[with or without you]

I am having serious problems with my sister. Almost 4 years ago, I moved away from home and now live 2 states away. I'm 29 and she is 27. She lives at home with our mom but she has a full-time job as a nurse. She says all the time she feels "obligated" to keep living at home with Mom because she is 71 and needs help around the house. Our dad died 8 years ago. Also, we are both adopted and not biologically related, but we have been raised together since her birth.

My sister is a very difficult person to get along with. She is a very, very angry young woman. I believe this stems from her obesity which she has struggled with her entire life. I do not believe she is physically dangerous, though. She used to have electric temper tantrums as a little kid, and my parents took her to a child psychologist to be evaluated. As luck would have it, she threw a fit in the office, the veins popped out of her neck and she banged her head on the doctor's desk. He told them he had no idea on what to do.

We have locked horns a lot over the years. Our personalities are like night and day. I am chronically shy, gentle, somewhat easygoing, and apprehensive. She is fiercely independent, somewhat arrogant, gregarious, and jealous. You really have to tread on eggshells around her because if any little thing you say bothers her, she will take it as a personal attack even when nothing of the sort was ever attended ["What do you mean by that?" "Why are you doing this?"] and get full-blown angry over the slightest thing, which I will explain later. We have been able to keep peace in the valley by spending limited amounts of time with each other. She has a great sense of humor and we would frequently go to the movies when I was home visiting, or look up funny stuff on YouTube.

However, over the past 6 months or so, our delicate arrangement has disintegrated as well. She is irrationally jealous of me. She always calls me "the favorite daughter" to both me and our mom. I believe she really resents me for moving away, you know, I "escaped". Our relationship really came to blows 3 months ago over the stupidest thing. I was home for a friend's wedding, which I went to with my mom. She came home after us. She was steaming because I apparently parked in "her spot" in the driveway, her exact words were "Why did you F-ing park your F-ing car in my spot???" She angrily yelled this phrase. I told her "F you, first of all Mom drove because I was drinking at the wedding, and secondly can't you see it's pouring down rain and we didn't want to walk very far to the house?" She launched into a tirade and slammed a door, which caused a picture to fall off the wall and break. We haven't had a meaningful exchange nor a full conversation since that night. I am not apologizing to her, because she needs to learn that she will not get her way with this disgraceful and immature behavior.

I think the best thing for all of us right now would be for her to move out of the house, but she wants to keep playing the martyr saying she has to do all of the work helping out our Mom. My mom has brought this up, saying "I really think it would be better if we went our separate ways" but she will have none of it. I really wish my mom would just kick her out. She does help my mom out a lot financially, though. I wouldn't mind coming home more often to help our mom out, because that's what families do.

I erroneously thought she would be a little better by the time the holidays rolled around because I thought she would lighten up with the passing of time. I've only been home for 24 hours and it's been absolutely miserable around here. I haven't been able to escape all day because of the holiday. She was so snippy and disdainful of us the whole night. While I still love her because she is my sister, the rest of my feelings for her have turned into contempt at this point. I see a therapist because of my own issues (not relating to the family) and I do bring up my relationship with her from time to time, so I am talking about it. But it's hard to tell anyone else about this, though, because most of my friends and all of my family obviously know my sister and I don't want to make her look bad. That sounds kind of silly, because she has no problem making my mother and I feel like fools all the time. I feel like although we don't all live together anymore, we are emotionally not a family either. When I do come home to visit, she is either at work or sits upstairs all day. We don't even sit down to eat together or watch TV. It's just a completely horrid situation, it's really depressing me and getting me down, and that's unfortunate because I have been recently making a lot of progress in my own therapy. I feel like it's ruining the work I am doing and I am trying my best to not let her get the better of me. I am trying to stay positive and am looking for things to do while I am here (going to see friends etc.) but it's just so hard. I just hate her guts right now.

[AAAAA]

I had a very lengthy response but honestly it wasn't very supportive. I'm the one here dealing with my widowed mother and my brother gets to blow in for the fun things like weddings and holidays. What it boils down to is he's a guest now, a visitor. It is our childhood home, but his decision to leave changed his status. There are consequences for our choices.

I will give credit where credit is due, he does help financially but I'm the one that deals with the day to day crisis. And little things like comments that are not meant to be critical grate on my nerves even though logically I KNOW he appreciates all that I do for our mother. Frankly I would love be the one that gets to write a check and forget about it. Another aspect is that he doesn't know anything about what is really going on unless I tell him. My mother doesn't want to worry when there's nothing he can do, he lives so far away.

September is a difficult month to deal with. It is the month of my father and mother's birthdays and also the anniversary of his death. When I call and vent to my brother about the things going on he'll say "move to the west coast, then you won't have to deal with it." I know he's joking, moving away would solve MY problem, but not my mother's. Who will help her then? It's so flipping dismissive and ungrateful.

