeks later.

My mother took it somewhat in stride, she was happy living with her grandmother, but my Aunt has been bitter and resentful her whole life. She has cause to be sure, I believe it has affected her relationships with men. Her husband has treated her like crap her whole life.

It's been a cycle, both of her daughters also have unhealthy relationships with men as well. I don't know how you can not be affected by that kind of rejection.

[ruffy]

((Evening)) Im adopted, and have never been able to reunite with any of my natural family, supposedly 3 brothers and another sister. My one remaining sister with whom I live has no memory of them, nor do I. It's left a big gap/void in our lives. No baby pictures or family photos of them or ourselves. We do have a handful of pictures that were sent with us but dont know who the people in them are. Apparently we were taken by the state because our mother who was mentally could not take care of us all. We dont really know the whole story. We want to find them and at the same are afraid to do so. Fear of dissapointment I guess or of other emotions. I wouldnt even know how to find them.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

We had a great dad so I don't know how this happened, I can't blame my dad because he was wonderful. Fun to be with, interesting, a great teacher, took us places, taught us to be interested in others and in things in general. Let us know the importance of education and the benefits of it leading to a better life.

Yet my sister lives with an abusive ratbag who she went to court to get out of jail because she had cancer and she needed him. On the way home from the jail, he stole a wallet...I nearly dobbed him in...he is a total loser. They got engaged with a stolen diamond ring...I just couldn't handle the entire situation.

Now my niece who never knew her father is with the 2nd of 2 abusive partners and just had her 4th child to him (the 2nd, her other 3 are to the 1st). I just don't understand how these 2 women have ended up with abusive partners. We had a good dad...what happened?

Sometimes things just go haywire I think

[Evening]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

We had a great dad so I don't know how this happened, I can't blame my dad because he was wonderful. Fun to be with, interesting, a great teacher, took us places, taught us to be interested in others and in things in general. Let us know the importance of education and the benefits of it leading to a better life.

Yet my sister lives with an abusive ratbag who she went to court to get out of jail because she had cancer and she needed him. On the way home from the jail, he stole a wallet...I nearly dobbed him in...he is a total loser. They got engaged with a stolen diamond ring...I just couldn't handle the entire situation.

Now my niece who never knew her father is with the 2nd of 2 abusive partners and just had her 4th child to him (the 2nd, her other 3 are to the 1st). I just don't understand how these 2 women have ended up with abusive partners. We had a good dad...what happened?

Sometimes things just go haywire I think

That does seem strange, my family is the complete opposite, I definitely know the answer to the bad relationships. My grandfather is an alcoholic and has a temper, he has that attitude where he knows he's right and if you don't do what he says he'll get angry. And my grandmother is the keep quiet and deal with it and don't stand up for yourself kind of person. So from that, even though my grandparents are still together, there have yet to be any successful relationships in my family and every female in my family has been with abusive men. I mean I literally have no positive relationship to go by, which is why I am still single.
It frustrates me that everyone caves in to my grandfather, but I seem to be the only one that doesn't, I have a reputation for being the one that's going to say it, everyone else can't deal with me speaking up.
His attitude is hurtful and when it comes to my father it's also confusing. Once I was in the car with my grandparents leaving my auntie's house, and I asked if we could stop at my dads to say hello because he literally lived around the corner, about 20 seconds away. My grandfather refused and got in a big huff, and I ended up jumping out of the car as my grandfather stopped to turn the corner and caught the bus home in tears. I don't understand why my grandfather is like that. I just wanted to say hello to my father. He has cancer (although I don't know how that is going because I haven't seen him in a long time), and I don't think that even wavers his judgment one bit. I've asked him what his problem is before and he said it's because I always fight with my dad. All I want to say to him is that at least my father didn't beat me up when I was 15.

Having said all of that, my father scares me. He is a tough guy (although I do find him weaker than he'll ever admit to), and he is also a boxer. He uses this tough exterior as his defense, he gets angry at the drop of a hat, he calls me things like stubborn and a drama queen (which are names one of my abusers used to always call me so it gives me all the more reason to believe it), he has sent me horrible messages in the middle of the night, he pushes me into things I don't want to do, like when he tried to make me take self defense classes from one of his mates. He downplays anything that has happened to me because he's 'older than me and had more experience, and I don't know what it's like to go through this and this and this'. He tries to make me look as though I'm trying to be tougher than I am, if I say I know how to defend myself, if I say I've lived on my own since I was 17 and I'm in my 20's now so I think I can manage, he's just laugh at me.

Plus there's the fact he drinks and does weed. In fact when I called to tell him who I was for the first time his girlfriend thought I was calling to buy drugs.
My father does try, but he is so damn clueless. So when I want him to back off he gets defensive and angry.

