Parents: need your advice. I messed up :(

Well, turns out that my stepbrother and sister-in-law are separating. His mother (my stepmother) is devastated, hurt, angry and feeling guilty. She had been pretty close to my sister-in-law, which compounds the hurt she is feeling, but is absolutely furious with her because my sister-in-law is the one who wants out. She announced her plan to leave about a month and a half ago, and she's moving out this weekend. They have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old.

I called my stepmom today to see how she is holding up, and she asked me how I felt about the whole thing, and since I had recently had dinner with my sis-in-law, wanted to know if I had any information that would help my stepmom make sense of the situation. Stupid, stupid, STUPID me, who normally knows better, made the mistake of answering her question. She did not really want to know what I thought. Her baby son is being wronged and she wants validation of that. And I moronically explained my sister-in-law's point of view, which I happen to think is a good reason for not staying in the marriage. So now, naturally, my stepmom is furious with me for "siding" with my sister in law (which, by the way, I'm not, but I can understand her point of view).

I know my stepmom is in tremendous pain and only cares about defending her son and is dealing with a lot of guilty feelings for the way he turned out (btw, he's really not THAT bad, but he is a cop, and unfortunately one who really enjoys the more authoritative aspects of being a big white cop). I know that the right thing to do would be to just listen to her complain about my sister-in-law and what a horrible person she is. But I didn't, and now I feel horrible.

I'm also divorced, and was kind of in my stepbrother's shoes in that I did not want the divorce and loved my husband tremendously - the pain is still there. I don't believe in divorce as a quick fix for problems that you commited to working through together. But in some cases, well, it's just not black and white. My parents also hated my ex-husband for what he did, and honestly, hating him and bad-mouthing him really did not help me feel better - it actually made me feel worse, because they were hating someone that I still loved and still hoped to reconcile with.

Now, I don't have kids yet. But I already love my unconceived children with a ferocity that I haven't experienced in real life. I know that I would also defend them to the fullest extent. I'm sure if my child's marriage failed, I would be devastated as well. But she is not being rational or open-minded in the least, and her anger is eating away at her and is really hurting her relationship with the rest of the family (yes, I know that I made a big boo-boo, but it's not just this incident - she has picked fights with everyone in the family because she is so miserable right now).

Okay, I'm trying get to my question: what is the best way for me to recover from my boo-boo, and do you think there is any chance or point in getting her to try to see my sister-in-law's reasons? They aren't necessarily getting divorced -- she is moving out for a few months to regroup. My sister-in-law is willing to see a marriage counselor and wants to try to save the marriage, but I also agree that she will grow to hate him if she doesn't get the space she needs. But the way I see it is that my stepmom will be miserable (and take it out on all of us) unless she can find some way to make peace with the situation. If you were in her shoes and it was YOUR son, would you want someone to help you come to terms with it, or would it be healthier for you to just hate the "bad guy"?.

I love my stepmom and I know that she is going to continue to be upset with me for being (what she considers) disloyal. I plan to give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle, but I don't want to just try to brush it under the carpet because I know that it will eat away at our relationship.

Any advice? What can a daughter do when she offended a mother defending her son?

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

personally, i think you should stay out of this and try to convince your stepmother to do the same. while you might understand your step-sister's perception of her marriage, no one ever really understands what goes on in someone else's marriage except *maybe* the two people involved.

ok, answering your stepmother's questions wasn't the best move, but she *did* ask and should have been ready to accept whatever answer she was given. but that's not really gonna win you any points with her right now. what might work is explaining that you shouldn't have answered her question because your stepbrother's marriage is none of your business and you want to stay out of it and let them try to work it out or not. you might also explain that you actually don't think your stepbrother is a bad guy and that it's almost impossible for one person to destroy a marriage or make one work, so clearly both your stepbrother and your sil likely contributed something to the current state of affairs. laying blame isn't going to help them resolve any of the problems and even if they divorce, they're still going to have to find a way to get along because they have a child together.

i don't know your relationship to your stepmother, but it might help for you to tell her how it felt for you to hear them talk trash about your ex--that it really didn't help you deal with anything. she probably does think she was being supportive by doing that.

ideally, your stepmother should see a counsellor to deal with her feelings on this so that they don't interfere with her dealings with her son and possibly future ex daughter in law and everyone else. her son's divroce is not about *her* and it's really not going to help him or anyone else to have to deal with her problems with it in addition to their own.

