[bptoo]

I have a family reunion of sorts at my youngest sister's house this coming Saturday. It will be all members of my side of the family, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. My oldest sister has also said she will be there; she has said she would be at every reunion we have had, but has never shown.

I haven't seen my older sister Karen for, in my best guess, 27 years. She kind of disappeared out of the family's life back then when she married a very rich man and her lifestyle changed drastically. She became a party animal, had a big house, drove fancy cars, had a few kids. And she just cut off all ties with the family, no calls, letters, nothing. As her kids grew up we would hear about her thru them. She eventually even all but cut off the ties with her own kids. Her daughter told me recently that it took her 3 weeks to fit a 15 minute visit into her busy schedule to come and see her first grandchild. She doesn't know my kid's names, hell, she probably doesn't even know that I have kids. Karen eventually divorced the first husband, got quite a nice settlement, and then married another guy who was also very rich from what I've been told. This whole time she continued to drink quite heavily, following in my Mother's (and my) footsteps. She went thru another divorce and re-married, but this time to a regular Joe, nobody rich I guess. But her kids say she had a ton of money by then. The final tally is that she's married and divorced six times. My younger sister was able to finally get her phone number about 5 or six years ago (she is persistent) and calls her 2 or 3 times a year just to check on her and always invites her to the reunions. As I said, she always accepts but never shows. I've always been left with the feeling that all her money made her feel superior to us, and to spend time with us was beneath her.

Well, she again accepted the invite to this get together. But my younger sis says that it's very different this time. Karen has been calling her asking what she can bring, telling her how excited she is about the whole thing, and acting very out of character. My younger sis really thinks she is going to show. And she thinks she knows why. Her daughter called recently, it seems that the last hubby took Karen for all she had and left her high and dry. All of her friends (read drinking buddies) have deserted her and she's all alone now. She lost her house and her car and is living in a pretty bad neighborhood in a one-bedroom apartment driving an old beat-up car. So now she has nothing and nobody and needs her family.

I'm not asking what I should do here. I know what to do. I should be an adult and let it go, take the high road, be the better man, let bygones be bygones. My question is, how? I am literally brimming with animosity and dripping with distain for this woman. When she had everything life had to offer, she treated this family like we were second-class citizens. But now that she is down on her luck, we're supposed to welcome her back with open arms. I've always considered myself to be a forgiving person, but I don't know if I can do this...

Does anyone have any suggestion on how I can survive this? I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to pretend that everything is just fine.

Zen, I hope you don't mind that I kind of singled you out here, but I know you've had trouble with your sister too and I was hoping you might be able to impart some wisdom my way.

bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[mj14]

bp, my entire family is a wealth of pain caused by one member against another. And I have at various times in my life held a lot of anger toward members of the family for things they did. The thing that has really helped me deal with it was to realize that they only did these things because their own lives were totally messed up. Even though your sister may have had all the material things life could offer, your story about her tells me that she sure didn't have a very fulfilled life. Her marriages never lasted, and from the way you describe her "friends" they were rather shallow, empty relationships. Perhaps her isolation from the family comes from a fear of any truly intimate relationship in her life. After all, she didn't just isolate from the "poor relations", she also isolated from her own children.

You said she has recently lost all of the material, shallow, surface things she had. Sometimes, that kind of loss causes a person to reach out to the one group of people who can never really sever their ties to you...after all, even though you can run away from them, family is always family. Sure, maybe now she needs you, but maybe she really needed you all along, and it is only now that she realizes it.

I don't know your sister, so I can't really know what motivates her. But maybe this gives you a way to think about her that makes it easier for you to see her and be civil toward her.

Good luck.
mj

[jsc1972]

bptoo...
sounds like she never attended reunions before because she never wanted anyone to know how miserable she really was. maybe mental illness is also a factor? alcoholism is an illness. people will do anything to escape their pain. even when not drinking, one can be a dry drunk who still remains sick.

trust is the issue here. if you want to be honest with her and yourself, tell her you don't trust her. but don't end it there, try to say something nice....leave the door open for her.

i personally think LOVE is more important than PRINCIPLES. be flexible and allow people & relationships to grow.

<font color=purple> But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one:
men know him not and to know not is to care not for.
Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897 </font color=purple>

[bptoo]

mj and jsc,

Thank you both so much for the responses! You said some things that I definitely needed to hear. I know that right now I am anger-driven and I don't feel good about that. I should be more understanding of her and what she's gone thru and I'm hoping that when the time comes, I'll be able to reach deep inside and extend my hand to her. Maybe this is so hard for me because my younger sister and I have been thru so much together, had our fights and falling outs, but we've managed to maintain our bond and stay close. As brothers and sisters we should have stuck together.

A functional, happy family has become so important to me as an adult because I didn't have one as a child. I try to stress the importance of family to my children. I'm hoping that they and their children, and their children's children will grown up knowing how priceless it is to have your family close to you.

