Fantasizing about divorce

I find myself dreaming about divorce - ALOT lately. Divorce is the ONLY way I will ever get a break. This has become increasingly clear in the last few years.

We've been fighting for years. After my second child was born (4 years ago) I have been home ALL DAY EVERY DAY with very little time for myself. At the end of the day I am so drained I sit in a daze for a few minutes until I fall asleep.

My husband hates his job, hates his boss, hates his hometown ...on and on....he goes back to school...(never home, never helping) after 3 three years - finishes and decides he doesn't knkow what he wants to do when he grows up.

Our house is small and old - needs work. If I had to live here the rest of my life I would be happy. He HATES this place. It seems to be a reminder of our failures to him. He wants to move, then we wants to stay...on and on we go...never settled.

He harps on me to go back to work, then tells me I need to be home with the kids, or he tells me WHICH job I should get so as not to interfere with his schedule. When I tell him he will need to be home - so I can interview - that's a problem...

It has gotten to the point there I call him when I leave the house during the day and he asks WHY I am out and WHAT am I doing?

Whenever I open say something - he seems to stop me mid-sentence and give me the "lecture" because he always knows better. He tried to tell me last year what MY new years resolution should be.

He takes pride and continuing traits of his grandfather. He lived like a pauper, didn't have any friends when they were older, and his grandmother was controlled and MISERABLE. But it happened slowly over years...chipping away at her. Even though she openly admitted it and said after he passed away, she was finally able to live - he still worships that man.

I am no angel here...I shut down years ago. I don't bother to try and argue anymore. Unless you are going to help me with the kids in looking for a job - don't expect anything. I ran up debt that he just found out about. I advanced a IRS bill that I didn't tell him about - because I knew he would lose it - HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID THE TAXES!!!!! It was $20 at a time. Now it's alot. It was to buy groceries, kids clothes, and the necessities. After all - he makes the money and I am given $40 once or twice a month. If I need money I have to ask him!!! Since everytime he gies me the grand inquisition whenever I ask - I stopped asking and charged it! My $40 is supposed to fill in the grocery gaps each week, buy any clothes I need and all the other "extras" with the kids school.

I cut and do my own hair - have for the last 5 years. Have also been wearing the same clothes for the last 5 years. I NEVER spent money on things we didn't NEED. About once a year I would take the kids to the grocery store and let them pick out a few treats. How sad is it that I remember how fun that was?????

We don't do anything over the summer with the kids. ONE TIME - I took them to the beach with my family and I have regretted it ever since. He made it miserable and told me how resentful he was that we went. So our kids sit at home all summer bored - because if we enjoyed ourselves - he would make us all aware of how miserable he is at work and how HE provides us the ability to go out.

He puts on a nauseating show in front of our families. (My family knows better) I purposely ask for things while his parents are around - because I know he'll say "whatever you need" IT MAKES ME SICK! He makes it look like he's just the good, loving husband who's trying his hardest. I want to scream....

.....on and on we go.

Hi eener28,

It sounds like your marriage has gotten to a difficult place. My heart goes out to you. If you think this is salvageable (can you remember the man you married?) you should get to some counceling. Can you phrase it with your husband in a way that says you want to work on this for the both of you and for the kids?

Sending supportive thoughts your way...

E

I'm so sorry for this. I just joined to air the pain in my marriage, too. Your hubby sounds as if he might have depression, which is what I suspect is happening with mine. But you guys sound as if you have financial troubles that we don't. We're by no means well off, just okay.

Have you tried counseling for yourself? What are your thoughts about getting a job? Is that something you'd like to do?

It really sounds awful. We're not always fighting. In fact sometimes, I wonder if I imagined it. But then he delivers a zinger, and I know that things are broken.

Good luck. I'm thinking of you.

Thank you. It really helps to vent doesn't it? It's never as easy as what we can write in a few paragraphs. I wish I had come on here sooner.

Years ago my husband said if things ever got bad we would go to counseling...well a few years ago I asked him and he said, 'NO' - he has done nothing wrong and it's a waste of money anyway. Truthfully - we can't afford it.

I'm past angry at this point - so is he. We are indifferent right now. When the kids were gone last weekend - I got a glimpse of MY HUSBAND....about 20 minutes later it was right back to where we are now. I was speaking and he cut me off mid-sentence to force his point of view - I just shut-down all over again.

(When I worked - I had a higher position and made more money than he did - after kids and staying home - he was hell-bent on putting me in my place - a stay at home mother)...ooooh the stories I could tell.

We have years of small resentments built up between up followed by a few 'zingers' ourselves. Do you ever really get past those?

My objective now is to get myself squared away, go back to work and figure out how I am going to move forward. Finding a job now is not so easy - I never thought I would be facing this. The hardest part of this aside from my children, is that I was a really strong person - every so often "I" come back out...and BAMM he's sure to knock me down all over.

On the surface he is the perfect man. He's kind, smart, helpful, LOVES the kids, very handsome, can fix everything around the house, I could go on and on - he is a good person. My women friends in town look at me like I am crazy for complaining. It's easy to look at someone differently when you only speak to them 5 minutes at time. You don't see just how controlling they really are! He makes a point of making sure EVERYONE can hear how dissapointed he is in me (should something go wrong) and makes sure they can all hear HOW HE IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS NOW (oh the hero he is)....then.....when everyone is gone - HE DOES NOTHING and looks at me in anger when I didn't pick up his pieces. All they see - is this perfect guy.

...please tell me kids really are resilient with divorce. Would like the truth! I appear to have gone on and on again!

Here I am four years later. I reread this and not only has nothing changed but we have sunk to a new low. I thought if time had passed I would find that I was being irrational, demanding, something. I am certainly at fault for a lot of our problems and have my own demons to work out. Nothing in him has changed. Worse, is that he sees that he has done nothing wrong. Except forgetting one birthday and making insensitive comments. YEP, insensitive comments has led me to want a divorce from the love of my life. But then again, how can I consider the man who 'depletes me' of every ounce of strength, emotion and self esteem, the love of my life?

Im sorry that you have gone through another 4 years. You should and deserve to have a happy life. Don't settle.

If it were me I would talk to an attorney and find out what options you have . Alimony? Child support? mutual assets ,etc.

Its hard to leave but its harder to stay isn't it?