[chipperdear]

Hello everyone, I'm back. It's been a couple months since I first introduced myself, but I came looking for advice and/or opinions. I recently broke up with someone I have been with for almost a year. My ex wanted to move our relationship to the next level physically but I didn't feel ready to do so. I felt guilty about it because after this long, I should feel comfortable with it. We are both in our early/mid 20's. I always felt self conscious when I went places with him, especially when I knew someone that was there. I finally made the decision to end it because of those two reasons, but now, after not being able to stop crying for a couple hours and losing some sleep, I'm starting to question whether or not I made the right decision. The problem is that I have some anxiety/depression/panic issues. Being embarrassed to be seen in public with him could very well be my social anxiety getting the best of me, because I used to feel similar when I went to the grocery store and would see people outside of the usual setting (ie. former teachers outside the classroom), and I've always had a fear of intimacy which could be the problem with not wanting to get physical with him. In previous relationships I've always felt that intimacy was a chore and usually grew to resent either the partner or the intimacy. I've always been told that intimacy should "wait until you're older," but now that I'm "older" I think I still feel that way, that I'm still not old enough. I don't know what to do.

[CedarS]

You write that you should have felt comfortable doing what your ex wanted. I don't agree, I think is perfectly fine for you to not want to do something, for any reason or no reason at all.

Having challenges with anxiety doesn't mean that you can't also have likes and dislikes, preferences, instincts, and the ability to make choices. Not wanting to do something isn't always caused by your anxiety - you can have both at the same time.

Are you getting help with anxiety? Therapy?

[chipperdear]

Originally Posted by CedarS

You write that you should have felt comfortable doing what your ex wanted. I don't agree, I think is perfectly fine for you to not want to do something, for any reason or no reason at all.

Having challenges with anxiety doesn't mean that you can't also have likes and dislikes, preferences, instincts, and the ability to make choices. Not wanting to do something isn't always caused by your anxiety - you can have both at the same time.

Are you getting help with anxiety? Therapy?

Thanks for the reply

Currently, no, I'm not in therapy. I've been looking around my area but I can't find anything affordable at the moment.

I think at this point I just feel guilty about hurting him, so I'm second guessing my decision. I have a bad habit of that. I don't like hurting people (who does?) and I don't like confrontations. I'm trying to convince myself I made the right decision.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey Chipper,

Don't ever feel guilty for making a life choice that has so much importance connected to it. This is your body and your committment you are talking about and only you have the right to decide what is right for you.

At the end of most relationships people will go over it again and again to establish that they have done the right thing. I think you did do the right thing because it is a matter of what you personally felt. If you think that intimacy is a chore though, I honestly think that needs listening to. Initimacy is an exchange between people who love each other and if you genuinely love someone, it is a wonderful thing to share.

So from what you have written I honestly think that you've done the right thing and should feel ok with it. But the issues of being self conscious when you are out should be discussed when you get a therapist, as should the idea that intimacy if you can't get passed the chore idea of it,

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

You are grieving, chipperdear. Questioning is part of the process.

I wish you the best.

[chipperdear]

Thanks everyone for your responses. After having some time to think about it more, I realize that questioning my decision was just part of the process. The idea would not have been floating in my head for so long had it not been the right decision for me to make. It's just hard to voluntarily shut your main support system out of your life. I'm going to keep looking around my area for therapy I can afford to try and work some of my issues out. My doctor (actually a PA) seems to think I don't need therapy, so I can't get a recommendation from her to see the psychologist in the office at a discounted rate. I'll find something eventually. Thanks again everyone!

Good luck with find a therapist, chipperdear.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I hope you are doing well chipperdear, thinking of you. Hope you can get a therapist; I don't see why you should be deprived of that service just because your GP says so...what does a GP know about the things you think about but don't speak of?

Rhian