[Muser]

I think I posted under this title once before....

People say trust is a gift. OK....I'm a giver.

My hurt was not so awful we couldn't move past it but i my opinion... moving past it is just that....it's not really getting over it. As must as I do to distract and involve myself in other things my head has an "auto-rewind" I can't get rid of.

Pain in the neck...

[FeelingHopeful]

Do you want to talk about it Muser sometimes talking helps.

[Muser]

Thanks FeelingSad. I have in the past. I know you can't always go by the book but I read that if you've told 3 people you should be duly validated.....anything more than that is dwelling.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Muser

Thanks FeelingSad. I have in the past. I know you can't always go by the book but I read that if you've told 3 people you should be duly validated.....anything more than that is dwelling.

Wow!! That sounded harsh and ungrateful and I didn't mean to. I appreciate your kind words, FeelingSad. I'm sorry...it's just my mood....

[FeelingHopeful]

I Dont think it sounded harsh it sounded honest and i appreciate the honesty sometimes moods are hard to shake for various diff reasons and its nice to be able to talk vent cry or whatever i see your having a tough time and i know sometimes it hurts to feel alone so i just wanted to say if you want to vent im a good listener

[Belle1979]

(((Muser)))

True trust has to be given not earnt. You have given it back and that's a brave step to take. Deep down I think you know he wont hurt you like that again.
I think that a "link" is broken when the trust is broken... you end up for ever wondering, checking and watching.
I have no idea how to get past this LOL but I am a true believer of TALKING (which you do know ). Get everything out of your head and hopefully the times where you feel this way will be less frequent.
It takes time to heal.. time for the ego to fix itself, time for the self confidence to come back xxx

Wishing you all the joy and happiness in the world!

Bel

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

It takes time to heal.. time for the ego to fix itself, time for the self confidence to come back

Here's a big "hell ya" to that one!!

[Naturefreak]

Your thoughts need to be rearranged like mine . You have to learn to trust people until they break that trust , and then your'e trust issues are strenghtened again. Find what makes you untrust , and verify it , otherwise they may be only make believe.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Naturefreak

Your thoughts need to be rearranged like mine . You have to learn to trust people until they break that trust , and then your'e trust issues are strenghtened again. Find what makes you untrust , and verify it , otherwise they may be only make believe.

This is very true, Naturefreak. My thoughts are the problem. How did you rearange your thoughts? What was the process?

To use a metaphor that was given me....each link joins the other. If you remove one link then chain is broken. It takes an action as you say to repair/replace that missing link....make it whole again.

A person's ego can be fragile due to their past and previous hurts which unfortunately can cause a minor thing to seem huge. Letting it go is the goal. Controlling my thoughts....I'd love to. That is my desire. I wouldn't call the untrust "make believe". Exaggerated maybe.

It's the "how" I don't have. If my head was a chalkboard and I had the eraser in my hand....the "delete" button....believe me I would.

Retrain my brain how????

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by Muser

This is very true, Naturefreak. My thoughts are the problem. How did you rearange your thoughts? What was the process?

To use a metaphor that was given me....each link joins the other. If you remove one link then chain is broken. It takes an action as you say to repair/replace that missing link....make it whole again.

A person's ego can be fragile due to their past and previous hurts which unfortunately can cause a minor thing to seem huge. Letting it go is the goal. Controlling my thoughts....I'd love to. That is my desire. I wouldn't call the untrust "make believe". Exaggerated maybe.

It's the "how" I don't have. If my head was a chalkboard and I had the eraser in my hand....the "delete" button....believe me I would.

Retrain my brain how????

Still working on it , just like you ..... sorry

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Naturefreak

Still working on it , just like you ..... sorry

Sorry.....? Because you're still working on it? It means we can work on it together

My thought this morning was to take on something new....something I would enjoy instead of always being available to those I feel "are too busy for me." I have some vet-tech training. I may see if I can get a part time job at the vet clinic or animal shelter. It might help fill the void I feel from the loss of my companion dog (my fish don't like to hug) and fill my head with something other than my worries. I work full time so this would definitely make me less "on call" for everyone else.

