Relationship Trouble (Borderline Personality Disorder)

Hi Guys,

So, I'm in a relationship with a pretty amazing girl. She seems to be absolutely great for me. She's passionate, artistic, loving, and caring... most of the time. We started dating in June under one of the best of circumstances. I knew her from before she's a best friend of one of my best friends. We weren't set up - we kinda just fell in love.

The only problem was that she lives almost 1000 miles away from me (she moved from the same town as me about 1.5 years ago and was visiting for our mutual friend's wedding when we started dating). We had an amazing first few weeks together, then she had to go home, and I had a job across the country for a couple of weeks during the summer. Then I visited her for a month in August, and that was absolutely amazing.

Pretty early in the relationship she told me she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I didn't think much about it, because she seemed absolutely normal. Now, it's really getting to her - she's feeling worthless and for almost no reason and she has nightmares almost every night (none of this happened the first few months of our relationship). I bought a book on BPD, and I'm in the process of reading it.

Now, here's the real trouble. Prior to our relationship, she was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. She was in love with him and he did not love her back (at least he never told her "I love you"). Finally they split up and didn't speak for the entire summer (while we were dating). Then at the end of the summer, he called her and apologized for everything and told her that he loves her (for the first time). (Keep in mind that while he's doing this, he was in another relationship). Initially, she denied any advances he made to her for the sake of our relationship (by this time, we had admitted we love each other dearly and we were never going to be separated because we're so "perfect" for each other). Finally, unannounced, he appeared at her door (he also lives 1000 miles from her). She couldn't turn him around because he drove all the way and she felt bad, so she let him stay... for almost a week. During this time, he manipulated her and somehow dug up old feelings and she called me telling her she needs time alone to decide whom she would be with.

Naturally, I was devastated, but I talked to her on the phone telling her how much I love her and telling her that I would never break her heart and she knows I can promise that because I never broke her heart before. She started to come back to me. When her ex got home, he called her, saying that he was in love with his then-current girlfriend and that they're soulmates and he needs a lie to cover up why he took the 1000 mile trip. She was so angry, but decided to help him anyway and apparently fixed their relationship. She and I became perfectly fine again, probably the best we've felt about our relationship. Then the Ex broke up with his girlfriend (supposedly) and began pestering my girlfriend again with "I love you"s and "We're soulmates"s. She again refused all these advances, and I kept telling her that it would be a healthy decision to stop talking to him - however, I did not force her to do it. She didn't stop talking to him - she has a hard time letting go of people from her life.

Now, it comes to the present:
He takes advantage of how she won't stop talking to him and keeps pestering her over and over. She remembers all the times he's hurt her. She knows I will never hurt her. But, he seems to be pushing the right buttons. She wants to hit him. I want to hit him. He's being obsessive, not romantic. But, whatever he's saying, it's bringing back old feelings ONCE AGAIN. Here's the cherry on top: last night he arrived at her house unannounced again. I love her dearly, and I don't want her feelings to get crushed again. Yes, I know I should worry about myself first, but I just can't see her get devastated again. I could have broke up with her the first time this happened and I didn't because that's how much I love her and she appreciated it.

We talked this morning, and she's not happy about his visiting. I told her that the strongest thing she can do for herself, her ex, and myself is to ask him to leave. I'm afraid it's going to go through the same cycle as before. Will the cycle ever end? Why do people like her Ex exist? Why are they so persistent? And why is he winning? Or do I just think he's winning? How much of all these emotions she's feeling has to do with her condition? What should I do? I'm supposed to visit her for the first time since this past summer for Thanksgiving, but her Ex might ruin our relationship before that, and I cannot visit her before then.

I love her so much.

As you know, this story is all from my perspective.

Thanks you guys for all your support, and if you read all that, I appreciate that you read my story.

If she were not allegedly borderline, would you still remain this lenient with her? You are coddling her, and in turn enabling this behavior.

She is likely relishing in this attention her ex is giving her whether she admits it or not. Especially if borderline is her problem.

Does she have a therapist?

Thanks for the response!

I honestly would probably remain this lenient with her even if she wasn't borderline. I'm really not the controlling type, and I like to give suggestions but never make decisions for the other person. I know that this isn't healthy for me or for her. But I don't know how to convince her to stop talking to him without sounding manipulative or controlling.

She used to have a therapist, and she hasn't been on medication for 8 months. I would suggest this to her, it's just that our communication has been nearly completely stifled because of her ex's visit. I feel helpless that I cannot do anything except wait. He knows about her condition, but I don't think he knows anything about it.

Hi Neo21802,

I'm not sure if your post is for only men to respond (since it says "Hi Guys"), but I thought that I'd offer my perspective anyway. Yes, I'm a woman.

I agree with Soul Quake. There has to be a limit to your acceptance of this behavior. Especially if your gf does have BPD. I have BPD myself, and can tell you that an important component of a healthy relationship stems from continuity. You have to have limits, not only to protect yourself emotionally (and physically, in some cases), but also to make yourself more steady and dependable. Like kids, BPD's tend to push and push until we find the limits. Once those limits are found, it kind of gives us a sense of safety. Hard to describe, but I'll try.

With BPD, I have a tendency to mistrust people. Particularly men. I have a habit of giving then man everything he could want, in hopes of obtaining his true love and devotion. He may say that he loves me ~ I could even see it in his eyes. Yet, I still believe that he won't always be there for me. I find myself getting into quick moods in which I can become verbally cruel ~ these are all times in which I am feeling very vulnerable. And my instinct is to push him away. If that doesn't work, or he even holds on more tightly, I instictively pull away even farther. I cannot emotionally handle the pressure of being held tightly when I'm in that fear mode. The more he holds on, the more I step away. And push him away at the same time. Very painful!

