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I want to know how to handle something so that if it happens again I can deal with it, and hopefully avoid it anyway...

When I was in high school, (about 18), there was a lad in a few of my classes who I didn't like because he was so pompous and annoying... sometimes he would sit down in the chair next to me on purpose when there was nobody else in the room and hug me tight... from the side on. I don't like hugs in real life anyway and it scared me and I didn't know what to say to him or how to stop it because if I said 'Stop doing it' I had no way of enforcing what I said... he was taller than me and heavier and so my movement was restricted... I could only tell myself that it didn't mean anything because I'd heard rumours he was gay (never found out if that was true or not)... so I'd like to know if there is any way I could prevent this or anything similar from happening in the future...

one way maybe that would work is if you said "look, i'm really not comfortable with you hugging me so please don't." you shouldn't have to enforce it, like a rhyme that one of my friends likes to say:

"my body is mine from my head down to my toes
please leave me alone when i tell you NO!"

((((((silver))))))) i've known people who do this too. i generally try to shrug out of that uncomfortable embrace and step away back to a personal distance i'm more comfortable with. if that doesn't work, then i tell them what i said above. if -that- doesn't work then i avoid their presence altogether. for someone you can't avoid... perhaps if you can anticipate the gesture and move out of reach before they can complete it then it will work.

i hope that helps.

-shadow

((((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))))

simply say "stop it, i don't like that, don't touch me, i never asked you for a hug, etc." if the person doesn't listen, you make noise to gain others attention, and then report!

good luck sweetie. i hope that doesn't ever happen. also, you could check into some self-defense classes? that would be great for a young woman living on her own...and very empowering!

kd

I panic, holler & sometimes strike out unexpectedly whenever someone hugs (and sometime touches) me unexpectedly.

Irrational & overblown behavior can be a great deterrent to repeat performances.

I absolutely hate hugs....period. I'm still trying to figure out why. But if I am uncomfortable with someone hugging me then I ask them to stop. I guess there are times when you just have to be very straight forward.

Thanks for your advice, Shadow and Kimmy. I will try being more assertive in the future... just in that situation there wasn't much I could do and I think he knew i didn't like it . I'm not sure about the self-defence classes, I checked up about them a fewyears back but I decided against them, can't remember why now, but i think that at university i might be able to manage it, i think they do free classes there... plus it would help my depression and make me get out. but telling the person that what they are doing is uncomfortable to me is a good start, I think.

I'm a public school teacher and we have "no touch" policy. If a student did that in our school, and the other person wanted to report it, it would be treated as an infraction. It is also "inappropriate" touching, and the young man would get a lecture on sexual harrassment!
Seeker

((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))))

NOW THAT'S SOME GOOD THINKING! you go girl!

kd

I like that saying, never heard it before, but it really is good and to the point.
Thanks for sharing that with us
DE

I think almost everyone has a "people comfort zone", mine is about 3 to 4 feet away from strangers, minimum, and 2 feet with those I know and feel comfortable with.
If someone were to get too close,provoking,making unwanted advances,making me uncomfortable by invading my space,it would make me nervous but if I got up the courage, I just might try saying, "excuse me, but you are invading my people comfort zone, I suggest(or appreciate)you back off, thank you". Or if someone were to sit down alongside of me, and I felt leerie, I'd quickly pick myself up and move on. As some have suggested here, it is also a good idea to say things like that or just NO, loud so those around hear that and bring attention to the situation.
Lots of luck, warm wishes for you and safety.
Take care now,
DE

(((((((((((((((( silver )))))))))))))))

I usually try the nice approach first, basically telling them that I do not appreciate their hugs & please don't do it again. If at first you don't succeed, try again. The next time I get a little mean & ask them if they didn't hear what I had said before or whether they just chose to ignore me.....then say DO NOT HUG me again!!!!!! I don't like it!!!!! Usually the second time gets through to them.....but if it doesn't, then I really set down the law. I tell them if they don't stop harrassing me I will take action with the authorities (of where ever I am....like teachers in school or the administration).....telling the person that you will no longer tolerate their behavior ever again. Hopefully that will get through their thick head...& make them understand that you are not joking or kidding around about it.

If that doesn't work, then the action with the authorities is necessary & maybe a swift knee where it hurts will remind them that you are serious. Hopefully it will never go that far...& the suggestion to avoid the person before it ever gets to this point is probably the best solution.

Debbie