[Shaoli]

I have had a rough time dealing with this Bipolar issue, I was recently diagnosed, well a year ago and ever since I was diagnosed well things never have been really normal to me. I have had a rocky relationship for the last past 10 yrs of my life, I have a beautiful daughter who is suffering with High Functioning Autism, and to top it off I have Bipolar/ Manic Depressive Disorder. I have tried and tried to beat this battle but it seems I can't win! I have a new boyfriend in my life, we have been together off and on for the past 2 yrs. At first he was very understanding of me because when we first met he didn't know what I had because I hid it from the world!!
When he first noticed an epsisode he told me I needed help and if i didn't get the treatment he was going to leave, So I decided to give it a try. 1 yr in and I have been on so many different types of medication I have lost count..none of them truly helped actually it made matters worse for both of us. We have in the last 2 yrs broken up 3 times because of it. I wonder sometimes if it was just me or was it him too? Apparently he thinks it was all me. Well of course thats typical to pass blame. But as I looked back on it I know i was influenced in many ways by loved ones who I trusted, So looking back I knew I was the blame for most of the break-up. I couldn't help it honestly, I took all the meds as directed but I turned into a different person, a zombie if you call it. I just couldn't handle taking 8 different meds everyday, I mean who would.
So now here in the present day I'm still with him and for the past yr he has pressured me into working which isn't a bad idea now that I look at it, but back then I was a terrified mess...Did he care? I don't really know and not so sure he did about me suffering with this horrible illness. I'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself but I mean Bipolar destroys lifes if not treated properly and me for instance was not treated with the right medications. So now for the past 3 months I have been doing soooo much better, I just starting taking Lamictal and it has helped tremendously I must say. Yet.....My relationship with my soon and suppose to be fiance is still horrible..I feel better I still have mood swings but hell I'm trying to handle all of this at once I would like to be supported by the person you love and want to marry. Only I'm getting the feeling he dosen't want to deal with this or me for that fact anymore! I'm so confused, he controls me, he downs me at times, and he uses my sickness against me. Basically I feel tricked into believeing it's just me all the time and I know for a fact it is not!!!! I feel manipulated all the time and made to feel bad, like as if I have to wake up everyday and defend something I can't help.
I don't want to be depressed anymore I have been since my childhood and I want to start living a full and productive life but I don't seem to know how to let him or the things that depress me GO!! If anyone out there has some advice I would gladly appreciate a response.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there Shaoli

You have a lot going on, sorry you are so stressed. I know what it's like to be told "Oh just go take a pill!" or "You're crazy!" and other petty and degrading comments like that. When in the grip of depression of any kind it is just so devastating and other things they say are almost gutting. I have an ex-husband who is an ex because he did those things, and others.

Do you have a therapist? A counsellor? I would really suggest one because they are people who can help you to get a handle on everything so that it isn't so upsetting and so that you can be the one in control.

We do get a tad paranoid at times and we get very sensitive to accusations and even worse things like arguments happen if we feel we are not supported and are actually blamed for having the disorder; like it is something we actually control and work on to make bigger. And telling them doesn't seem to make a difference.

One thing we have problems with before we get theraputic help is that we either blame ourself for everything or we blame someone else for everything. There needs to be a balance between that and instead of a blame game, there needs to be a healing action. I've done well because my partner is good to me, he understands what I am like and he knows that I need help with certain things. What I can do I do, what I can't do he does, and things I'm learning to do we do together.

I would't be thinking of getting engaged or married if the relationship is so horrible because being married isn't going to change a thing, in fact in some instances it can make things worse.

Take things slow and work on what you can, but get help to do it so that you are not there alone and backslide without having someone there to pick you up, that is what therapists do and that is what people who love you do...

Loving thoughts,

Rhiannon

[Shaoli]

Thank you for caring..that means a lot. Actually Me and Him have been going through this for 2 yrs and yesterday I finally got it out in the open about how I feel. I actually talked with my couselor and my Pastor and they made a lot of sense to me. I do tend to read into things way to much and over react. I just need to learn how to not worry so much about him and worry more about my life. I'm constantly wondering if he is mad at me and so on. I just have to let it roll off my shoulders and take one day at a time. I just started this medicine and it's helping me a great deal already. Your right I do blame myself for everything and I hold a lot of guilt inside for the past..but I was told that I need to leave the past behind me and move on to a new me. Again thanks for the support..take care and hope to hear from you again real soon.

[Perna]

Shaoli, I'm glad you have finally found a med that works well for you and are doing so much better, are working, etc. I think there's a learning curve with this illness thing and it takes time to figure out the right meds and what will help with it. I think during that time our loved ones get use to dealing with situations that are mostly us (whether or not we mean for them to be, it just "is" we're ill!) and I think they have a learning curve too!

Substitute some other illness for your bipolar, say, multiple sclerosis, cancer, or even pneumonia or a heart condition needing hospitalization. Our significant others have to cope with our condition and they do but when things get better, if they do, they can't just turn off what they've been doing/feeling, etc. like a light switch? They get use to viewing us as "ill" and needing help and even feel certain feelings (helpful? in charge?) they like. We're ill so they get to order things more their way; our treatment and how the interaction works (when they'll come visit in the hospital, is an example if you had a condition that hospitalized you) and they get into a pattern that works for them in this type of situation. Now you're better though but sounds like your fiance hasn't quite woken up to that fact yet.

I don't know what you argue about but I would think about those issues and how you would like them done and then sit down with him and talk to him about how you would like the relationship to be now that you're getting better.

Remember though, you can't have it both ways; be "taken care of" and have a say in how you're taken care of. If you are capable of self-care, you have to do that care for yourself. If you are not, then you are reliant on others and they get to care for you as it is best for them. Think again of the person in the hospital; in 2003 I was hospitalized for a week and my husband came every evening to visit me. I might have liked him to be with me all day but I did not need that sort of care and he has his life to lead and responsibilities at work and home running our household without me. He got to decide when it was best and easiest for him to visit me.

It sounds like you have benefited from your boyfriend's pushing you in the past to get to the doctor and keep trying meds and find a job, etc. I think it is natural for you to say, "fine, I'm on my feet now, let's re-evaluate this relationship" but I don't know that you have sat down and talked to your fiance about that? If you do not make it clear to him what you want and what you would like to do for yourself now and as a couple, but only push against what he is doing, I think he's going to just push back in that case. Talk to him and tell him what you want and don't want for the relationship and help him see how it has changed and then see if he takes more responsibility for some of the disagreements. Only negative feedback ("It's all your fault") does not get the other person engaged in a relationship but just to respond, equally and in kind (It is not!).

Tell your boyfriend how you appreciate all he's done for you and explain how you have changed and where you want the relationship with him to go from here.