[HANAMAN]

Ok this is my first post and i need help, its hard to no where to start...
Me and my wife are going through a very tuff time, we seem not to be able to communicate any more. She tells me its my fault and i tell her its her's.i'm reading a book on relationships at the moment and it's clear its down to both of us.
The problem is my wifes controlling, watching what she wants on tv, telling me were we are going at the weekend etc, most of the time this is ok but recently she had her sister staying from sa...i over heard them talking about me and putting me down, i have a weight problem and i'm doing the best i can to keep my weight in check but my wife find this funny. I can give has good as i get but recently my wife has become lazy, i work full time doing a 8:00 till 8:00 job and my wife works part time, i'm still expected to cook for the kids, wash and iron my of clothing etc, but she calls me when i don't do things for myself, most tmes when i come home from work she either asleep on the couch or busy watchin tv and we can't talk till her programmes finish.
We are currently going through a no talking or communicating part of the agrument, she'll not talk to me now for 3/4 or 5 weeks, than it will be up to me to apologies and make up, we have been together for 18 years and in all that time she has never said sorry for anything she has either said or done.
I have recently admited that i'm a bully. I answer her back and make slight comments that put her down, i'm trying to stop the way i feel but i think its sometimes a result of the way things are. I have never and would never hit her, i'm better then that but its coming across has 1 sided relationship.
She has recently told me that she leaving taking all the money, and kids and that i what see her again again a very unfar statment. Please give any advise.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry you're going through this and welcome to PC. Since your wife seems to be controlling you, putting you down, expecting you to cook/do your own ironing and threatening to leave - I don't see where you're the bully. How old are your kids?

You both need to sit down together and nicely discuss whether you both want to be in this relationship - if you do, then maybe you can both can get into relationship counseling. You can also look up 'fight fairly' websites but you both need to be willing to use the tips.

If you both don't want to be together - she can't just take all your money - that's a threat. In that case you need a good lawyer so you can assert your rights as a father and disperse your assets fairly. It's sounds to me like she's taking advantage of you.

[HANAMAN]

Originally Posted by HANAMAN

Ok this is my first post and i need help, its hard to no where to start...
Me and my wife are going through a very tuff time, we seem not to be able to communicate any more. She tells me its my fault and i tell her its her's.i'm reading a book on relationships at the moment and it's clear its down to both of us.
The problem is my wifes controlling, watching what she wants on tv, telling me were we are going at the weekend etc, most of the time this is ok but recently she had her sister staying from sa...i over heard them talking about me and putting me down, i have a weight problem and i'm doing the best i can to keep my weight in check but my wife find this funny. I can give has good as i get but recently my wife has become lazy, i work full time doing a 8:00 till 8:00 job and my wife works part time, i'm still expected to cook for the kids, wash and iron my of clothing etc, but she calls me when i don't do things for myself, most tmes when i come home from work she either asleep on the couch or busy watchin tv and we can't talk till her programmes finish.
We are currently going through a no talking or communicating part of the agrument, she'll not talk to me now for 3/4 or 5 weeks, than it will be up to me to apologies and make up, we have been together for 18 years and in all that time she has never said sorry for anything she has either said or done.
I have recently admited that i'm a bully. I answer her back and make slight comments that put her down, i'm trying to stop the way i feel but i think its sometimes a result of the way things are. I have never and would never hit her, i'm better then that but its coming across has 1 sided relationship.
She has recently told me that she leaving taking all the money, and kids and that i what see her again again a very unfar statment. Please give any advise.

The kids are boy @ 15 and and a sweetgirl who's 9, I love my wife very much but i don't believe she thinks the same about me. We are currently going to Relate (UK) but on the first visit my wife painted a picture that i'm a bullying husband, I was accused of making her life and our marriage diffecult.
I told the consultant that the first step to saving the marriage is for me to admit to my problems and deal with them head-on, but what about my wife. She believes that she has done no wrong which is upsetting.
i don't no if i should make the first step and end it all, move away and get a rented house and see how things go. would it be better to cut things how before it get's messy.
i'm having work related issues, not sure if i will have a job in the next couple of months, on telling my wife that things are not good at work my wife told me that if i lose my job then its the end for us.
you said that its best for us to sit down and talk, should i hold back or tell her that her actions and mine are driving us apart???
thanks for the reply

[HANAMAN]

Originally Posted by HANAMAN

The kids are boy @ 15 and and a sweetgirl who's 9, I love my wife very much but i don't believe she thinks the same about me. We are currently going to Relate (UK) but on the first visit my wife painted a picture that i'm a bullying husband, I was accused of making her life and our marriage diffecult.
I told the consultant that the first step to saving the marriage is for me to admit to my problems and deal with them head-on, but what about my wife. She believes that she has done no wrong which is upsetting.
i don't no if i should make the first step and end it all, move away and get a rented house and see how things go. would it be better to cut things how before it get's messy.
i'm having work related issues, not sure if i will have a job in the next couple of months, on telling my wife that things are not good at work my wife told me that if i lose my job then its the end for us.
you said that its best for us to sit down and talk, should i hold back or tell her that her actions and mine are driving us apart???
thanks for the reply

OK, another day without communicating (day 9), she's just blanked me and has gone out with freinds.
just found out from my son that when her sister was visiting, he over heard them talking and putting me down, what should i do???. do i ask my son what has been said or do i let things go.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

[salukigirl]

I'm glad to see that you care and are feeling bad about your comments to your wife. Right now I am on the receiving end of those mocking and backhanded comments (including flat out name calling) and it's hard to believe he actually feels bad about it. He claims that it's like things just come out without thinking and half the time he doesn't even remember saying or doing those things.

personally, I don't understand the exact mechanism behind them but I know it is a defense mechanism. Clearly at some point there was a breakdown in communication without nipping it in the bud. That just leads to resentment on both parts and automatically jumping to defensiveness because everyone is just assuming it will turn into a big argument and nasty comments.

The big thing now is whether these feelings can be combated. At some point there is no return and it's up to you two to decide where that point is. I know it's easier said than done to actually express your frustrations and concerns about jobs, money etc... but that really is the start of it. If communication is what started these feelings of resentment, then communication is what has to fix it.

I'm glad you came here for help. We are always here to listen or talk, whichever is needed at any time. And you have already helped me in my situation without actually realizing it! I hope everything works out with you and your wife. Keep us updated.