[Calie17]

I have been divorced for many years, I'm in my late 40's. I have met several men since my divorce and most have been dishonest, cheated, etc. I have finally met a very nice man, to say the least. Here is my dilemma. (I'm sorry it is so lengthy)

My boyfriend and I met almost 3 months ago, we see one another just about every day, and on those rare occasions when we don't get to see one another, he calls often or texts. We met and immediately hit it off and decided to see only one another. He told me he had been married for 16 yrs, which is completely over, and divorced for almost 7 years. In that time he met someone else, they were together for 6 years., lived together most of that time and got engaged. She died of leukemia. When my boyfriend and I met, he told me all about his fiancé. He said she died a year ago, I truly believe he didn't want to lay everything on me a once, because he truly isn't the kind of person to lie. In the time I have known him, he hasn't lied to me, I think he is cautious in how he approaches telling me things. After a month and a half of dating, a monogamous relationship, and as I said seeing one another daily, he finally told me she died only 4 months before we met. I felt my heart sink, I felt he couldn't be ready to move forward after such a short time. We discussed it and he said when she was diagnosed she wasn't given a good prognosis for survival, and he therefore began to "grieve" and face reality at that point. He truly did love her.

Anyway, when I go to his home, which I do every weekend, he is at my place most of the week because of work schedules. Anyway, he still has her pics everywhere, cards he gave her are hanging, pics of them together are on tables. Her vanity is still in the bedroom with her things on it. He has a 7 year old, who he sees once a week, but was an infant when he was with his fiancé, and so his daughter grew with his fiancé, though they saw one another only once a week. My boyfriend and I are not able to see one another on Sundays because he has his daughter. Most people, other than some of his friends, do not know about me. Because there is a chance of running into his family or his fiancé family, there are places we cannot go, he is not ready for me to meet them or for them to know about me. He is not ready for me to meet his daughter. I have not said anything about any of his decisions, because I am trying to be very respectful of him and his choices about our relationship. There are times it does hurt though, his friends really like me and are happy he has met someone, they say we are good together. There are times we are invited to their home for a BBQ or something, but if it's on a Sunday, he says to them, well Calie cannot go, but my daughter and I will be there. His friends think he is going somewhat overboard with this, but again respect his choices. He is still very much a part of his fiances family and always will be. He talks of them all often and still sees them. When the holidays come and as new ones approach, we are not able to be together. Because I do not believe he is not over the grieving process is why I am being so patient, that and the fact he really is a wonderful man. My friends and a counselor however, feel I am not having any of my needs met. They feel because we are in a fully committed relationship, it may be time to have a talk about the pics and his daughter. I am afraid to have this talk with him, I am trying to be respectful and allow him to go through the grieving process in his way, though he feels he has gone through the grieving. I am looking for any suggestions how to handle the situation. I am willing to remain patient, but when might be the proper time to talk about these issues? I am not wanting to sound selfish, but as I said there are times it hurts or I feel sad because we are not able to share many things, or the pics we have taken together are hidden away so no one in his family will see them. What advice would you give me? I will remain patient. Thank you for your help

[jenkins09]

Discussing your feeling with him isnt selfish. I think you have met a man you like and are in love, which is great. Its been a relatively short time though for him and your relationship. I am not invalidating your feelings or relationship, but 3 mo. is a short time and you really dont know him yet.

I would just share with him that you need to talk and express to him what you did here. IMO at least he will know where your at. As far as the pictures go, I would just let that be. She died 4 mo ago and his child cared for this person. I could understand the pictures. It might make you insecure, but find a way to deal with it.

Your in a difficult spot and I hope you can build this relationship on friendship and trust. Good luck.

[Yoda]

Sometimes family criticize people if they begin a new relationship 'too soon' after their partner died. He may be feeling guilty that he has not waited 'long enough' to begin a serious relationship. Everybody is different in how they define 'too soon'. If you are patient you may be able to build a relationship. I met a guy about eight weeks after my boyfriend died and the guy got attached to me quickly and started telling me he loved me. I kept telling the guy he didn't know me enough to love me and I was still reeling from the loss of my boyfriend but the guy couldn't hear what I was saying. That didn't work out so well.