So it's a very difficult thing for me. I have been told by so many people that I should just forget him, but he's the only god damn father I have, wanker or not. And it's not like he's any worse than any of the others.
It's like I kind of do want to see him sometimes, but I block that out. I am too scared to go there on my own. Anger is a trigger for me so when he gets mad I cry and then he lays into me about that and treats me like I'm weak.

He frustrates the hell out of me. But then I have met plenty worse.

[Evening]

Originally Posted by ruffy

((Evening)) Im adopted, and have never been able to reunite with any of my natural family, supposedly 3 brothers and another sister. My one remaining sister with whom I live has no memory of them, nor do I. It's left a big gap/void in our lives. No baby pictures or family photos of them or ourselves. We do have a handful of pictures that were sent with us but dont know who the people in them are. Apparently we were taken by the state because our mother who was mentally could not take care of us all. We dont really know the whole story. We want to find them and at the same are afraid to do so. Fear of dissapointment I guess or of other emotions. I wouldnt even know how to find them.

I wish I could give you some advice on that but my situation was a bit unique, I literally found out where he lived the same day I started looking for him and met him the next day. But I do definitely suggest don't give your hopes up that it will be a wonderful joyous occasion like on TV.

[salukigirl]

I didn't personally deal with it but my niece is right now. My sister got pregnant when she was 17 and the father's parents gave him an ultimatum: he could see his daughter or he could never see her or talk to her and they would pay for his entire college. He chose college. Now he is married with kids of his own. My sister had to take him to court several times to get child support and now she has been married for about 10 years and they have another 3 children together. So 5 in the household have his last name and then there is my niece who doesn't. My sister's current husband never officially adopted her because then they would lose the child support from her real dad.

She goes through spurts. One day she will want so bad to meet him. My sister has sent emails, cards, letters with her school pictures in them, and nothing. So then once she makes this attempt, my niece will get angry and decide she doesn't care if she ever meets him. Then once the hurt wears off she starts that cycle all over again.

Even though my sister's husband has been around for over 10 years, she doesn't call him dad and he doesn't refer to her as his daughter. So she is kind of alone in that sense. Luckily though my dad (her grandpa) has pretty much always been around, as well as my brother and my sister's husband so I think she is better off never meeting him.

My sister didn't have a choice. She still went to college and got her degree and a good job. But the dad chose a free ride over his own child. So, personally, when a dad does that, I don't really ever get how one would even have the urge to meet him (except maybe to give him a big ol smack).

What I hope happens is that she goes away to college in a couple years, gets her degree, does well for herself and THEN meets him. Only to say that he was an excellent father and made the best choice for her because him not being around has turned out an amazing child.

I'm sorry your situation was terrible and I think thats probably the majority of cases. It will always be a what if type situation. Are you happy that now you know the man and can make peace with it or would you rather have had this mysterious image and always had it in the back of your mind what could have been?

[AAAAA]

I'm sorry for your niece Salukigirl. You bring up the one thing that baffles me beyond belief. How does a person have more children, realize the love and joys that come with those children and still have other children out in the world that they willingly have no contact with?

I'm not talking about giving a child up for adoption, to me that's different, you've made a decision that you are not able to take care of the child and do what is best for the child. It's an honorable decision.

But how do you look at your children every day and not think about that other child that is left behind? How do sleep at night? How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
OR the granparents, I just do not understand how you KNOW that you have a grandchild out there and just ignore their existance?

[Evening]

I am glad I found him yes, and if I explained the whole story of how I found him and met him, well if I didn't find him the year that I did then I may never have found him because it was the only year his phone number was in the phone book.
I never had any high hopes about meeting him, knowing the men my mother has been with and the things my mother has involved herself in I wasn't exactly expecting anything high quality.
It was never really a big deal for me, it wasn't something I pined over for years. There was just the occasional curiosity that never got truthfully answered. I'm not really any better or worse off knowing him.

I can understand your niece's cycle of wanting to see him then wanting nothing to do with him, it is the same with my father. I sometimes want to see him, but then I get hurt and vow he can go to hell for all I care. But then it will eventually wear off.
I think if she wants to meet him only she will know herself whether or not that is what she needs. There does become this need to know who this person is, just for closure at the least. My father, well my life was bad enough growing up without him as it was. But I do have the closure that I do know him now. I do think sometimes bad things happen for good reasons, and my mother not telling him I existed meant I didn't have to grow up with him. But even then, it has been very tough. I mean, my mother bought drugs from him last time we went there (she's decided to become completely clean now so I know it won't happen again, but seeing your parents buy and sell drugs from each other is not something anyone needs to see).

It's not that the whole thing was a shock to me, it's not like I'm dealing with anything I've never had to be exposed to before (drugs, alcohol, crime, abuse, blah, blah, blah), I think there is just some disappointment that he was just another same old same old.