That parking situation seems so small and petty. But I can empathize with her. Whether it was your intention or not, I'm sure she felt that she's there taking care of business and you are not respecting her space. YOU didn't want to walk very far in the rain, but who cares if she had to.

Think about this for a minute. If your mother falls and breaks her hip tomorrow, are you willing to give up your job, house... your entire life really to care for her for the next year? Would you even have to ask your sister to or would she step in?

The way you've described yourself I'm quite surprised that you don't see that instead of your contempt your sister deserves your gratitude. My brother is an immature @ss, but he has the decency to thank me. He gets to live his life as he wishes knowing that our mother is taken care of. Even though he was her favorite, I accept this role because I am the oldest that that is what families do.

Just out of curiosity, have you asked her point blank in an adult conversation why she is so angry and resentful of you?

I can see where you are both coming from as I have been both sides of the fence, for some years I actually lived with my mum with my ex and two children.

Now I have moved away over 700 miles so all I get are the phone calls.

I prefer living away from her and get on far better than when I did when living with her. She is a great mum but hard work, you feel unapreciated (spelling) and over used. You feel like the others in the family are favoured and that she takes their side more often than not.

While living away I get on great with her in fact I have her coming for Christmas week this year and although I am a concerned I know its only for a week then I can say goodbye see you in April.

Its left to my sisters and brother to do the day to day things with her and trust me my brother LOVES writing a cheque and taking her out once in a blue moon to look good.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I had a very lengthy response but honestly it wasn't very supportive. I'm the one here dealing with my widowed mother and my brother gets to blow in for the fun things like weddings and holidays. What it boils down to is he's a guest now, a visitor. It is our childhood home, but his decision to leave changed his status. There are consequences for our choices.

I will give credit where credit is due, he does help financially but I'm the one that deals with the day to day crisis. And little things like comments that are not meant to be critical grate on my nerves even though logically I KNOW he appreciates all that I do for our mother. Frankly I would love be the one that gets to write a check and forget about it. Another aspect is that he doesn't know anything about what is really going on unless I tell him. My mother doesn't want to worry when there's nothing he can do, he lives so far away.

September is a difficult month to deal with. It is the month of my father and mother's birthdays and also the anniversary of his death. When I call and vent to my brother about the things going on he'll say "move to the west coast, then you won't have to deal with it." I know he's joking, moving away would solve MY problem, but not my mother's. Who will help her then? It's so flipping dismissive and ungrateful.

That parking situation seems so small and petty. But I can empathize with her. Whether it was your intention or not, I'm sure she felt that she's there taking care of business and you are not respecting her space. YOU didn't want to walk very far in the rain, but who cares if she had to.

Think about this for a minute. If your mother falls and breaks her hip tomorrow, are you willing to give up your job, house... your entire life really to care for her for the next year? Would you even have to ask your sister to or would she step in?

The way you've described yourself I'm quite surprised that you don't see that instead of your contempt your sister deserves your gratitude. My brother is an immature @ss, but he has the decency to thank me. He gets to live his life as he wishes knowing that our mother is taken care of. Even though he was her favorite, I accept this role because I am the oldest that that is what families do.

Just out of curiosity, have you asked her point blank in an adult conversation why she is so angry and resentful of you?

A, I appreciate your response and thanks for taking the time to reply. I especially appreciated your point about my sister seeing her space as being invaded when I swoop in from out of town. Also, I have never asked her why she hates me so much. That is something to seriously consider.

However, there are many things you don't know about our situation:

First of all, this is not a traditional, loving, caring "take care of your adult parent 24/7" situation. My mom is still completely independent and has a part time job. She just does not have the time nor energy to take care of her house and 4 acre property, nor can she do a lot of heavy lifting...that's where my sister comes in. My sister will help out with that stuff, but she is more often than not extremely hateful towards her. She swears at Mom a lot, sometimes calls her a "F-ing psycho", and they get into epic shouting matches. She accuses my mom of playing favorites and calls herself the "black sheep" of the family. Do you swear at your mother like this? My mom will then call me in tears to vent about this at least 3 times a week. I would never dream of calling my mom a ****** and telling her to go F herself, even in my worst mood.

Second, on the parking incident - I was not the one driving. My mom was driving because I had been drinking. However, it was my car and that's why my sister thought I was the one who parked in her space. If I had been driving, I would have parked at the end of the driveway and walked in the rain so as to not stir the pot.

Third, I most certainly would move closer if my mom needed to be cared for. Don't make assumptions about me like that.

[AAAAA]

I assumed that your mother required minimal care. Often times that type of help is the most overlooked and unappreciated by siblings. If she required more care your grievances would be very insignificant.

I do not swear AT my mother. Sometimes I will get very disgusted, leave, and call my brother and swear ABOUT my mother to him. When it gets to a boiling point I call her "Donna" which is her mother's name. That is very insulting, she'd rather I'd swear at her I'm sure. If I am to be honest I might swear at her if I actually lived with her. I love her, but I couldn't live with her. I HAVE to have a place to escape to.

