What to do

I have been with my ex for almost 5 years now-after 25 years apart.Months ago I found that while on a business he took pics of a gogo girl and sent them to a friend-also he got went to the Hooters Casino while he was there-we got coupons in the mail-the same day I found out he has been to Hooters several times-that I didn't know about.The worst came months later when I found videos-seconds long on his phone-girls in shorts were on both-one walking a dog and the other he focused on swomeones rear and you can hear him say "Id like to f-- that".I was/am devastated by all this and his answer is it was stupid sh-- and we need to move on-he wants to be with me.He's 51-Im 49.I cried and hurt bad enough from just the pics and to have him do worse(videos) makes me doubt him all the more.Am I crazy to think that there is likely worse thats gone on and I am an idiot for hanging in or could it all just be stupid sh-- as he says.Please give me some imput!!!

Hi, Lost, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

How if your relationship normally? I think only you can tell if you enjoy being with your guy and how his behaviors influence you/your life together?

I've been married to my husband 20+ years and we go to Hooters and both "enjoy" the girls there. But we are comfortable talking about Hooters and looking at Playboy or other magazines together or just discussing what we like/don't like. I think your guy is pretty immature with the photos/videos, he's not 18, but if it were my husband, I'd shrug because I know my husband and what he likes and what he's doing/thinking. If it said it was "just stupid sh--" that's what I would believe.

But you have to look at your relationship and try to separate what you like from what your ex might like (odd to me that you refer to him as your "ex", as if you're not sure you really want to commit to this relationship?). We can't really change another person's preferences, they might be able to but we'll drive ourselves and them crazy if we try to dictate how they behave and what they're supposed to think and feel?

Perna...thank you for the reply...I guess my problem is that this actually is my ex we are back together after 25 years-he had a bad drug problem and he did cheat on me then-he can't remember alot of what he did back then-PCP was his favorite drug.
I guess that the problem for me is these females are all around the same age as our daughters(we each have 1 by our second marriages)the video was actually taken on a trip to see his mom with his daughter.He travels alot and he drinks-not always to excess but alot-everyday at least beer
I mean we are 5 years into this now and like I said I found out all this he never told me about any of it.Would the comment that he made on the video bother you? I am guessing since you said you'd been married 20 years we are perhaps close to the same age?
Again a million thank you's

Does he know that it's against the law to film people (particularly women), without their consent? Particularly footage that is sexual in nature. What he is doing is voyeurism and very exploitive, he needs help.

I can garrantee you that the girl walking the dog would not have appreciated it, nor would the woman whose tucchas he was filming without her knoweldge. It is as I said illegal and can bring him the title of sex offender and he will be marked for life as every sex offender should be.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. And his comments show that he has only thoughts of his own desire and no respect for you as his partner, and he needs some counselling in that regard.

I guess I may be being harder on him than others would be, but I consider his actions to be highly predatorial, violative and sexist.

I do hope you are feeling ok and that you can get through this. It's a very difficult thing to go through and I know that you feel just as voilated as those women would be if they had known what he was doing.

It's a violation of trust for you, not only of your relationship but of his respect for you that he wants to violate that woman physically.

I am here if you want to talk privately,

Rhiannon

Rhiannon...alot of people see it all as "guy stuff" and he'd swear till death that all the Hooter visits were-for the food. He was with his son,19 and his daughter even went with the both of them once,it seems that they grew up going there(the ex-wife attests to that).The video made me feel like I'd been run over and left in the street-and I found that after the pics so he had to know how bad that would hurt.We did go and see a counselor but hearing him say those words on that tape haunt me.My heart and my brain have been fighting since,I have cried more tears than I can tell you.I could just walk away if I knew he had made any physical contact with someone else.I almost feel like I should hire someone to test that.Is that a terrible thought?? thanks for letting me vent.Tried to send you a private message...got lost