It has been ten years and I still have photos of my deceased boyfriend on walls. Probably always will even if I might ever have another boyfriend.

I wish you and your friend peace.

[Calie17]

Thank you both for your advice. Yoda, you say it's been 10 years since your boyfriend passed, have you had relationships since? How has it been for you? I completely understand people thinking it's "too soon" that is why I am being so patient. I believe he does care for me, but it is a bit scary. I am able to be in a relationship, and I wonder if he truly is. I know it is only 6 mos since her passing, I truly care for him too. I only hope I am not the "transition" person or someone in his life just so he isn't alone. That would hurt and not be fair to me. I hope we can find common ground where I can remain patient and allow him to go through what he needs to go through and we are able to move forward as a couple rather than me being the one here at the moment. There is one more piece, I had to go for a breast biopsy last week, I should have the results in a couple of days, but it is hard. He is being as supportive as he can be, but I also don't lean on him as I would like too. I am trying to be respectful of his recent loss, but it is difficult for me when I would like my boyfriend to be there or I need to tell him my fears or just break down and cry and I can't at this point.

Originally Posted by Yoda

Sometimes family criticize people if they begin a new relationship 'too soon' after their partner died. He may be feeling guilty that he has not waited 'long enough' to begin a serious relationship. Everybody is different in how they define 'too soon'. If you are patient you may be able to build a relationship. I met a guy about eight weeks after my boyfriend died and the guy got attached to me quickly and started telling me he loved me. I kept telling the guy he didn't know me enough to love me and I was still reeling from the loss of my boyfriend but the guy couldn't hear what I was saying. That didn't work out so well.

It has been ten years and I still have photos of my deceased boyfriend on walls. Probably always will even if I might ever have another boyfriend.

I wish you and your friend peace.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Welcome to PC Calie,

Pardon my forwardness but I don't think you are in a fully committed relationship. He hasn't dealt with his loss and obviously is excluding you from some key areas of his life.

If you were both fully committed there would be no partitioning of his life off from you. As it is you are doing all the understanding and he is not really doing anything that can be considered concerned or considerate about your feelings.

I wouldn't be asking anything at the moment except "Do you see this going anywhere?"

Loving thoughts,

Rhian,
xxx

[Calie17]

Thank you Rhian. I do not see you as forward just honest. I have asked myself the same question. If we had met and he told me straight out she had recently passed, I cannot say that I would have continued to see him, maybe casually and as friends and see where it went from there, but that is not how it happened. I know we are not in a "relationship" because he cannot fully commit at this point, I hope one day he is able to move forward.

Grieving has no schedule and can go on for a long time. He is dictating the terms of the relationship and does not appear to consider your feelings. He already mislead you once.

My thought is to tell him you seem to have more invested in the relationship than he does. Perhaps it would be best for you two not to see each until he is able to focus on the now and not the past?

[uoffl]

Hi,

I think three months is a short time in a relationship. However, if you feel this way, you should bring it up and talk it out with him. It doesn't sound fun being hidden in his life, and maybe if you do decide to be patient and give him some time, you should set a date as to when this should all stop. He shouldn't hide you 2 years in for instance. So only you can decide what is acceptable and what is not, and until when.
I hope all will go well.

[marjan]

sorry that you got to go through all this with him....not really fair to you....

It looks like he hasn't moved on yet....and honesty, I think he's a good person....but the question is if all these are good for you?

If I were you, I would have emailed him with all the stuff in my heart and even I would have asked him if he wants some time apart or slowing down the relationship....probably, he really need that alone time....I would have told him all about my feelings....

but, still it's your call...you are in this situation and you got to make the decision....

good luck to you
Marjan

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Just letting you know ((((((((Calie)))))))) that i'm thinking of you and hoping you are doing well,

Rhia