[Missquestions]

My boyfriend is Jewish and I am Chinese, I am not religious but I do like to celebrate Christmas. Growing up in my household we should do lite decorating and exchange Christmas gifts in my family. Now that i am living with him I asked if it was alright for me to put some decorations up. He told me that I was not allowed to and I don't even pay half of the mortgage. We've been having a lot of relationship problems and I dont want to add on anymore. Is this something worth fighting over? I even suggested that I can put up some Hannaka decor as well but there was no compromise. I fell as he is trying to change me or not let me be myself. I also worry in the feature when we have kids and if we do get married this will be an issue.

[lynn P.]

I can relate to this question because I'm in a multi cultural marriage. Does he want to put up Hannaka decorations? If he does, then it's only fair for you to put up a few Christmas decorations too.

If you are thinking about marriage, then you both need to get this straightened out before you marry and decide how the kids will be raised. I agreed to raise my kids based on his religion but we decided to keep Christmas celebrations too - the whole Santa thing was fun for the kids. I'm fine with the kids identifying with his religion.

ATM it's up to you if it's worth fighting for. Before I had my kids I didn't put up decorations and I was fine with that. But he agreed to do the decoration stuff for the kids. Work it out when and if you plan to get serious. Good luck.

[Missquestions]

Well he said he never puts up decorations and expects me not to either. I thought he wanted to make me feel like its my home too. So I am a bit confused.

[Missquestions]

And its hard to talk about the future that far ahead when I don't even know how long we will last.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I can relate to this question because I'm in a multi cultural marriage. Does he want to put up Hannaka decorations? If he does, then it's only fair for you to put up a few Christmas decorations too.

If you are thinking about marriage, then you both need to get this straightened out before you marry and decide how the kids will be raised. I agreed to raise my kids based on his religion but we decided to keep Christmas celebrations too - the whole Santa thing was fun for the kids. I'm fine with the kids identifying with his religion.

ATM it's up to you if it's worth fighting for. Before I had my kids I didn't put up decorations and I was fine with that. But he agreed to do the decoration stuff for the kids. Work it out when and if you plan to get serious. Good luck.

[lynn P.]

I know - I wasn't expecting you to discuss the future at this point - just trying to prepare you in case it does get to this point one day. Do you live together? Maybe it's better not to push for it but it's not very nice of him to say you don't pay the mortgage.

[Missquestions]

I am sensing that he is trying to bring up the issue of me paying more to help him. I can't possible help him with more. But I do agree that he it wasn't nice of him to use money as a issue , kinda like a control issue to me.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello missquestions,

Wow what a difficult situation to be in. First up I am not christian, jewish, or any other religion. I think that all people should be free to observe their religion to the exclusion of any fundamental or militant means and I think that is fair.

No one religion should wave a hand of authority over another and I think compromise in observing the meaning of Yule (aka christmas which christians replaced Yule with almost 1830 years ago now), and the giving of goodwill toward all others irrespective of religion is a most important observation though it should be done all year round in my humble opinion.

I do think that if he's going to be such a scrooge about everything I would certainly think twice about why I was with such a person. I'm very shocked that he brought up the mortgage issue, and if you pay money towards the mortgage at all then you have a fair legal share in the home, whether he likes it or not. And if you earn less than he you are in fact paying more than your fair % of mortgage. Do you cook? do you clean? do you do laundry? do you make beds or carry out any other domestic work?

I agree with Lynn that this really does need sorting out now. For one reason above all others, and that is equality not to mention the stopping of manipulation and enforcing his own beliefs upon you. If my DJ was religious and I still wanted to observe the Solsitce & Yule but he tried to forbid it he would find a lump of coal in a very uncomfortable place come christmas morn I can tell you know.

Don't let someone dictate to you what you will and will not do. If it were me I'd be going home to mummy & daddy. I have a thought about your bf but I can't say it on here there are swear words involved. Those men who have tried to dictate to me are in my past, and that is precisely where they will stay.

[KathyM]

((Missquestions))

So are you his girlfriend, or are you his PET - are you allowed on his furniture - or are you merely his "servant?"

