I have no redeeming qualities

According to my father, I have no redeeming qualities and my sisters want nothing to do with me. I am trying so hard to understand this. I yearn for a family like my friends and cousins have. The siblings look out for each other. They get together on holidays. Sure they may argue, but they have each others' backs. They love and care about each other.

In my family, no one will RSVP for a Christmas dinner gathering. God forbid I should ask "are you coming" and if so, what will you bring? so we can coordinate the menu. How many times have we have multiple mashed potatoes because no one would respond? My sisters have told me they really don't like our family and don't like to participate in gatherings.

I am the only one who tried to keep some semblance of family togetherness. My mom and I were the ones who did it until she died. When she died, one of my sisters left the church and went home. My friends were horrified that she didn't come back to the house (either before or after the funeral or any time between mom's death and the service). When I asked her years later why, she said "no reason, I just didn't want to." And she said mom's death was "just the circle of life." She wasn't particularly phased by it.

Mom's assets included a house that my father lived in until 2 years ago. My sister is the trustee. She did nothing about the house after my dad moved into a retirement community. She wouldn't take any action to either rent it or sell it. The real estate market then crashed. She still wouldn't take action to lease it, although I offered to do all the research and work. She refused. Finally, after a lot of pressure to do SOMETHING, we found a realtor and listed the house. This is a house that my father designed and built and lived in for 20+ years. My sister left the country and the realtor called with an offer. It was unbelievably low. I said "no" and she said "well, we have to counter." I had to find my sister, who had not told anyone she was leaving the country even though she was the only one who could legally make decisions about the just-listed house. My father finally tracked her down with my help. The "offer" was only good for 8 hours.

My sister sold the house and never negotiated nor informed my father or me about anything. My father had specifically requested to be in the loop. Her only communication to him was to call him and say "I have good news and bad news...the good news is the house is sold. The bad news is the price was low. I didn't want to go back and forth with negotiations."

I found out the house was sold (after months of blood sweat and tears getting it ready and being the contact with the realtor) the day before the closing. I got an email saying "leave your key under your mat because I need it for the closing." And I will stop talking about the house now. But she has devastated and betrayed my father and shown huge disregard and disrespect for him. And the same to me.

I went out one morning a few years ago and her car was in my driveway. I tried to call her, and couldn't get an answer anywhere. The car was there for 2 weeks. I live fairly close to the airport, so she had decided to park her car at my house and take a taxi to the airport. She never asked, never told me, nor left a key.

She has called me a "manipulative *****." I asked her why she thinks this (truly bewildered) and she just screamed at me that I have no self-awareness...blah blah blah. I truly have no idea what she's talking about.

We always have Christmas together. It's the one time a year we get together. It's always Christmas day. Last year, we all got an email invitation for an open house on Christmas Eve. It said "come if you want to, and if you don't that's fine" (how welcoming!). Basically it meant she didn't want to spend Christmas as a family. She didn't talk to me or my other sister or my dad to coordinate a family plan. So nobody ended up going. It was like a passive-aggressive act.

Anyway, my dad told me my sisters don't like me for many reasons. He has reached out to them to suggest that I need support (depression) and he said my one sister "isn't interested." The lack of family support, and it was so glaring, was actually a huge factor in making my depression worse. I was dealing with a lot, and when no one offered to visit or go to lunch or even talk to me, it was like a knife in the heart. I can't understand such lack of compassion.

My other problems, which are "just a few" because he didn't want to overwhelm me, are:

1) I am late. (true, it's depression related, and I am working on it. But I have never made anyone miss a plane or event. I am just usually late to family gatherings by 15 minutes or a half hour. My sisters have been known to do the same, but no one recalls this, it's just me who has the late problem.

2) I am a control freak. yes, I like to plan things, like who wants to come to dinner? RSVP please. Who's bringing what? Let's take some action on the house. I also asked my dad to let me know when he drives a 2 hour trip to see his "friend". He's 82 and I asked him to let me know when he's away so if anyone tries to reach him, we are aware that he won't be home. (His own father was found dead on the floor of his house and had been there for a long time; you would think my dad would understand this?). It's not like he has to ask permission, just send an email or let someone know. I don't know what else they think I need to control. I am a control freak when something is important to me, but I don't have any idea what examples they are referring to or how I have negatively impacted anyone so significantly that they would hate me.

3) I have an attitude problem. Yes, I tend to be negative and try to foresee what might go wrong and prevent it. I am judgmental, but to my family I am loyal and supportive. The example I got is that I have never liked any of my bosses. While it's true that I have hated my most recent ones, one of the prior ones is a dear friend. Besides, so what? I actually am working on things being "good enough" but why would a family hate another family member for this?

My father asked me "do YOU take responsibility for alienating your sisters?" I am frankly in shock at this point that my sister sold the house an no one knows for how much and she kept it all to herself and hurt my father. I didn't even know how to respond to that question, I just felt that I wasn't going to argue that I have virtues and that my sisters have faults as well.

I am beside myself that I have no family.

My father looked hurt. He asked if I thought that family counselling would help. I said it would have to be with an independent counselor because no one would trust mine. But I told him I don't think my sisters would participate. The sad truth is I don't think they care about my father (and defintely not about me, maybe if I wasn't involved they would).

My father, who is a very difficult man, looked so hurt. It was killing me. So you see, I do have some virtues even if no one acknowledges it. I am a loving and compassionate person. It just isn't possible that I could be such a horrible person to warrant alienation from my sisters.

I just don't understand. And I have no idea how to make this better. I don't even see a reason for this ridiculousness. I miss my mother.

I'll be honest with you, I could not read your whole post. It's too soon after my own mother's death and the fiasco of "family matters" that ensued and still, a year and half later, are not fully settled. It's not unusual, it's just heartbreaking for those of us who care about family.

boodles, i am sorry for your difficult family situation. from reading your post it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of codependent behavior on your part. have you read up on that at all or considered going to co-dependents anonymous? i think it could really help and would provide some much needed support for you. it sounds as if you are trying to hold together a family that doesn't want to be held together. it is time to let go and let everyone live their own lives. you absolutely can't change others. if your family will go to counseling then i think it could be quite helpful but it will no doubt be difficult. good luck.

JD, I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

bloom3, it's interesting that you deduced codependency. I don't know that much about it, but am surprised by your conclusion. I don't doubt you are on target, I just don't know why. I will try to research the subject and ask my therapist about it. The list of labels just keeps getting longer

sorry to hear about all the troubles with your family. just remember that even if things arent going your way you still have good qualities and traits. in time your family issues will work out for the best of everyone

boodles, try not to worry about labels. some people find them helpful to get a handle on what they are grappling with and others feel stigmatized by them. so, if they are starting to overwhelm you feel free to throw them out. you're still you and you do have redeeming values. here is a brief description of a couple different types of codependency.

i come from a pretty dysfunctional family of origin as well. i spent about 6 years in adult children of alcoholics even though i'm not from an alcoholic family. aca has a lot of good info on family dynamics. you may find this description of the various roles that family members take on to be helpful. i found it to be a real eye opener. people can take on more than one role too.

it sounds like you are in a really painful place but one where you are now willing to make changes. while it may seem like the door of your family life has completely closed it may be that you will now find a different door opening--one where healthier relationships are possible. this isn't an ending but a new beginning.