[beeutterfly]

Hey everyone, I just joined (hehe, my intro post hasn't even been approved yet, I hope this posts!) & the first thing that popped into my mind to write about has to do with my relationship & communication with my husband.

My hubby is the sweetest, kindest & sincerest person that I've ever met. We talk openly about our individual issues but seem to have trouble communicating with each other on our "shared" issues. Well, somewhat I guess. Enough for me to post this, anyhow.

My issue is this: When I am upset, for whatever reason or no matter how intensely or how much I show, his response is usually something along the lines of "It'll be ok, honey ..." or "it'll all work out in the end," or "I love you! As long as we have each other things will be ok." I don't doubt the sincerity of what he says one bit, it's just ... ah!

I've spoken to my therapist about this and her advice is to basically just tell him that I could really use more encouragement and (IMO) a generic type of response (generic being my word as I can't remember exactly what she said). So, I took her advice & the hubby & I spoke ... at the time it seemed to work, but now we're back to the "generic" responses again.

Any ideas on how I should approach him with this, yet again, or if & how I can deal with what he shells out?

[pandora11937]

Hi,
I think your partner's answers very kind and loving. It seems for him that as long as you have each other everything else pails out. It is also true that you long for more talk and sharing with the problem you are faced with. What about asking from him, after confirming his priority in your life, what he does really thing of the issue itself. Explain to him gently that being happy and lucky to have each other you are still not alone in this world. And so on, until he admits to the fact that life consists of many faces.

Kind regards, Pandora 11937

[Perna]

Hi, neiseluv, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). Sounds like you have hubby problems sort of like mine. I think it can take awhile to "train" them You have to keep speaking up. My therapist once listened to my complaints about how my husband did his chores and responded, "How long did his mother have him. . . And how long have you known him?" I got the message.

I have trouble with my husband because of our different styles; he is laid back and spontaneous and "solves problems" whereas I plan and like detail and lots of choices and agreement. We have a car in the shop getting fixed for a lot of money and, by the time the dust settled with what we should do (get it fixed, sell it and just have one car, "his" car, sell that car and buy another car, sell both cars and buy one new car, etc.) he was calling me/my ideas unflattering names and it took me awhile to think things through so I could let him know my brain storming ideas were not ridiculous versus his no input!

My guy has trouble too when I get emotional or, as you say, intense. Think about it though, how would you react if you had a sudden wall of fire in front of you? I think it's kind of like that for some people, an intense onslaught of emotion? When someone I care about gets angry I have trouble, or is upset and I can't think of a way to comfort them or what to say? What do you say to a crying baby? You rock them and say, "there, there, it will be okay" if you can't immediately figure out what's wrong or how to solve it? So, how should we treat our husband?

I think they need a little space. My husband is often complaining when I get intense that I'm too loud; I'm hard of hearing in one ear and do often get "louder" when I'm excited. We do tend to talk faster and say more. That's okay that we feel that way but I think, for our listener, we need to catch ourselves and slow down and think about what we want to say first.

I got tired of trying to pound through to my husband with my emotions so said my "don't denigrate me for trying to give you ideas when you have none of your own" speech and then made a list of 5 possibilities rank ordered according to what I'd like and gave it to him and told him I was "through" it was entirely up to him.

What I forget too is how much I feel I have "at stake" when I get emotional. I really want something. . . but why? That's another thing I need to remind myself of when I get so intense. Why the intensity? Does it really matter in the larger scheme of things if we have one car or two (we can easily get by with one; we're retired and are together 95% of the time) but I prefer having my own car. But how does that stack up with what would truly be best for the two of us? How much of my preference is just because it's "mine"? I ended up rank ordering what I wanted and giving it to him to decide what was best for the two of us. He had no real preference except the money situation; he personally has a harder time being in debt than I do.

Think about your husband's pat responses. They are kind of nice :-) How is it you feel your hubby is the "sweetest, kindest & sincerest person" that you've ever met? Because he says the sorts of things he says and they come true! What would happen next time he said "it will all work out in the end" if you suddenly smiled at him and said, "You think so? How do you think it will be, what do you think will happen?" Corner him into a deeper discussion Calm yourself down and state your fears and desires. My hubby made the mistake once of telling me he couldn't turn me down when I really wanted something. Sometimes he has a heck of a time resisting me, even when he believes what I want is not in my or our best interest. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because I do make decisions faster than he does; can "see" situations quicker and easier and without as many questions or explanation; at least I can feel sorry when I'm not frustrated :-)

So, what's happening with the car situation? My true number 1 choice (number 2 on my list :-) we're getting my car fixed. He's only getting fix what needs fixing now (it needs 4 new tires but we're not doing that now). My 5+ hours research on other cars that might suit our needs and our going to CARMAX Sunday (they're closed on Sunday, I didn't research that well) all for naught. We don't speak of the argument and his calling me unflattering names but I feel like I said my piece so I don't hold a grudge at all. I'm sort of glad he fought dirty so I got more practice on countering such aspersions on my character :-) and looking out for myself and self esteem. I know "my hubby is the sweetest, kindest & sincerest person that I've ever met;" sorry, haven't met yours yet.