{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh my...first of all - I am so sorry you are going through this. You didn't mess up hun...you answered questions and gave your opinion...it is your step mother that is having trouble with it not you ok?

My sons are not old enough yet but to compare it the best way I can...I can offer advice you can share with your step mother....my former mother in law and I still have a good relationship...we talk quite often and I visit her every few days...I always felt that I divorced her son but not her. She still thinks a lot of me and myself of her because of the way we handled things...not all inlaws are like that I know.

Your stepmother will go through a range of emotions and right now...you are her target as you expressed your feelings....it will smooth over with time. Try to sit down and talk to her letting her know that you are not going to take sides and hopefully she can see that too. Tell her that since divorce is not in the picture right now...it is important to think of their child they have and if and when they work things out....her son will respect her more.

Gosh I hope it works out for everyone. Keep us posted ok?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Geez, I don't know that I can offer help here but I will say that the advice you've got so far seem really good to me.

Most importantly, you didn't screw up. You are looking at things from both sides and finding understanding for both. I am sure you thought she would see things a little more rationally but we usually don't know it until after the fact.

In my separation and divorce my mom was mad to but she was mad at me. She had a hard time because it was my choice. She adored my ex. (he was very good to her) She also believes strongly in marriage vows as do I. I simply explained that this is what I thought was best for me and it was my decision. Eventually...after some time....she got over it.

I don't know if anything I said helps. I wish you the best in however you decide to handle things. I have every faith in you that you will find a fair, diplomatic and caring way to straighten things out.

It is very impressive that you forsee it eating away at your relationship and you are willing to confront things so that doesn't happen. Your step mom is very lucky to have you in her life.
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

(((((LMo)))))

<Sam walks over and hugs LMo - tries to BEHAVE himself (he doesn't want to have to explain those 2 black eyes)>

You truly are a sweet, wonderful, loving and caring person so don't beat yourself up over trying to help another. And yes, in this situation I think you were correct in realizing you should have held your peace, because in the end, it is not so much about your step-mom wanting to know what happened as much as it is in her dealing with her anger towards her daughter-in-law. I'm afraid, regardless of how right or wrong she is - all she wants is most likely to lay balme on that shameless woman that has caused her baby hurt.

My advice would be to just refrain from conversations with your step-mom on this issue and allow her to deal with it in her own terms, and I'm sure it will work out for you. I mean - you're such a sweetie - How could anyone stay mad at you for long? ... Not me (but I don't see me being mad at you anyway)

Your friend Sam

tough one, LMo. I offended my mother-in-law one time and it took years for her to barely speak to me again. It is still a bit chilly 15 years later. If you offer a heartfelt apology and it falls flat, then there really isn't much you can do but treat everyone nicely and wait for the ice to melt. Hopefully it will be days or weeks, not longer.

Maybe you could write her a letter? You are very good with words. If she reads it, there might be a better chance of her hearing you out than when you are verbal and she can shut you up.

What about your step-brother? Is he rational on this? Could he try to present both sides to his mom?

Wherever you go, there you are

Penna, Heidu, Heather, Sam, KV -- thank you so much for taking the time for my somewhat petty issue.

I'll write a short email as a starting point. Can one of you give me feedback on the following:

Dear Mom:
I feel awful about our conversation yesterday and I am very, very sorry that I hurt you. I know that you are really upset about this situation and I probably made it worse. I love you and want you to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I promise next time to listen more and talk less. I guess the reason I felt compelled to say anything about M/H's separation (which I realize is absolutely none of my business -- it's between the two of them only) is because it really reminds me about my own divorce experience. When G (my ex-husband) first moved out, I still loved him and desperately hoped we would reconcile. To hear other people critcize him and feel their anger and hatred toward him only made it more difficult for me, because they were criticizing someone that I loved. I also felt that having other people take sides was making the rift between us grow, because people were encouraging me to hate him, and vice-versa. In terms of my own recovery from the pain, it was easier for me to accept what had happened once I had let go of the anger and tried to see his point of view.

About M (my stepbrother), I support him 100% through what is an excrucitating time in his life, and I hope more than anything that they can repair their marriage.

If there is anything I can do to help you through this, please know that I am willing (find a counselor for you, just listen, clean your house to give you a break, whatever).

