An arranged Disaster!

Well, I signed up for this to get some opinions on my situation. I must inform you that this is a strange situation for most people to understand at first, but I will try to do the best I can. I really need help with this situation because I just don't think I can make it anymore.

I am a 39 year old Male living in New York. I have three children ages 18 (son), 14 (daughter) and a 12 Year old (son). I love my children and would do anything for them. My two oldest were both on the High Honor roll in High School and my 12 year old does very well in school too. My oldest recieved an Academic Scholarship to a local college that he will be attending in the fall. They are very smart and very athletic children. I never had any problems with them thus far and hope and pray I dont in the future.

Here is my story: I was 16 years old and had just moved into a new town. I was a Bronx kid, born and raised. My parents decided to move to a very rich part of Westchester New York where I definately did NOT fit in. The only thing that helped me was that I was a very good aggressive football player. After a year in this new town my parents noticed that I had a few girlfriends. That scared them because we were Albanian and they insisted that I marry someone from my background. I didn't really care for that type of arrangement, but I had no say. I was 17 years old and in High School when my parents approached me one day. It was the summer and I do believe I was at the beach all day that day. My father came up to me and said, "Son, We have to talk to you!" I didn't think much of it since I was at the beach with my uncle all day. My father looked at me and told me that I was getting older and that I would soon have to settle down. I couldn't believe my ears.....I was just in High School and here he is giving me this absolutely rediculous speech, but wait it gets worse! He told me that on that day I was officially ENGAGED to a girl that was also Albanian. My head started to spin and it really felt like i was kicked in the gut by a Horse or Elephant. The pain was excruciating and I wanted to just cry. I begged them and pleaded with them to not let this happen, but they would have none of it. "You are the oldest son and as you do your brothers will do!" I wanted to die! How could they do this to me. I didn't need to be arranged! I had plenty of time for marriage and I had a great girlfriend. I was shocked that my parents without consulting with me would do this. I hated them and felt like I would never let this happen. They told me it was too late the engagement is official and there was nothing I could do. I was devastated by the news and I NEVER EVEN MET The GIRL.

It wasn't soon after at the age of 19 that they set up the "wedding" it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I was in my first year of college. I actually received an Academic scholarship to this School, but lost it after only my first semester. I just couldnt concentrate on school. I swore to them that I would never marry her and I would go to the ceremony so as not to embarass them, but I WOULD NEVER MARRY Her. I met "her" that day. I hated seeing her. She was nothing that I would ever want to have as a wife. Maybe it was because I just broke up with my girlfriend because I didnt know what was going to happen with my life and I didn't want her to go through this nonsense. I tried for a long time to end the relationship. I told her to go home. I told her I didn't think sshe should be here. SHe just brushed it off and said I am not leaving. She wouldnt leave because it would be an embarassment to her family. I was a college kid and most kids in town new I was "married" but I wasnt. I never made it official. It was very difficult at that time to even talk to a girl because they all said "oh Your married." I eventually slept with her after months of sleeping in the basement. I was a teenager, I had to have sex. I didn't know what to do. I was scared to go against my parents, I guess I just lacked the courage to leave.

I have told her from the beginning that I didn't love her. I have told her from the beginning that I was a weak kid at that point in my life because If i was the person I am today, we wouldnt be a couple. After having the three kids I vowed to be a great father. I always made it a point to be there for my kids and provide them with the things I never had. I wanted to be there for my kids so that What happened to me would never happen to them. I made sure I provided for them and I always made sure to be there for them. Every school activity, every high school football game or girls soccer game I am there. I never want to hurt my kids, but I am dying inside. I guess it hit me hard when my son graduated high school and was accepted to the same college I attended. It made me realize that 20 years have passed and I can't believe I am still in this relationship with a person I never loved. I must say I have dated many times and never tried to hide it. The kids mother has always known, but has never wanted to leave. I have paid all the bills in the house, her car, her phone, her insurance, EVERYTHING. She never worked because of the kids and even now that the kids are grown she doesnt work. I don't know what to do! I sit here and think how in the world can I let another 20 years pass with a woman I dont love, have never loved, and will probably never love!

Then leave ! I really do not see the reason for you staying .....

Stay in your childrens lives maybe even explain to your children about an arranged marriage you had but can no longer live that life.

Tell them how you would never put that on them because you are unhappy and would not do that to them.

Hello Only,

I'm with Tishie on this one 100% The one thing I can never understand is immigrants coming for a better life only to cling to their own culture to the detriment of the kids.

I'm really very sorry this happened to you, and it is a form of abuse in my opinion. When I think of my dad trying to talk me out of marrying, saying "It's not too late" just as we were ready to walk up the aisle..How I should have listened to him...

But this is you and I think that at this stage of life you should have some happiness, go and find it...

Rhiannon

Your story brought tears into my eyes.....I want you to know how deeply I feel for you.....This is horrible.....can't believe still in 21st century, these types of stupid stuff is happening....hate it so much....

You are very young....very young....now a days, people get married after 40...don't worry....you have three beautiful kids....and you sound a wonderful father to them....so....get out of this situation.....set yourself free....you have rights to do so....you have right to have that feeling of love....it feels like your wife has even forced herself on you, that's not fair either....probably, it would be good for her too, to figure out her life.....to understand that she has to do something for her life....

Again, set yourself free and find that special person in your life....It's so wonderful to have love.....It's so wonderful to get connected with another human being....It may take you a while to find that special person, but you are very young and you have lots of time to figure out....

set yourself free
with love
Marjan

I don't know; I think you may have a lot of resistance built up from what your parents did to you such that you have difficulty even thinking of your children's mother as an individual. She wasn't what you "wanted" when you were 17 and you haven't wanted to look at her any other way than you did then. I don't blame you but I wonder at all your dating and not meeting someone you would rather be with? I would decide to go one way or the other.

I would also try to talk to your children's mother, as an individual, one who has had her life perhaps even more affected by this than you were? She was not educated at all and has not been out in the world at all and has "no one". Why would she "go", WHERE would she go? It would be all humiliation for her and she has no resources at all except you.

I would not stay with your children's mother if you truly dislike being with her, if you have ever taken a good look at her and talked to her, as a person. I would arrange with her, if you can afford it, to split into two lives, to give her and you a chance to do other things that you each might like to do. I would not abandon her though, would try to help her, as she would like to be helped, maybe with schooling or some craft she enjoys or with moving somewhere she has friends or family who would love to have her. I would work on splitting up together so you don't have any sense of guilt when it is finished.

Thanks Perna for being such a wonderful person.....that's so true....you need to be fair to this lady who became mother of your kids, your beautiful kids....I kinda feel bad that I didn't mention at all about her....For sure, she has gone through a lot too....It's difficult for her as well to know that she's not her husband's choice.....and she has no where to go.....please be supportive to her.....

I would always be fair to my childrens mother. I would take care of her and would never turn my back on her. I do understand that she was also thrust into this situation, but she too has to move on. I am a fair man and would do whatever was necessary to maintain the peace and let her live a good life. THank you all for your responses.

Perna you've humbled me again. I am always in awe of your honesty and your level of natural intelligent compassion. I automatically presumed which is something we should never do, that she would enjoy her own life.

I think that way because I was so happy to get out of my marriage and when I hear of people being unhappy in a marriage I think they should leave it. Interesting how we transpose our own thoughts onto others situations...and I had been working on not doing that...BACK to the drawing board for me...

Thank you so much for your wisdom, compassion, tutelage and honesty. Everything I read of yours I learn from and I love to learn

Only,

I don't think anyone could have given a better response

Rhiannon