[mr09]

so, im having a problem with an ex. probably like a lot of people, i went through a terrible break up. if you have read my posts before, you know the story, i'm sure. first relationship. i loved her more than she loved me. she cheated on me. she took advantage of me. verbal/emotional abuse. the list goes on. vie been through a lot of therapy in order to "let go" i have worked hard to get to where i am today - stable, happy, active again, some sort of self confidence. but of course, i miss her. of course i think about her. she may have treated me like dirt but she did do some good things for me and it's hard to completely forget about those things, even though i know how messed up she is. well, i have gotten to the point to where i can ignore her messages. she can only contact me via email. (she's blocked everywhere else.) today though, she texted me using a free site. it said "the greatest pain from love is loving someone you can never have." my ex does this a lot, she sends messages to me, out of the blue, that are random and sincere but then when i acknowledge them - she reverts back to being mean and controlling and i essentially give her my power.

i guess i'm having a hard time. i know that she says these things to upset me. i am returning to college sunday (where i met her/she lives) and she knows this, we haven't spoken in almost a month, and whenever i don't talk to her - she comes back trying so hard to get to me. my counselor thinks she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. i know not to fall for her again or the things she says - but i miss her.

[PleaseHelp]

(((mr09))) I know its hard but try to listen to little voice of reason.

[mr09]

she sent another message just now and said "she misses you, she needs you." i don't knw how to react and respond to these. it cant be real but why is she doing it.

[hoping4best]

I think she took u for granted. Er...i did this to an ex. Well, it wasnt completely like this,but to some extent it was.i wudnt care when he was around me n freaked out when he finally left. Though, after all the7e years i have come to realize that he wasnt gud for me at all.

[hoping4best]

My advice for u is that only if U think that u can handle her for what she is for the rest of ur life only then let her come back..bcoz i think she wont change even if she loves u.

[Nola22]

mr09, your ex could be toying with you for any number of reasons: ego gratification, power (she's got you on a string if you respond to her "pleas"), for the sheer sport of it (unbelievably cruel), her boredom, your vulnerability--but it's seriously doubtful she's doing it for true reconciliation or anything of that nature. You already know you should not respond (don't--you'll regret it, again), so you have to drain all the feeling from the messages and act as if they don't matter at all. Look at what she's doing for what it is: manipulation, plain and simple.

I think I can safely assume you'd be highly irritated and insulted if someone for whom you did not have deep feelings played games with you, so why tolerate this from her? Remind yourself that what she's saying to you, no matter the wording or implied content, is rubbish being hurled at you to get a reaction, and no more. The key to freeing yourself is to ignore her--DO NOT RESPOND, no matter how it makes you feel.

I know when you still have feelings for someone, it's hard to heed words and warnings such as these. But any type of "relationship" you have with her is ultimately unfulfilling, and you have to believe you deserve better, because you do. Don't run in place for someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart--don't run in place for anyone. When you're in a relationship with someone who truly values you for who you are, they won't make you feel this miserable or force you to chase after meaningless bits they toss at you for a reaction.

Don't idealize crumbs flicked at you from someone who can't be bothered to eat with you in the first place. Best of luck to you, mr09.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi,

Give yourself time and resist the temptation to answer to these texts or to talk to her. Texting like that out of the blue is deeply disturbing. Its designed to steer emotions and thoughts in you so you dont forget her. So please do not let her have this control. Forget her.

You know her well and you know she is not what you need. She has issues that make who she is and you can see through that. Be strong and firm. I think each time you shut her away - you will feel stronger. And start looking for someone else - see if anyone is kind and caring enough to get to know better.

You are doing very well. Getting yourself back after abuse is tough but you are doing it. Be proud of yourself. Do not let her take that away from you!

[mr09]

thank you guys, i really appreciate all of your help. i haven't contacted her back or gotten any more texts. i wish she would just leave me alone. it's hard to get these random texts that say "i miss you i need you." and ignore them. however, i feel if she really meant it - she wouldn't send them anonymously.

[Nola22]

You can do it, mr09. You are fighting for your self-respect, your dignity, your peace of mind, and your future--a future worth having in which you may be alone at times, or in a relationship worth your good intentions, effort, and emotions because you're treated wonderfully.

Recognizing that your ex's messages don't have real meaning is a step in the right direction. If you continue to look at them in that light, they'll begin to lose their hold over you. When you get them, remind yourself that you deserve better--much, much better--and you'll start to believe it, because it's true. It is difficult to ignore contact from an ex when you still have feelings for them, but you have to weigh those feelings against your ex's motivations, which don't seem to rise above watching you dance for her amusement.

Hang in there, mr09. And keep coming here as an antidote too--talk it out until you are free, if you feel that helps.