[chrissyd]

I have a few problems in my relationship with my SO. But I guess first I should lay out my personal problems first.

About 3 years ago I really started my self exploration. I am a perfectionist and this used to be a HUGE obstacle for me. I had such high expectations for myself that I wouldn't do anything because my best wasn't good enough. Basically my mentality was this: If I didn't do it (homework, projects, hobbies, housework, etc) then I couldn't be criticized for doing it wrong. Really unhealthy. I found a very good website/program to help with that. I definitely don't procrastinate as often and feel a lot better about myself in that respect.

Onto a separate issue: Because of my family situation I've begun to harbor a lot of ill feelings. Resentment, jealousy, hopelessness. My SO has full custody of his two kids. Their mother is still in the picture, but doesn't really make herself available to the kids often. I think SO expects me to step into that role, and as much as I would like to, it's not just possible. A) They have a mother, even though she isn't very good to them and B) I just don't have that sort of bond with them. This is one of the things that bothers me: he has in the past used my relationship with the kids as justification for US not to have any. So basically because I do not FEEL like a mother to them (even though I do motherly things for them), then I would do the same for my own child. Or, conversely, he thinks that I would stop devoting ANY time to the other two, and play favorites with my own.

SO and I have talked about marriage, especially in the past year. We've been together for 4.5 years and in that time he's healed tremendously from his divorce. He used to be very emotionally distant from me. I think he was just trying to protect himself from being hurt again. In the first year or so he would always leave himself a way out of the relationship. If we had an argument, he'd tell me to "Get out of his house". No longer OUR home, even though I had lived there full time taking care of him, the children, and the home. I realized his reactions to a lot of things BACK THEN were just defense mechanisms and they didn't really hurt me. No matter what, I never left him.

Nowadays, even though we have our problems, he doesn't say things like that anymore and he tells me he loves me.

Unfortunately, now that I "have" him, it makes me feel strange. I mean, I wanted to help him heal and to show him that he IS good enough and lovable. I don't exactly feel like I've "conquered" and now it's time to move on. It's more like I don't want him to depend on me so much, I guess. I don't really know how to explain it. All I can say is I feel like I have to push him away. And to push him away I have to hurt him.

So, it's like this: When we get too close emotionally, I say something completely unwarranted, and usually totally mean. It hurts him (and usually he will react with anger), and he withdraws from me. Then I feel relieved, but that's very fleeting. Next comes shame and that stays for a lot longer.

I really don't get it. We really do have a good thing going, yet I feel like I should sabotage it.

Whew... long post, sorry about that. I think it's kinda all over the place too, but if anyone is confused I will clarify. Really just emotionally exhausted right now though... Thank you for listening.

[Perna]

Hi, Chrissy. It sounds to me like you aren't quite sure of yourself in this relationship.

I was a stepdaughter and am a stepmother; I understand what you are saying about his children, I have three stepsons and feel somewhat similarly about my husband's two grandchildren. His ex-wife is in the picture too and I bow out somewhat when "real" grandmother is around.

But the lean on thing reminds me of when my husband got hurt while out exploring with his youngest son, back 23-24 or so years ago and came home and "confessed" to me he had gotten cut badly and showed me a tear in his arm. He kept apologizing but said he wanted me to decide what to do (whether I thought he needed stitches) and that he trusted me and my opinion and didn't know himself.

I was awed that he was asking me (I'm 7 years younger than he is) but because he trusted me, I stepped up and gave it my best shot. See, I trust him and his judgment so, that he was trusting me and my judgment. . . I had to trust me and my judgment

We know so much but don't give ourselves credit for that but I can tell from your post that you sort of know your worth and what you are capable of and yet you're afraid and pushing him away because he's depending on you "too much".

I don't know the exact sorts of situations you are thinking/speaking of. But next time I would try to remind myself, before you say anything, that you can handle yourself and have been helping him all this time. I don't know if you are resisting because you want him to be more in control of his own life or because you now feel he is okay and should always be okay and it scares you when he's not. But I think you have a "distance" control thing going on that you need to explore for yourself. I don't know if you might do better talking to a therapist or something or if you can work on it yourself but sort of sounds/feels to me like you are afraid you will get too close. That, too, could have a little to do with why you don't "commit" to liking/caring about the children for their own sake. It's convenient to say they have a mother and I really do understand that feeling but if you were a teacher, say, you would care about some children more than others, etc. and they would all have mothers. There's something there for you and me I think that has to do with committing to someone when we may not get back the same closeness or think we may get hurt. If I love and know myself well, I should be able to make that commitment for myself and deal with whatever pain comes back.

Did you see "Good Will Hunting"? The scene where the girlfriend tells him she loves him and he rejects her? How do you feel about that? It's sort of like that; if/when you can "deal with" putting yourself in that situation in the moving and feeling it, then you might be able to risk with your boyfriend and/or his children.

[chrissyd]

Thanks for your reply, Perna. Some of the questions you brought up have caused me to think a little more about why I'm feeling this way.

I do know my own self-worth, at home anyway. My SO has been through a lot with his divorce and ensuing custody issues. For 3 years I've been putting aside things I wanted to do for myself so that I could take care of them. At the beginning of this year I plan on doing one of those things; I'll be going back to school. SO is so very supportive of this and he's very excited for me.

But anyway, I understand what you're saying about trusting yourself, especially when another person puts their trust in you.

That may very well be the issue here. I don't fully trust him. I trust his judgement, yes. But I don't trust that he will -- or is willing -- to give me everything I want or need.

Some history: When we first began our relationship (would say after about 5 months dating) I knew that I loved him and that I could definitely help him heal. He was so burned by his ex-wife that he was not interested in a long-term relationship. No kids, no marriage, just dating. Forever. Well, that changed with time and a lot of patience from me.

So now we are at this point: He talks about marriage sometimes, and really does bring up our "golden years" a lot. He likes to talk about what we're going to do, what our own home will be like, things like that.

But I honestly really think that he's content with this situation. He has me to do all the wifely and motherly duties, and he has his two kids. I could not tell you with complete certainty that this will change. He wants to wait on finances. Says we can't get married unless we have so much money, so we have to wait. And about the baby thing: I find myself REALLY jealous of him and his ex. They have both experienced the one thing that I really do have a lot of drive for. And I kinda feel like the chance is being taken from me.

Do I think he would try to back out of this relationship? No. I think maybe sometimes he doesn't think I'm worth the risk.

So, yeah, I do feel like I have a distance problem. I'm pushing him away before he has the chance to disappoint me, I guess. But I really, really don't want to leave. He is exactly what I wanted for a husband and I'd be lost without him. I guess "taken for granted" was what I was looking for when I wrote the first post (I wrote it at about 2 in hte morning!) I've given a lot of myself, but haven't even gotten close to what I want out of life. But pushing him away isn't going to get me there either.

I just really don't know how to solve it, though.

Thanks again for listening. It helps so much just to be able to SAY this stuff.