[beeutterfly]

Thanks for sharing this story & for your advice; I will definitely be taking what you said into account when I speak with him.

[shezbut]

neiseulv,

I can understand your perspective very well. Different people have different perspectives, different experiences, and different coping methods than others. That goes with every relationship that we ever have in our lives. It would be great if your husband could "get" how low you feel. Fantastic if he actually understood the depth of your feelings!

It is very common for our partners not to pick up on the seriousness of our depression. People generally like others to feel better ~ it makes them feel good. Typically, when those "cheer up" methods don't work, they become a little irritated and confused as to why we're depressed.

Sometimes, bringing your spouse to therapy once or twice helps them gain a better sense of what's happening in our minds. That can be very helpful with some couples. Other couples drift apart on mental health issues. Others still try to do better with one another, but frequently don't understand what the other is saying emotionally.

Hopefully, your husband is in the first group. If not, the last one described. There are always groups that meet to discuss their depression. What works for them on getting through the lows. Buddies to call whenever they need a pat on the back, a shoulder to cry on, or a removed perspective to gain better sense of their world. These things really come in handy, whether your husband is willing to become actively involved or not.

I hope that that your hub is willing to try to gain a better understanding ~ he probably is. Maybe you just need to describe your thoughts and emotions with more descriptive words. Don't assume that he knows. While we may think some things are obvious and our partners know everything, so they ought to know ___, we're wrong.

Very best wishes to you ~ and welcome to Psych central!

[beeutterfly]

Yes, I have to learn to be more descriptive & patient with my words when it comes to describing how I feel to my husband. You're totally right though, taking him to therapy with me would be a great idea. Though, hehe, I'm kind of nervous about that! Thanks, Shez.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Patience is a virtue neiseluv, as Perna said you are training each other into communicating in a way that suits both of your needs. Rather than going for the pay off, try for clear communication that substantiates the out come required

He is trying to calm you and pacify you, it would be lovely if all men were like that
Then again some women love to toss a plate or two around the kitchen...and some men do to just quietly...

I hope you achieve your nirvana of communication,

Rhiannon

[beeutterfly]

Thanks Rhiannon, I hope so, too!

[cutlife]

Originally Posted by neiseluv

Hey everyone, I just joined (hehe, my intro post hasn't even been approved yet, I hope this posts!) & the first thing that popped into my mind to write about has to do with my relationship & communication with my husband.

My hubby is the sweetest, kindest & sincerest person that I've ever met. We talk openly about our individual issues but seem to have trouble communicating with each other on our "shared" issues. Well, somewhat I guess. Enough for me to post this, anyhow.

My issue is this: When I am upset, for whatever reason or no matter how intensely or how much I show, his response is usually something along the lines of "It'll be ok, honey ..." or "it'll all work out in the end," or "I love you! As long as we have each other things will be ok." I don't doubt the sincerity of what he says one bit, it's just ... ah!

I've spoken to my therapist about this and her advice is to basically just tell him that I could really use more encouragement and (IMO) a generic type of response (generic being my word as I can't remember exactly what she said). So, I took her advice & the hubby & I spoke ... at the time it seemed to work, but now we're back to the "generic" responses again.

Any ideas on how I should approach him with this, yet again, or if & how I can deal with what he shells out?

I do what your husband does with my girlfriend. She is in a very stressful situation and often she'll be upset. I don't know what to say. Often it's over things that I know we can handle. I want to express to her that it's not the end of the world, whatever the issue, we'll be OK. I'll be there for her, no matter what and we can work through anything together.

How can I give her more encouragement without it sounding like a generic answer? I would do anything for this girl.

[beatbyadifferdrum]

husbandshave a "Man Job" to do.....
Fix their wife's problems.
instead of being understanding and offering opinions of what might help they either make light of it or go into a temper tatrum.
"its going to be alright in the end" is a cop out.
Try giving him an illusion of being in control and ask him to give advise as what he would do in your shoes.

[imatter2]

My husband suffers from "I must fix it" syndrome . Sometimes it drives me up the wall! I don't need him to "fix" anything - me or the problem at hand, I just need him to validate what I'm feeling and that my method of "fixing" (the seemingly endless research, etc - just like you described) is just as valid as his method of "take the bull by the horns and git'er done." I think things through as best I can, he acts without thinking it seems sometimes. What I want, what I need, what I crave is simple affirmation that though my method may be different, in the end we get the result we both desire. That I neeeeeeeeeeeed to talk things through with him WITHOUT platitudes and empty reassurances. I'm working on figuring out how to effectively communicate that to him. I have a hard time bringing up anything that involves spending money we may not recoup (or have covered by insurance) because I know money issues are his biggest stressor - see my "finances and communication" post! But i feel like we could really benefit from couples therapy, or at the least I could benefit from individual therapy. Just so darn expensive . But I feel like I lack the tools to tell him and get it through, what I need.

Oops, it seems like I've just gutted out on your thread... sorry... I identify with your OP so much it really just strikes such a strong chord with me. I'm so sorry you're going through the same issues, I truly understand how much it blows. I don't have solutions but I can offer ((( hugs ))) to you neiseluv. The others have had much wise advice.