Is it Me or Him

Hey everyone I needed a little advice on my relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 3 years, December 15 will mark three years. I can say we have been through a lot throughout this relationship. He tells me all the tine that I have trust issues and I realize that. The first day we met it was like heaven then about a month after that I start checking on him going through his phone whenever I got a chance. The reason being is I used to dance with one of his ex's in a competition and his ex would always say how he got abused and was cheated on. Well the abuse part wasn't popping up but my intuition kept telling me to check up on him so I did and that was the start of my distrust because I found some text telling his ex's that he misses them.

From then on I started to develop an attitude problem because I can't believe the only person I loved so much would do this to me. I. also developed one because I kind ofl lied about a couple of things in the begining of the relationship. One lie was at the time I told him I was 17 when I really had just turned 16 and he was 20. Another one was I tried to impress him and tell him that I didn't want any gay friends (oh yea I'm sorry we're a gay couple) when indeed I really wanted them because I want to be friends with my kind and know it's like his making me stick to that lie because everytime I bring up the fact that I need a friend he will always be like only if its a girl or the gay friends has to be his friend first then he can be my friend. Kind of silly isn't it. But these are what also brought about my attitude. So about a years into the relationship he told me that he was dating someone else because of my attitude and if I can change oit he would be happy to comeback. So I got rid of it and fought his new bf and he came back. But this situation had tool my trust down a lot.

About a year after that my attitude had risen again this time very badly to the point that we were fighting. The reason this time is I was finding text messages to other guys about sex, nude pics dating website profiles I had no clue about and just a lot of distrust. So upon me having this attitude he went and cheated on me with 3 other people. This completely threw my trust meter down to 0%. Now it's been a whole year since that situation and we are still together. But its been so hard for me to trust him to the point that I'm getting stressed and depressed about it because I go through his phone and still see dating profiles and texts. When asked about it when he's in a good mood he says he'll stop but when he has an attitude he tells me when I stop and start trusting him he'll stop. I'm just so confused and getting so tired of living a lie. I don't want to leave because I love him so much and I just don't wanna throw 3 years away. So please could u give me some advice

Hello knty

Welcome to pc. I'm afraid this person is 100% non-trustworthy and you should leave him. No one with any sense would advise you to stay. He will never stop cheating he has proven that already.

I wish you the best and hope that you have enough strength to just walk away

I agree with Rhinnonsmoon.

You have seen that his behavior is completely untrustworthy. He has cheated on you many times and clearly he isnt always honest with you either.

It seems like you do realize that your lying has had some effect possibly and you need to take that knowledge and learn. Learn that lying ruins the foundation of a realtionship. Be honest in your future relationships and dont lie to make it work because you ruin it when you lie.

Set your boundaries in the relationship clearly when it starts. Make sure you state your limits clearly. That for you cheating is not an option. Have a certain plan about the penalty within the relationship for cheating. Follow that plan and be true to yourself. If you dont follow through with your plan and you let your partner violate your limits you are sending a clear message that you have no self respect. If you dont have self respect no one else will respect you either. You end up being just a tool. Stand firm on your limits.

Good luck!

Hey rhianno nice to meet you its just so hard its been three years and I indeed want to be happy I have told him we should try relationshipbcounseling but he repeatedly tells me they're gonna tell us the same thing he says on how to fix the relationship which I don't believe because there are situations where we don't know who's right or wrong I just don't wanna go into our 3rd year like this and if things are gonna change they need to change now because dec 15 will mark 3 years

Hi - I don't think the two of you are meant to be together. For one thing, you have trust issues, and you really should talk to a therapist about this. Granted, he has given you reason, but you started mistrusting him before he gave you reason.

Secondly, he REALLY cannot be trusted. It shouldn't matter if you have trust issues or not. If he loved you, he would be commited. He wouldn't go out and cheat just because you have issues. He would support you and try to get you help.

It would be best if you two just parted and each found someone else. He's not ready for a commited relationship. And before you enter into one, I suggest seeing a therapist to find out why you have trust issues.

Best of luck to you, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

And that's another problem because we have been together for three years and leaving him would be my last resort but I have continually tried to recommend we go to counseling but wjat he tells me is it isn't apoint of going because all they would do is tell me the same thing he is telling me on how to fix it which I don't believe. I believe since I'm 19 and he's 24 we are still premature about relationships and its problems that come along with it and in a lot of situations we don't know who's right or who's wrong and going to counseling would help out so much but he doesn't want to go

I'm not going to say that he can be trusted or that this is a healthy relationship, but I do have to say it is NEVER okay to violate someone's privacy and read their text messages, emails, or other things. Not respecting someone's privacy is a boundary issue that you definitely need to work on. Even your partner has the right to talk to other people about things that he doesn't tell you. It doesn't mean the the things is doing is okay, but his wrong doesn't make your actions right! On the other hand he has demonstrated very poor communication skills. Dating someone else instead of talking to you about the problems in your relationship is not acceptable and is a form of emotional blackmail. It is just another way of saying if you did what he wanted you to do then he wouldn't have to cheat or be manipulative. In the same way his unfaithfulness doesn't make your snooping okay, your attitude or whatever it is he claims you are doing doesn't make his cheating and lies okay. It sounds to me like you both have issues that need to be addressed though not necessarily in a relationship with each other.

. And I have recommended we go to counsleing but he doesn't want to

If he is sending texts to his ex about missing him, then he really isn't into your relationship like he may pretend to be. Especially if he is getting texts of nude pics and sex. I know it will be hard since it has been 3 years, but you may want to consider cutting ties.

While I do not agree with everything you did (the lies you told), you were checking up on him for a reason. Something in your gut was probably telling you that you needed to....and sure enough you found things that weren't right. It is hard to trust a person 100% and your gut will tell you when you shouldn't. That is my belief anyway.

Oh and welcome! Let us know how things are going in the relationship and what you decide to do. Would love to hear from you again

Time to let go. He will stop his bad behavior when you stop checking on him? It's kind of a dicotomy there. What does he think you are? Chopped liver?

Plenty of partners out there that won't cheat.