If you have any other suggestions....things you might be reading or what ever....I'm open.

Thanks

[Belle1979]

I lose myself in books.. books that I read when I was a child. Fav series is by an australian authour that I met as a child through school.. they are fantasy - something I usually have no interest in.
The obernewton chronicals by Isobelle Carmody

[Muser]

I'm telling you...we are always thinking alike!!

I just now....before I read this...ordered a book from Amazon.com called "HOW to GET YOUR HUSBAND to LISTEN to YOU" by Nancy Cobb....

(also a fantasy... sorry guys)

[Belle1979]

Kindred sprits

Based on my experience, it is not surprising relationships are so challenging. That said, I have been blessed with knowing some wonderful women who have made significant contributions to my life. What troubles me is the constant comparisons. Women can do this, this and this better. Men always, never, generally blah, blah, blah forever.

History tells us men have treated women far too often without the respect women are entitled to, and worse. The disparity in treatment continues to this day. Am I a suspect person because of my gender? Do all men need to be changed or trained? Does no husband listen to his wife?

I hope your book brings spousal enlightenment, Muser, and with it the confidence to trust again.

[madisgram]

muser, can so relate to your trust issues. idk but therapy helped me deal with this a lot. some of the solution is setting boundaries with others. then if trust is broken we need to assess if the offense is (1.) totally unacceptable or (2.) if we are willing to accept what happened-we all are not perfect-...(that doesn't mean either to forget the transgression 'cause we learn from things) and try to rebuild the relationship. i was told to be cautious with the offender after that if i chose to continue the relationship. that doesn't mean being paranoid, just careful to protect myself and feelings.
does this make sense? hard to write a short post sometimes.
as for ruminating on it...that keeps you in the past...don't i know! have u discussed this with the other person? sometimes that gives clarity and also allows us to express how it made us feel. then hopefully one can build on that with the other person.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by madisgram

muser, can so relate to your trust issues. idk but therapy helped me deal with this a lot. some of the solution is setting boundaries with others. then if trust is broken we need to assess if the offense is (1.) totally unacceptable or (2.) if we are willing to accept what happened-we all are not perfect-...(that doesn't mean either to forget the transgression 'cause we learn from things) and try to rebuild the relationship. i was told to be cautious with the offender after that if i chose to continue the relationship. that doesn't mean being paranoid, just careful to protect myself and feelings.
does this make sense? hard to write a short post sometimes.
as for ruminating on it...that keeps you in the past...don't i know! have u discussed this with the other person? sometimes that gives clarity and also allows us to express how it made us feel. then hopefully one can build on that with the other person.

Makes perfect sense, Madi It all makes a good deal of sense.

It's the "ruminating on it...that keeps you in the past" that has me trapped.

Forgiving is in my nature. I am cautious. The hurting part I understand. Forgiveness isn't a big mystery....they're sorry, I get that. Believing I am worthy of the regret they promise?? .....dunno....

Could I be loved enough to deserve reliable assurance .... a guarantee, or pledge, with sincerity such as what was given "You won't be hurt again."

The core of my problem...and I tear as I write....is that I fear am not that loved How would I know if I was?

[Belle1979]

(((((muser)))))

How could anyone not love you - believe me you are totally loved.
You know that you partner does love you.. it's the "baddies" (as Tom named my negative thoughts) in your head.

I understand how you feel. Keep talking my friend and get the thoughts out of your mind.

[lissangil]

I appreciate this thread very much.Thank you all.

[madisgram]