Does that make some sense to you??

The point is that it really helps both my bf and I that he has limits. He isn't going to egg me on when I'm feeling scared. He'll be there for me, but I need to be the one to open up when I'm ready. My bf just kind of steps back and lets me know that he's always there for me. That helps us get through my paranoia a lot quicker.

My impression is that you may have a tendency to develop relationships with women who are needy. You like to give. And that's very sweet! But, you have to find some self-love too, just like us with BPD.

Thanks Shezbut for your post. No, I didn't mean for only guys to respond :P I usually say guys when I'm addressing a crowd.

The only thing is we have a long-distance relationship. We talk once maybe twice a day on weekdays because we're so busy. Sometimes for not very long. I've only physically been with her twice in our relationship (the first time for a few weeks, the second for a month). We've sent each other letters, packages, all kinds of stuff. I feel like limiting her from so far away isn't fair to her. But, maybe you're right and I should still do it. While we're away from each other we agreed that we'd focus on our jobs and classes, so noone feels stifled or TOO free.

Should I tell her to stop talking to her ex? That is... if the current situation gets resolved in our favor...?
And how should I go about doing it without sounding controlling or manipulative? Or making her angry? Like I said, I've kindly suggested that it would be beneficial for everyone if she did stop talking to him. It would help our relationship. It would help her ex get over her. Her best friends advise it so her too, but she lives so far from them that she shuts them out of her life when they say things she doesn't want to hear.

Now that I type this, I make her sound very lonely. She moved away only 1.5 years ago by herself away from her best friends. And I think she is lonely. I try to make her not lonely, and BPD can only make the feeling of loneliness worse. She has friends where she lives now - great ones - but they don't REALLY know her. They don't know about her condition. She doesn't like to talk about her personal life to them. Do you think talking to her ex is somehow making her feel closer to home?

Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just typing what comes into my head. It makes me feel better. :\

It is tricky to hold onto long-distance relationships. There are a lot of barriers between you. I haven't ever been in a long-distance relationship, myself, so it's tough to imagine what the best thing to do would be.

You talk with her daily ~ which is nice. But that sure isn't the same as actually being there. Since you both have told one another that you love each other, have you made any plans for the future? Is there a plan to meet in the middle, or for one of you to move to the other's area? Have either of you brought it up? If so, who? Do you both agree on the outcome?

I think that it would be entirely healthy and fair for you to tell your gf that you feel uncomfortable with her ex in the picture. I'd advise you to word things very carefully: I feel ___, I am afraid of ___, etc. Meaning, tell her how you feel. Focus on your feelings and thoughts, being careful not to imply any assumptions that the ex or your gf may be doing ___. Otherwise, people automatically jump into defense and arguments quickly become intense.

Hopefully, your gf will listen to how you're feeling. You miss her. You want to see her again. You want to be closer (physically and emotionally). Whatever. The point is how YOU feel. Perhaps just sharing this with your gf will be what you're both needing. Intimacy. If your gf were to say that she feels the same, etc, maybe then you could bring up how you're feeling about her ex being in her life. That it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared of losing her, and you don't want to feel this way anymore. What can be done to make these bad feelings go away? Something that she could respond to ~ with reassurance. Working through things together is very healthy for the relationship.

That's my advice. Hope that it wasn't too long or confusing for you. Best wishes!

Thanks again Shezbut for the response,

We have talked about the future. We planned on getting married, and we planned on eventually moving to somewhere in the Pacific northwest and own horses. We basically had our lives planned out to some extent. And I looked forward to it and she did too. We planned the next few years out too. I would move in with her for 1.5 years between undergrad and graduate school. Then I'd go to a school near her, or we'd move together to a city with a school, depending on what's available job-wise for her. We both brought it up. It was a very mutual decision. And we were in love with the potential future together (I'm not sure if she feels that right now given the situation).

I have told her that I feel uncomfortable with her ex in the picture. I actually did exactly what you said, being careful not to imply anything. I especially didn't because I trust her. Even now, I trust her. Her ex is visiting her and I trust her not to do anything. I told her I was afraid of him breaking her heart again. I told her I was afraid of him manipulating her again. I did tell her how I felt.

She really hates ending friendships. And I witnessed this with one of her friends who really treats her badly and unfairly. I told her that she should just stop talking to her (it was a lot easier to tell her this because there is no implication of jealousy or something). And she couldn't end it. Until her friend ended the friendship. I dunno, even if this whole thing turns out in our favor, I don't want to force her to end all communication with her ex. And I know that until he finds another girlfriend (which he clearly did this past summer) he will pester her. I just want this cycle to end.

Shezbut, I did everything you said the last time this happened. And she absolutely reassured me. She told me it wouldn't happen again. She told me she loved me forever. But, it did. I'm not in a place to point at her, yell at her, and say, "BUT YOU SAID _____" because that doesn't matter. What matters is what is. I want to save our relationship, but I hate getting hurt. I want to save our relationship and know for sure that this won't happen again.

We talked today for the first time in 2 days for about 10 minutes this afternoon. She told me she needed space from both of us. She told me she needed time to figure out exactly what she wanted. This is exactly what happened the last time he came to visit. I suppose this is a good step. It's just frustrating that it only took her ex's constant manipulation of her to question our relationship. The power he had to do something like that to something so special. It makes me want to hit him because clearly what he's doing isn't fair. It makes me want to hit him that he's hurt her so many times, and I wouldn't even DARE think about doing some of the things he's done to her. I hope she realizes that I'm the one for her. I guess there's nothing I can do but play the waiting game.

I have my first appointment with a therapist because I believe I might havd BPD. I have been reading up on it and a lot of it seems like experience I have had.