She was very independent while I was growing up but somehow when my father died she suddenly forgot how to do the simpliest of things, things she used to do without thought. Suddenly she cannot code her glucose meter or recently put up her own frikkin Christmas tree. As you can see, the things that grate on me are not the things she cannot do but things she just doesn't like to do so I have to do them! Guess what? Calling Direct TV to change her package doesn't seem like a big deal, but I don't like talking to them either! If I do not, she will have a pity party and drive me crazy until I do it anyway. I have become the mother figure in this relationship and I do not enjoy the role.

Enough about me, my point is that even though your sister is doing this between gritted teeth she IS doing it. And it is very insulting and offensive for a guest to come in and pass judgements. You are a GUEST, a very loved and welcomed guest but a guest all the same. This is HER home. It's very easy to say how you'd do it if the need was there, but the fact is there is a need and it is your sister filling it. It is very probable that she resents it. She's there to do the grunt work, but when you come to visit mom does fun things with you.

The role of caretaker is stressful and it is a burden, even when done with love. And in my opinion the little everyday things are the one that are the most irritating and stressful. When I took care of my grandmother when she had stage 4 cancer the little things roll off your back because they are small comparatively. If you're scrubbing the floor and she's sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee and says "you missed a spot" when she's capable of doing it herself you get a little annoyed. The same comment uttered from a hospice bed is met with a lot more compassion and understanding.

Life is full of choices. You can only control your own. When your sister met you with hostility over where your car was parked you had a choice. You could have either understood that may have set her over the edge for the day and ignored the outburst. You chose to meet it with equal hostility. I am suggesting that you re-evaluate this relationship. You are no longer have the same roles.

[KathyM]

Hi With or Without You

I think AAAAA gave you some sound advice.

I was in a similar situation as you, only I was the younger sister. My sister packed up and moved to Texas. She encouraged me to move there too, but I couldn't see leaving my elderly parents behind to fend for themselves.

I didn't live with my parents, but I lived close enough to care for them on a daily basis. Like your sister, I was the "black sheep" in my mother's eyes. It was difficult listening to mom speak so highly of my sister with a look of love on her face, then treat me like dirt. It was difficult spending day after day listening to mom bi*ch about every aspect of her life as I gave her medicine, treated her wounds, and cleaned her house. It was difficult when my sister would come to visit because all she had to do was visit. Mom always perked up when my sister came to town. After she left, all I heard was "why can't you be more like your sister?"

You could say my sister got the easy end of the deal because I had to do all the work, but she didn't. When my father was dying, my sister couldn't get a flight here in time to say goodbye to him. She planned to take mom back to Texas with her and she was looking forward to spending some real time with mom, but mom died 8 days after dad. My sister went home alone. It was very difficult for her to mourn for them because she knew she hadn't given them any of her blood, sweat, and tears to care for them.

Don't let this drive a wedge between you and your sister. She's the only sister you've got. You two may need each other one day.

[with or without you]

I understand what you are trying to say, AA and Kathy, and I don't want to come across as being defensive, but you simply do not understand how hideous my sister's moods can get. She changes her mood on a dime, she's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Maybe this will blow over sometime. But not now.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

There is also the possibility that she is still dealing with being adopted, having abandonment and self-worth issues

[AAAAA]

I understand what you are saying. What I am saying is that you cannot change your sister's behavior, only your own. You have choices in how to respond. If you choose to respond with equal hostility it will only escalate the situation and how does that benefit anyone?

I have a child, Peanut, that used to be horribly angry all the time. I am happy to say that with a lot of work and love he has gotten those issues under control. BUT in the mean time his his father, three sibilings and I also had to work not to exacerbate the situation. The person that found this the most difficult was his identical twin. He was the same age and stuck on "its not fair". Life isn't fair, either you want peace or you want to fight.

The work with Peanut was being aware of the triggers between something that is annoying, frustrating, or irritating what we referred to as code red. And his choices. When you are angry you have given control to someone else. Do you want someone else dictating your actions?

What we discovered was honest communication, love and respect was the key. For example Peanut was having a bad day not paying attention to his tone of voice or demeanor and snapped at someone, if that person snapped back this became an all out brawl. However if the other person said "Peanut, are you angry or upset about something?" The bomb was diffused. If he was irriated with something that happened he could discuss it, if he was just in a black mood that was his key to do something to change it.

Peanut wasn't the only one to benefit from this work. Now when one person is in a bad mood it doesn't have to make everyone in the house miserable and our house is a much more peaceful place. But we all had to get beyond the "you're not going to treat me that way" mentality.

Your sister is in a high stress job, and comes home to another high stress situation. I was hoping to inspire some compassion and understanding for her, not excuse her behavior.

[with or without you]

Thanks again for all your responses and advice. Sorry if I came across as defensive, but honestly, you all have given me a lot to think about.