well that too is a good question, muser. "how do we know we are loved/not loved?" humm. one of the ways to know we are loved is does the other person show in their deeds that they value us in their life? in other words actions speak louder than even words. (you know my situation with family so that is a question i had to ask myself recently.) there are different degrees of love. but of course you are worthy of being loved!!! what i've found is that it's like a scale...meaning where are the other person's priorities and where do i fit into that list? so often times we are loved just not to the intensity of other ppl in that person's life. but we are all worthy of being loved unconditionally i might add.
if you received an apology it sounds as tho that person cares very much for you. we all make mistakes. perhaps they realize they did. so then you can rely on trusting them to a degree. benefitting from what you now know, you can be cautiously optimistic they are sincere. in my case i've determined without an apology from the other person and their ongoing unexpected hurtful behaviors that i choose to not expose myself to this person because they do not value or respect me. i do not want to be blindsided again. but that occured over a long period of time and experience with that person.
in your case it may have been an unintentional error on their part. i'd give them an opportunity to continue being around you. just be cautious so you do not expect too much in return.
but never forget your value in this world!!! there is only one you and there is so much to be loved. just surround yourself with ppl that love you unconditionally as you do them. that is the key cause we're all human and make mistakes.
hope this helps you.
ps sorry for the long post!

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

(((((muser)))))

How could anyone not love you - believe me you are totally loved.
You know that you partner does love you.. it's the "baddies" (as Tom named my negative thoughts) in your head.

I understand how you feel. Keep talking my friend and get the thoughts out of your mind.

Well....thank you. That makes me feel loved and yes I'm sure "most" days he does.

"baddies" ...I'll have to remember that. Tom is a wise man

My whole life I've had a hard time believing in myself...that I was lovable. Some of that comes from my childhood and maybe some from my experiences. I've always been a bit timid. I don't want to lay blame but my Ex was very good at reinforcing any insecurities I had.

My job now is to learn (sense) I am loved.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by lissangil

I appreciate this thread very much.Thank you all.

So glad to have you with us, lissangil

I WANT to trust.It is so painful to not be able to.Was engrained at such a young age.I am also a wretched borderline.Feels like a death sentence.I WILL heal.I WILL grow.WO.olf

[Muser]

Originally Posted by madisgram

well that too is a good question, muser. "how do we know we are loved/not loved?" humm. one of the ways to know we are loved is does the other person show in their deeds that they value us in their life? in other words actions speak louder than even words. (you know my situation with family so that is a question i had to ask myself recently.) there are different degrees of love. but of course you are worthy of being loved!!! what i've found is that it's like a scale...meaning where are the other person's priorities and where do i fit into that list? so often times we are loved just not to the intensity of other ppl in that person's life. but we are all worthy of being loved unconditionally i might add.
if you received an apology it sounds as tho that person cares very much for you. we all make mistakes. perhaps they realize they did. so then you can rely on trusting them to a degree. benefitting from what you now know, you can be cautiously optimistic they are sincere. in my case i've determined without an apology from the other person and their ongoing unexpected hurtful behaviors that i choose to not expose myself to this person because they do not value or respect me. i do not want to be blindsided again. but that occured over a long period of time and experience with that person.
in your case it may have been an unintentional error on their part. i'd give them an opportunity to continue being around you. just be cautious so you do not expect too much in return.
but never forget your value in this world!!! there is only one you and there is so much to be loved. just surround yourself with ppl that love you unconditionally as you do them. that is the key cause we're all human and make mistakes.
hope this helps you.
ps sorry for the long post!

Not a long post, Madi...I love what you have to say. You always make me think and in a constructive way.

The offense was a minor one I think and not intended to cause me hurt.....but it did. I just dwell and dwell because I am so insecure. I got immediate and unequivocal assurances that no harm was intended and that in no way would it be repeated. I have been given abundant evidence that this is true and none to doubt it.

So, that being said....it is as you mentioned before....it is ME hanging on to the event. I'm trying to figure out what I am gaining by doing so. There must be some pay-off.

I have in the past avoided contact with certain individuals that cause me pain. This is a relationship I intend to maintain. It is as you told me... I can't change what is, but I can change how I deal with it.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

I WANT to trust.It is so painful to not be able to.Was engrained at such a young age.I am also a wretched borderline.Feels like a death sentence.I WILL heal.I WILL grow.WO.olf

Childhood experiences can and do wreak havoc with our heads. Like Madi said.... we can cautiously forge ahead. I wondered how some people could behave the way they did toward me. It made me doubt myself. But then there are the others....others that are so kind and loving. There are people on PC and in my life. They are there, if I don't trust them I will never get to experience these good things. Small steps....

You will heal. You will grow...