[Midnightmoon]

My boyfreind says that he is at the end of his rope with my emotional freak outs. I feel very abandoned by him a lot of the time when he is late or doesnt' call me. So I get really angry and yell and cry and otherwise blame and get upset. I have trouble controlling this and it says it pushes him further away from him. How can I control myself and my emotions? I've tried calmly telling him that I want him to communicate more when he is going to be late or don't be afraid to call me if he needs to change plans, but he doesn't call to change plans because he doesn't want to hear me freak out. I just want to be ok so I can hold a normal relationship. Any advice?

[boodles]

Hi Midnight. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

I used to do this with my ex's. The thing was they were late, and they were inconsiderate. And I did freak out. And that did probably push them away.

BUT, these guys were poor choices for me. I kept thinking by "correcting" them and trying to change them, things would be better. But you can't change someone else. I enabled them, and then if they pulled away, I desperately repressed my feelings and stopped complaining so I could "get them back." But I was hurt by their lack of consideration. If he says you are pushing him away, that may be partly true, BUT if he often is late, doesn't call or is otherwise unreliable, why tolerate that if it causes you pain? YOU CHOOSE whether to remain in a situation or not. Again, you can't change him. But you can accept that it causes you more angst than it is worth and move on. I know this is much easier to say than do.

I am reading a book about codependency right now to better understand and hopefully change my own behavior. That's what I gleaned from your posting - a possible codependent issue.

[madisgram]

midnight welcome to pc! i was thinking when i read your post that if we aren't secure in our own skin then we seek outside ppl to define our worth. your bf sounds inconsiderate but also i feel you are insecure. i'd not sit and wait for him and i'd plan to do other things when he doesn't show up. sitting around adds to your anxiety about your relationship with him. if he doesn't show or call make yourself somwhat unavailable and get on with your life. if it were me even if i'm irritated i wouldn't let him know. he doesn't care if you are upset. i'd consider him not being my bf. consider this behavior as the tip of the iceberg about his being so inconsiderate of others. clearly he thinks himself so important that he feels he doesn't owe any explanation for his behaviors. i'd drop him like a hot potato but that's just me. i do believe tho that you deserve more than he can offer you.

[Midnightmoon]

He said that he forgets a lot and thats why he doen'st call til later. I also have to learn to take what he says with a grain of salt, you never know what will happen with him in his busy life. Like yesterday he said he was going to go to his friends for a couple hours then....left it open ended like we were going to do something. But then end up calling me at 6 at night telling me he is going to stay where he was at. I think I expect to much, when he said he was going to his freinds for a couple hours, I guess I assumed that he would spend time with me after that, with out even confirming that. So it is a bit of him being inconsiderate, but also me being a bit selfish thinking the world revolves around me. I just started therapy a few weeks ago and we have just barely touched this subject. She is helping me understand that we are human. I also have to understand that my boyfreind is going through a lot also trying to get back on his feet financially and can't be there for me as much as he used to be. It is kind of uncharacteristic of him, only the past month or so while he is trying to get his life back in order. But it doesn't help matters when I freak out like that.

What is the book you are reading boodles?

Thanks for all your help, this is nice meeting other people with similar issues to talk to.

[boodles]

Midnight, the book is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Someone on this forum referred me to it.

wishing you the best....

[RomanSunburn]

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that I also have emotional freak outs with my boyfriend too. Whenever I feel like I'm being abandoned, left alone, or unsafe, (this frequently happens when he falls asleep at night for whatever the reason. Not quite what you're going through, but the feelings are the same, I think). I haven't really figured out what to do about these. I've been reading books on borderline and I'm also working on Codependent No More and Letting Go of Anger. I also just started with a therapist a few weeks ago, and I'm not at a point where I feel comfortable telling her about my freak outs, but hope to be able to bring it up soon. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I think these feelings do come from ourselves (especially mine) and us not being secure in who we are and our self worth. In your boyfriend's case, it might be that there is more that he could do to help you feel better and thus he is being inconsiderate, but at the same time we have to remember that we are responsible for how we feel. I really struggle with these things. I would suggest looking up information on mindfulness and DBT skills (acknowledging a feeling, naming it, and the letting it go... Much easier said than done).

Good luck and take care!