Love,
Lee Ann

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Sounds good Lmo. The only thing I am not sure about is the offer of finding a counselor. If this isn't something you've disgussed before or maybe it's not something she is open to it may seem like you are apologizing but calling her crazy at the same time. Just looking at it from her possible point of view being she is hurting.

If the letter re-opens a door for you two to talk then you could bring up counseling. Maybe saying how it helped you to deal with your breakup and since she is hurting just as much then it might really help her.
Hugs and best wishes,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Excellent Heidu - thanks - I'll take that part out.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Looks good to me. I second Heidu. Open those doors slowly.

Wherever you go, there you are

AAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

I thought I had saved it as a Draft in my email! Instead, I had sent it! Oh no!

Too late now!

Thanks, though - that was the kind of feedback I was looking for...

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Yikes! good lesson. minimum damage. I have done this before. Better to work on notepad or word with ongoing projects.

Wherever you go, there you are

Yep. Sad that a software consultant can't figure out how to successfully save a Draft in her email, huh?

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Geez I hate when that happens. Well if it comes up you can tell her you see her really hurting over this and use the "it helped me" speech.
Dang email!!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Hi all!
She replied yesterday and we also IM'ed last night. The only thing she said about the "counselor" line is:

"... would you really come out and clean my house??? If you did, then I wouldnt' need a counselor! ;-)"

Pretty funny!

But then she went on about how inconsiderate and untrustworthy my sis-in-law is, and that there HAVE to be other reasons (probably is having an affair, she has no compassion for his job, etc) why she is leaving him that she is not admitting. If she loved him, then she wouldn't leave him.

It is killing me not to reply with "well, YOU left US a few times, but hopefully you still love me"... but I'm not saying one more word about this!!!!!!!

LMo is stayin' outta this one!

Thanks again, all!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

I'm glad it worked out ok and YOU are a smart girl. It's hard to keep the old mouth shut when you see something so obvious to say but sometimes it just makes things worse for no good reason. Proud of you!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

<Sam runs over and ties LMO up until he can delete step mothers email address and IM from LMo's computer. Next, he hands her pencil and paper and unties her (hmm .. maybe I should leave her tied (that or start liking black eyes) and RUNS out the door!

((((((((((LMo))))))))))

Your friend Sam

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.

Hi LMo

It’s tough being in the middle isn’t it? It’s usually a no-win situation. Your stepmom is going to move past this in her own time, when and if she gets ready. And I really don’t believe anything you can say is going to make a difference right now. You know that you weren’t “choosing sides”, but realistically, nothing short of you saying that you think that your sis-in-law should burn in hell would have satisfied her. Maybe some overkill there, but you get the point. As a parent, most parents will defend their children, whether they be right, wrong, or indifferent. My daughter is having some serious marital problems right now, and has been telling me that divorce is looking like a possibility. I know that she is as much to blame for those problems, if not more so. But if it happens, and I hope it doesn’t, I will stand by her 100%. She’s my baby, my first born, and I will be there for her.

You’ve extended an apology, explained how you feel, and very graciously offered your help in a very tense and trying time. You’re an extremely giving person, and I think that speaks volumes about you. IMHO, I think the best thing for you to do is to sit back now and let the stepmom and the others let you know if they need anything from you. I think you’ve done what you can.

I hope everything works out in the best possible way for all concerned.

bp

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work."

Yep - agreed about everything you said.

Thanks to all who replied... water under the bridge by now, hopefully!

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

LMo, You did not mess up. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. I think the person your step-mom is mad at is her son. As a mother of 3 boys I can't imagine that they would ever do anything wrong!!!HAHA! I do know that they are not perfect and will eventually make mistakes. I think that your step-mom just doesn't want to imagine that it could have possibly been any fault of her son. It takes two to make a marriage work and it also takes two to make it fall apart. I think you should encourage both of them to go to marriage counseling! They may find out how wonderful it is to fall in love with someone for the second time.

I would call your step-mom and tell her you didn't mean to offend her and your comments did not mean that you don't love your step-brother or her but only that you would are open minded enough to see the whole picture. It doesn't matter who's fault it is or why she is leaving it only matters that they try to work things out through counseling or separation and counseling so that their son has a chance at having his world stay intact.
Hope it helps

jac