Geesh, that comment alone would have set me off. I'm not religious and don't celebrate Christmas, but if my husband told me I was not ALLOWED to decorate the house for a holiday - I'd wait for him to walk out the door, then decorate it from floor to ceiling. He would most likely do the same to me if I tried to dictate his life.

It sounds like a petty argument that would carry huge red flags for me. A few decorations around the house will not burn his skin or take away his Jewish identity, but it will provide you with some comfort. Why does he have a problem with you feeling comfortable?

I hope you'll be able to work this out with him without having to sacrifice your soul (giving up what you love) for him. Over time, it could turn into resentment.

[Missquestions]

Hi Rhiannon,

I agree that he is being a scrooge, and I do a fair amount of work and I buy grocery for the house. I love to cook so there is always food for him and I always make him a nice meal on Sundays. Along with all the chores in the house. Because I only help with small amount , I do other things to make them up. Your right I have questioned myself why am I with such a person. Letting him win on this, does this mean I have given up? I don't know if this is a controlling issue on his part but with everything else that is going on I am not sure if I like the direction this is heading. The future is not very promising for me, as I am a person that speaks her mind when ever.

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello missquestions,

Wow what a difficult situation to be in. First up I am not christian, jewish, or any other religion. I think that all people should be free to observe their religion to the exclusion of any fundamental or militant means and I think that is fair.

No one religion should wave a hand of authority over another and I think compromise in observing the meaning of Yule (aka christmas which christians replaced Yule with almost 1830 years ago now), and the giving of goodwill toward all others irrespective of religion is a most important observation though it should be done all year round in my humble opinion.

I do think that if he's going to be such a scrooge about everything I would certainly think twice about why I was with such a person. I'm very shocked that he brought up the mortgage issue, and if you pay money towards the mortgage at all then you have a fair legal share in the home, whether he likes it or not. And if you earn less than he you are in fact paying more than your fair % of mortgage. Do you cook? do you clean? do you do laundry? do you make beds or carry out any other domestic work?

I agree with Lynn that this really does need sorting out now. For one reason above all others, and that is equality not to mention the stopping of manipulation and enforcing his own beliefs upon you. If my DJ was religious and I still wanted to observe the Solsitce & Yule but he tried to forbid it he would find a lump of coal in a very uncomfortable place come christmas morn I can tell you know.

Don't let someone dictate to you what you will and will not do. If it were me I'd be going home to mummy & daddy. I have a thought about your bf but I can't say it on here there are swear words involved. Those men who have tried to dictate to me are in my past, and that is precisely where they will stay.

[Missquestions]

I am hoping his girlfriend, I know he cares about me a lot . But not being able to express myself is similar to being mute. I told him that I wasn't going to decorate the whole places but maybe to hang a few things here and there. But he still said no, he said his never decorated his place in the past and he doesn't plan on it now and doesn't want any decorations up and that it is his place. It started off when I told him I had some stockings and would like to hang them, he still said no to me. I love him but I don't want to give up what I believe in because he doesnt approve. Knowing that as long as we are going to live together I will not be able to put up xmas decorations does affect me. If we do have a future, how is that going to affect us? He asked if I will convert to his religion, I do not plan on doing I like who I am and what I believe in.

Originally Posted by KathyM

((Missquestions))

So are you his girlfriend, or are you his PET - are you allowed on his furniture - or are you merely his "servant?"

Geesh, that comment alone would have set me off. I'm not religious and don't celebrate Christmas, but if my husband told me I was not ALLOWED to decorate the house for a holiday - I'd wait for him to walk out the door, then decorate it from floor to ceiling. He would most likely do the same to me if I tried to dictate his life.

It sounds like a petty argument that would carry huge red flags for me. A few decorations around the house will not burn his skin or take away his Jewish identity, but it will provide you with some comfort. Why does he have a problem with you feeling comfortable?

I hope you'll be able to work this out with him without having to sacrifice your soul (giving up what you love) for him. Over time, it could turn into resentment.

Hello, Missquestions. Seems to me he cares for you a lot as long as he gets his way.