[jenkins09]

I am in need of some support, advice, or whatever. Long story short, my wife had an emotional affair about 18 months ago. We separated after that for a year and then moved back in together 8 months ago. We sought couples counseling but that didnt really help. I didnt appreciate the T basically telling me I was to blame for her affair.

We dont discuss it, its not safe. If I try to talk about it she gets angry. This is her typical reaction so that its not discussed. I have been in T for awhile now, dealing with this and other crap from my childhood. I thank God for my T, as she is a blessing. I just dont know what to do.

My wife is very angry and ironically constantly accuses me of cheating. It is maddening! I wanted this to work, but right now she has killed all feeling in me. I told her 8 weeks ago that if she didnt stop with the anger and the accusations that it would kill our relationship. She stopped for the last 2 weeks...not being so angry..but its like that saying "too little, too late."

I am having a hard time getting past the affair, what I read and wondering if I can ever trust her again. Any thoughts?

Well I'm very sorry you're going through this.

How was it when you were separated? Were you miserable without each other or was it better?

If you're still angry about her affair, then you're going to need to get past that before the relationship will work. Maybe you 2 need a different marriage counselor if you don't like the one you've been seeing. did you 2 have a good relationship before the affair? did your wife think you did - maybe not - Obviously I don't know but everybody sees things differently.

i definitely know that pushing things under the rug is not a good way to move through a relationship - it just causes built up tension. you both need to find a safe place to talk about how you feel and if the relationship is going to work it is going to take work from both of you.

Think about whether you want this to work and can you trust her - I would imagine it will take a long time to do so - is she worth it to you? Was what you had before worth working for again? If it is, then fight for it.

I assume you have asked your therapist this question of what to do. What does she say?

[jenkins09]

My T doesn't answer that and I'm glad. It's my journey and she understands that. She does tell me that this is going to be a long road. We have kids so its difficult. Thanks for responding.

[Sunna]

I hope you don't mind if I go wild-guessing here. And please bear in mind that I don't know you, and may be sooo of the mark that it's not even funny. But you asked for thoughts, so here.

This whole thing sounds to me like there is a some refusal to take responsbility for getting the way things are on both sides. I am not saying you are responsible for her affair (and I am having hard time comprehending what a quack of a counselor would it take to try to blame you for it). I am suggesting that you probably are equally responsible for creating situation that existed prior to her affair. Prior to the affair was when things got bad and was the time to start counseling, but instead the affair happened. Still, not all needs to be lost

Emotional affair is usually result of a person feeling cut off, isolated, unseen, ignored, unappreciated... and a slew of other such words. Whatever she felt, that allowed her to seek solace outside, I am not saying she did not contribute to it. It takes two to tango, but maybe she didn't even ask you for a tango, just assumed you won't dance, and found herself someone who will. I have no idea of how savvy emotionally your wife is, but from that "I don't wanna talk" anger doesn't sounds like a whole lot. If so, just you and her talking is unlikely to have good result. You do need a good counselor.

But to get this thing patched up you both need a little more motivation than just not looking forward to the horrendous hassle of a divorce. Do you still love her? Does she? Can you imagine you managed to get through and you go on a second honeymoon (or honey week)?

I am very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, and I wish you good luck with it, hoping, that with some grace your marriage will not only survive but bring you both happiness again.

It seems you must answer the Ann Landers question, "Would you be better off with her or without her?"