My husband may have depression

I'm brand new here. I joined because I think my husband has depression, and it's hurting our marriage and our life.

Background: About five years ago, he came to me and said he was angry with me, had been for several years. He said I was neglectful of him, that the marriage lacked spark and that I didn't show him enough passion or affection. I had NO idea he was so unhappy, though I noticed he was frequently irritable with me. I thought it was just part of marriage. So we went to therapy, and 18 mos later, it felt as if things were better. Then this last summer, things went sour again. He blew up at me on vacation repeatedly. Now, he says nothing has changed from before. He says he doesn't think we're really compatible, and he doesn't think things can ever be fixed.

I asked him to tell me whether he is committed to working on this marriage. And he tells me he doesn't know, that he can't give me an answer at this time. He is also miserable at his job, has withdrawn from friends and activities he once really enjoyed. His home office is such a fiasco, and he can't seem to muster the time or energy to pick it up. I've told him I still love him and want things to improve, but I need him to work on it with me because I can't fix this alone.

I think he has depression, and he's finally agreed to see a therapist, which is scheduled next month.

In the meantime, I'm hurting and upset. So I'm here for support. I'm going back to see our old counselor soon, I hope. There's so much more I could write, but I'll stop for now. If anyone has advice on how to get through this, please let me know.

to Psych Central VirginiaMama,

I can understand that you feel hurt and confused by your husband's words and behavior.

Has your husband ever had independent therapy, without you? Has he stuck with one counselor, or seen a variety of therapists?

Have you tried to continue the techniques you learned in couple's therapy, to see from the other's point of view, since your husband seemed to begin another spiral downward? It is common for depression to come and go throughout the lives of some people. We have a tendency to look at the negative sides of life. A helpful part in getting through these dark times is to know this about oneself. Just a guess that your husband is like that as well.

I deal with chronic depression myself, from moderate to severe, and often over-generalize in the darker times. Life sucks! I hate life! No one cares about me! People who are normally close feel very far away ~ I feel like a foreigner in my own day. This is not uncommon, unfortunately.

It does take two to keep the marriage going, which can be very trying in dark times like these, I know. Remind yourself that your hub is going through a tough time right now. Be there for him, when you can be. But, be there for yourself too! Give yourself a little extra time and space, to get some enjoyment out of life. It is hard to go to a movie, a fun day with friends, or a day of peace in nature when you're wishing that you and your hub could be doing these things together. But doing these things once a week, to give yourself some peace and strength in life can keep you going in the tough times. Times when you and your hubby aren't seeing eye to eye.

Hopefully, your husband will start seeing some improvement in his life soon. And I hope that you can work through your sad and hurt emotions together in a healthy way. Best wishes!

I realize I have a lot of anger toward him right now. Last night, I didn't sleep. Not one wink. Now I'm exhausted and overwhelmed with so much to do. None of that helps.

What if it isn't depression? What if they don't diagnose him with depression? Then he can continue to blame me for all his misery.