[kelleygreeneyez]

Hi everyone,

I'm a new member (just posted my hello in the newbie section a few days ago) and I have a question: are any of you in a long distance relationship? If so, what are your experiences?

I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years (we've been friends for four). My fiance is from Germany and I'm in the midwest USA. He is dealing with depression and, although he knows he needs to see a doctor, he's struggling with a perceived stigma that he believes will go along with finally taking that step. Instead, he "caves," sometimes for several weeks at a time which is so frustrating/worrying for me because, with us being 4500 miles apart, there's not much I can do other than wait it out. Thankfully, he does resurface eventually. We talk it out, generally with him walking on self induced egg shells because he's so worried that I'll get sick of the dark days and walk away.

Do any of you who have that experience - I don't know what you call it... caving, shutting people out, hiding - ever feel that way? Is there anything I can do to help him understand that I'm committed to him even when he's feeling weak? And what can I do to help myself keep from getting pulled under when I miss him during his caving phases?

I'm hoping to hear about others' experiences - perhaps some suggestions and/or ideas for coping tools in LDRs when one of you is suffering from depression, too.

[RomanSunburn]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!
Well, I am not in a long distance relationship any more, but I was in one with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We did Washington, DC to the Midwest, then Massachusetts to Germany (he studied abroad), and then Massachusetts to the Midwest, and then only a three hour difference while both living in Massachusetts. Now, we're living together in the Midwest.

I also have depression and an anxiety disorder, and probably a couple other things going on, but I'm not exactly sure what. My boyfriend has never been to a therapist or been diagnosed as anything, and for the most part is healthy and happy. There have definitely been times where he's been depressed but not clinically, and of course, everyone gets stressed!

I've never had to deal with him pulling away for extended amounts of time or me doing that to him. My big problem, which I shamefully acknowledge and fully regret, was I could never let go of issues that happened to us in the past, would pick huge fights, and tell him I wanted to break up pretty regularly. It was completely ridiculous because as soon as I stopped fighting with him, I regretted everything I said and done and walked around on eggshells trying to apologize for a few days. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on this, and since I moved, I know I need to find a new therapist to continue working on these issues.

Enough about me, though. How much time have you been able to spend wit him in person? Are you guys able to talk on webcam? When you get married, are you planning on living in the US or in Germany? Do you have an end date for the distance?

I would suggest trying to tell him that when you don't get to talk to him for an extended period of time, you really worry about him, and that you would appreciate it if he would just let you know that he is okay. He might be thinking that by not telling you when he is depressed, he is saving you from any pain or worry, but that really isn't the case. If you try to explain that to him, while also explaining that regardless of how he is feeling about himself, you will always love him and care for him, he might try to talk to you more while he's depressed for your sake, at the very least. Make sure he knows that you're not going to leave him, since that seems to be a huge fear for him (it was one of mine, as well). Perhaps send him cards and notes, maybe a little care package or something with things that cheer him up.

If you guys are planning on living together here, maybe he won't feel quite so much stigma as he does in Germany. At the very least, he would have a lot more anonymity here simply because he doesn't know anyone, and if he really wanted, he could simply tell people he needed a therapist to help him adjust to the move.

Until you can be with him more, I would just keep trying to be supportive and loving, and even when he's not talking to you, keeping sending emails or letters or something every so often, so he knows it's safe for him to come back to you and that you are not judging him or loving him any less. On your part, I would try to keep a journal to vent my thoughts in. Also, remember to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating healthy and getting exercise (these things really do help!), and spending time with your friends. Don't stop having a life of your own because you're on hold waiting for him to come back. Do not beat yourself up. This is really his problem, inside his head, not any reflection on you or what he feels about you.

Lastly, try to remember that when you two do start living together, all of these problems are not going to magically disappear. I kind of let myself think my problems would, but they didn't. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, a lot of fear my boyfriend will still leave me, and I still pick those stupid fights (though the break up threats have gone down a lot). Some days are really hard, and I wish I could just change myself, but overall, I'm really glad we're together and very thankful he hasn't left me. Yes, it was worth it.

You guys have been doing this for two years and you're engaged. You two are committed to each other, and I truly believe you two can do this.

Good luck! I'm sorry this got so long, but I hope I was able to help you a little.

,
Ro

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Kelley,

Sorry hon to me a LDR is sex in a king size bed

[mysecretname]

Hello Kelly,

I have been in LDR for most of my dating and married life since I am in the U.S. Army. I lived in Germany for three years and have two deployments (currently in my second). I have to say that everything Roman said is spot on. Keep in mind that it isn't your fault and you haven't done anything wrong, if a journal is not your style I would suggest a blog (there are plenty of free sites, try blogger.com it is easy). If you had a blog then he could see how his disappearing affects you and the hurt and worry you are going through when he drops off the map. The key to that would be you would have to be honest in your blog and say how you feel, not hold back because he might read it. Aside from that, what Roman said is true, let him know that you worry and it hurts you when he disappears on you. Ask him to at the very least give you the courtesy of letting you know he is still alive by send you an email or text every couple days or everyday. It wouldn't have to really say anything, just "Hey, I am still here" and that would significantly lessen your worry and also provide an opening or stepping stone to maybe see if he will start to confide in you more...

With my girlfriend, I ask the same thing of her. If we are fighting or she is depressed and doesn't want to talk to me, I just ask her to let me know she is still breathing so that I can know I still have my loving beautiful girlfriend to come home to. Usually when that happens she will still write me a couple of paragraphs and it opens up the lines of communication to get more started. That is all I can think of to help for now... Keep us updated on how it goes, what works and what doesn't so everyone can learn from the situation...