Rejected, unattractive and hurt

I'm in my mid 20's, tall, long dark brown hair, pasty white skin, dark brown eyes; basically I think I'm an overall attractive looking person. I'm finishing my 2nd degree and just applied to grad school. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years. The word "boyfriend" sounds so trivial and juvenile after this long. We're a perfect match; I'm laid back & he's high strung (I keep him grounded), I'm forgetful and he remembers everything. Wherever one of us lacks, the other makes up.

I'll call him DB for the remainder of this post. When DB was in his early teens up he was sexually molested by a father like figure. The sexual abuse went on for about 3-4 years. At this point he had graduated high school and was entering college. He started doing drugs and playing music and hanging out with a few bad influences.

When I met him he was in his mid-20's. He gave up the drugs and music and I convinced him to go back to school. DB told his parents and he seeked counseling for awhile. I thought he had accepted what happened and was able to move on. I guess not.

He's in a doctoral program now. We'll be leaving for his residency next year. When we first started dating we were very intimate and he was a very sexual person. We moved into our first apartment together in 07' (we started dating in 05') and things started to get different. We had sex maybe once or twice a month, then every 4-6 weeks, and eventually every other month. I thought it was because he was tired from school and work and studying...I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We moved into our first house together 2 years ago. Things just went from bad to worse. Sex now happens every few+ months. I have severe asthma that required me to go on high doses of steroids. A major side effect of steroids is weight gain. I gained over 40 pounds. I thought maybe it was because I had gotten thicker and he didn't find me attractive anymore. He assured me this wasn't the case.

I've lost most of the weight and still nothing. I asked him why. Why doesn't he enjoy having sex with me anymore. We've been together a long time, we talked about getting married and yet...we can't share a basic human intimate need. He said he finds sex disgusting. He assured me again it had nothing to do with me and the problem lay with him. I asked him if he masturbated and he said yes, several times a week. I had never felt so hurt or rejected in my 6 years with him. I asked him why he could masturbate and not have a problem with it. He said masturbation is mechanical and sex is emotional.

My heart is absolutely breaking. How can I commit to marry & move out of state with him if he can't give me the only thing I ask for. I never thought I'd be in this situation; I'm with someone I love and care for very much but he has a hard time reciprocating my feelings and needs. He tells me he'll go to the doctor. I've heard that for the last 3 years and not once has he gone. My emotions, self esteem, confidence, and overall emotional well being can't handle it anymore. I don't want to leave him, I really do think we're soul mates but it's becoming more than I can stand.

Suggestions and advice greatly appreciated.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds from your post, that your boyfriend's view of intamacy is very clouded by what happened to him-which is totally justified. Have u guys thought about going to a therapist together, it may help both of you express your views of intamacy and how it affects your relationship?
It sounds like your boyfriend is really struggling with this and so are you-that now it is and will continue to affect your relationship. It also sounds like you both really care for eachother and want to get married in the future, but then that means the intamacy issue may always be there in some form-especially since it was very traumatic for him.

Hi Cat ~ I'm sorry this is happening. Obviously, he is still being very affected by the abuse he suffered as a teen. This is so tragic.

This is going to take a LOT of patience on your part if you're going to remain with him. PLEASE don't take this personally, as it has NOTHING to do with YOU. Sure, it hurts - but you are not part of the problem at all -- I'm sure of it. His problem goes much further back, and it much deeper. He is going to HAVE to get some therapy to learn how to deal with the previous abuse and learn how to bury it. It may take quite a while. I hope your relationship can stand the wait.

I don't care how you do it - whether you have to beg, plead, bribe, whatever, but you've got to get him into therapy. His whole future and yours too depends on his getting help. It can affect everything he does, in some way or another. So urge him to make a call. God bless and please take care of you. Hugs, Lee

I'm so sorry things have taken this turn. First off you need to ask yourself: If he does go to the doc and attempts to get better, will things be better FOR YOU? Women tend to grieve the end of the relationship while in it when men tend to grieve after it's over. So for some women, after they have been unhappy for a long time, they will be over the guy/relationship before they even end it. So, do you think your and his feelings are salvageable? I'm guessing yes or you wouldn't have posted here.

Second, do you feel like he is afraid to go to the doc bc they inevitably means reliving those terrible experiences? I could definitely understand being okay with masturbation but not sex. I could also see how even sex with someone he cares about very much could bring on those memories and make it a terrible experience.

In that case, it might take a little more coaxing on your part to get him to deal with these issues. Not just for you, but him too. If this is so deep rooted in him and he doesn't seek counseling, he will never be in a happy, productive relationship.

However, I would try to make it as sensitive as possible. Not accusing like "why can't you just go to the doc?!" y'know? Like make sure he understands that it's because you care about him, and that it's for his own personal growth, plus the growth of your relationship.

I really hope you two can work this out. After almost 6 years together, it definitely deserves a chance. You might just need to remind yourself of why you fell in love with him in the first place....what makes you happy about him etc...whenever things get rough and you start to doubt yourself or him. Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your advice/support. I spoke with him earlier about attending sex crime victims anonymous meetings. I used to be a sex crime counselor at my university so you'd think I'd be equipped to handle this. I suppose it's different when it's happening to you personally. He's a very proud person and (especially) being a very prestigious doctoral student (I'm not saying that to build him up, his program is extremely difficult to get into and he's been 1 out of 16 ppl in my state to receive national awards and honors) he's afraid he'll look weak and his peers and faculty won't take him as serious. I told him that's BS because no one is perfect. I think 90% of the world could use some counseling. He said he would consider going to a SVA meeting which is more than he has agreed to in the past. The problem with therapy is it costs so much $$$ and his insurance doesn't cover it. Being college students still, we're on a budget.

Cat - at least he agreed! I asked my bf to go to therapy and he finally agreed, then it came time to go and we realized we are both flat broke. He called the school (I'm a student, he's not) and asked if they had discounted programs for significant others of students. They said no but gave him several phone numbers of therapists in the area that work specifically with people who don't have insurance. He ended up finding a woman that gave him a massive discount and actually let him go for weeks without paying waiting until my financial aid went through. So you can find some good resources if you call around. There are always good people out there looking to help people.

I understand the hubris. I kind of deal with the same thing but in a different way. My colleagues view me as this strong, independent woman....which I am. But after a while the jokes get old. They tell me they joke with me a lot because they know I have thick skin and don't let it affect me. The thing is....it does affect me. So, to keep up this image I take it all day then come home and sometimes I just have to let it out. My bf has held me before while I'm bawling over some of the crap I put up with. But these people view me as some superwoman bc they don't see that sensitive side of me.

Just because he has things he deals with outside of class, that doesn't mean he isn't excellent at what he does. He can't see into everyone else's world and personal lives. These people he respects so much and worries about losing their respect, could go home to terrible fighting, dysfunction etc... Heck, I bet some of them have gone through some kind of sexual trauma also!!

I'm glad you talked to him about it and I'm glad he is agreeing to working on these issues. This can only get better! Good luck!