So, I will do my best to cope with this reunion. And if something happens to trigger anger in me, I'll take a walk or a drive, or talk to someone instead of venting my anger and ruining it for everyone. I need to set an example for my kids.

But I do know that someday I need to ask my sister why she chose to shut us out of her life. I guess now just isn't the time.

Thanks again for your feedback, I really did need to hear it.

bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[heidu]

Bptoo,
Family tension and reunions should be outlawed. My personal opinion.
After reading your post I can understand your hurt and anger towards your sister. It's a tough call. You don't know how she will be or what you should do or say.
I believe in honesty. I don't know that the reuinio would be the best time to hash out the issues but it will give you a semi-safe environment to feel the situation out.
It may well be that now she is seeking pity that is not deserved but at the same time she may have hit her "rock bottom" and this is her way of mending broken relationships. She may have realized what she has done. If that's the case you have to give her credit for facing the family.
Alocoholism as you know is a terrible things which can make people cold, cut off and selfish.
I really wish you the best at the reunion. I know it will be tough but you will have the support of other family there with you. I hope in the end things work out however you would like them to. It sounds to me that you in some way would like for everything to be okay someday between your sister and yourself. That says alot about a person when they are willing to forgive the unforgivable if possible.
Take care!!
Heidu

[Zenobia]

sorry it took me a couple of days to see this message. I had my parents coming over and you know how that is for me.

Ok, I am like the worst person to ask insight from but here you go...
I have not talked to my sister in almost a year. I am pissed off at her and every time I write her a letter it is so brimming with anamosity I tear it up and throw it away because that is not who I am. Now I keep asking myself why is it that I am so angry, is it because of her stabbing me in the back a year ago or is it because I still carrying the fear of her I have had since I was a wee one. I have not found the answer yet. I do my best not to think about it because there is something about snubbing her that bothers me deep down inside but at the same time I think she needs to be...punished? Anyway you look at it I lose. I feel bad for acting out of charector and I feel bad because I can't make her pay enough which bothers me because it makes me sick to think I am so petty. So I ask myself "what would happen it I just let it go?" I don't have to be buddy buddy with her, I don't have to be her friend but if I could just drop this desire for some sort of vengence what kind of change would take place in me?

I know this isn't any kind of answer to your post but I am as lost in this as you are. Take care, good luck. Now I think I will read everyone else's advice and see if it would help me.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud

[Zenobia]

Well, I read them. Sounds like the common theme is empathy. Try to understand what it is that drove her to do the things she did then maybe you will feel a little more kindly toward her or at least a little more understanding. I will have to think about this.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud

[curlyq]

To me, BP, it sounds like your sister has been running from life itself for a long time. You mentioned she has always partied and drank a lot. We know really happy people do not do that. She may have been avoiding the family because she has been avoiding all of her issues.

Now, on the other hand, I have a relative who mostly ignores me and I went through a lot of pain wondering why and even trying to get him to communicate with me. I realized one day that he has very little contact with most of us and I think because he cannot face his family of origin issues right yet. After I realized that I didn't feel so hurt anymore as I realized it was him with the bigger problem and not me.

Hope I make some sense. Not sure if this fits but it's all I have to offer right now. Take care.

<font color=purple>Peace to you. CQ and the babies.</font color=purple> Please come visit my site: <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.freewebs.com/healthboards/>http://www.freewebs.com/healthboards/</A>

<font color=green>"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all."
- Laura Ingalls Wilder
</font color=green>

[bptoo]

Just wanted to give a quick update...

My brother-in law went to pick my sister up so she wouldn't have to use her own money for gas to get to the reunion. She said she was very grateful for the offer and would be ready when he got there. When he arrived to pick her up, another woman answered the door saying she was her roommate and that my sister had left about an hour earlier saying she was going to visit some friends and wouldn't be back until late...

Another no show, and inconvenienced my B-I-L in the process. I was ready to try to get along with her and see if we could have a relationship. Now, frankly I don't care if I ever see her again. I know that sounds cold and I hope you all don't think less of me for it. It's just how I feel...for now.

bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[Zenobia]

*Zen shakes her head* I was trying to write my sister another letter, trying to be empathetic and understanding and a bigger woman the she is. It sits unfinished in my journal. I just can't get past the first three lines. When I try to be nice and patch things up I make myself want to puke. So no I don't think any less of you.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud

[heidu]

Bptoo,
Not disapointed at all. Sometimes family can just be one big bucket of disapointment sometimes. It's not your fault and you have a reason to feel the way you do.
Sorry it turned out that way.
Heidu

[Dorian]

Hello, I am new to this board but not to the situations that are going on in our world today. May I sugest you try putting the horse before the cart, upon her arrival simply
hug your sister and then look her in the eyes and say,
" it's our turn now " no matter what she's done, as long as your both still alive, theres still time, don't wait till the final
reunion, trust me I've been there, my heart goes out to both of you . . .